Quarterback Love

Nick Foles
Go Away! Batin’!
Loves money and sex with chicks
Costco time machine

Jake Locker
The Dallas Defense
Is worse than Space Jam’s Tune Squad
Tune Squad sans M.J.

Quarterback Hate

Peyton Manning
Hamburger Pizza
A lingering pregame snack
White pants become brown

Robert Griffin III
Nothing in the tank
Has-been playing county fairs
Just like Sugar Ray

Running Backs Love

Chris Johnson
Gold grills are too trill
Has Lenny Kravitz dreadlocks
C.J. fly away

Marshawn Lynch
Marshawn Skittles cloud
Forecast: torrential downpour
Candy bludgeoning

Running Backs Hate

Steven Jackson
Can barely stand up
Watch him faint behind the line
Back of calf face plants

Doug Martin
The muscle hamster
Only enjoys burrowing
Not running wild, free

Wide Receiver Love

Victor Cruz
Enjoys Pace salsa
Instead of red Gatorade
More electrolytes

Vincent Jackson
It is most quiet
Before the storm, and most dark
Before any light

Wide Receiver Hate

Percy Harvin
Is more volatile
Than an expired McRib
A blowout coming

Dwayne Bowe
Suspended or not
Toil in irrelevance
Bong loads make stone hands

Tight End Love

Rob Gronkowski
The bionic man
Or bicentennial man
The Iron Giant

Tight End Hate

Jordan Cameron
A dumpster fire
Nothing is salvageable
Abandon all Browns

Defense Love

Tampa Bay
The St. Louis Rams
Louisiana Mud Dogs
Sans the Water Boy

Defense Hate

San Francisco
Lunch Lady Romo
Will not be serving hot picks
This is not Dallas