One Tie All Tie

True Detective Season 3 cast: Jason Biggs, Cedrick the Entertainer, John Cena, Zooey Deschanel and Air Bud Executive Producer: Randy Jackson

After an immensely successful second season with an oddball cast that definitely didn’t have long awkward exchanges of dialogue and a general inability to act human, HBO executives have decided to embrace the strange with the tentative cast for season 3. “A tedious, puzzling storyline simply isn’t enough anymore, we had to step it up, and goddamnit with this cast we did.” Said Bill Biscane, casting director of True Detective.

“We’ve curated the most eclectic cast imaginable for this, and we have a script that makes a Brief History of Time look like Everybody Poops. Oh and did I mention Randy fucking Jackson is executive producing the whole thing, what could possibly go wrong?” snorted Biscane taking a heavy breath from a rag that reeked of pure gasoline.

The roles are as complex and challenging as ever according to Biscane, with sweeping character arcs and groundbreaking roles that you’ve never seen. Ranging from corrupt, alcoholic cop that smokes tons of cigarettes to an inexplicable, corrupt, alcoholic wizard from the future that smokes a ton of cigarettes, there’s something for everyone here and Biscane is confident he has the cast to execute it.

“Air Bud is a meth head looking for a second chance; Jason Biggs plays a sexy Italian businessman with a dubious past, Zooey is an alcoholic banjo playing mime with a goiter, and Cedrick is an alcoholic astronaut wizard from the future. Cena is a corrupt cop; we didn’t want to get too crazy after all.” hiccupped Biscane.

“We want the gaping plot holes to be accompanied by alien performances. There will be episodes that will make you question if what you’re watching even qualifies as television” continued Biscane now nodding off.

By the looks of it season 3 promises to be slightly less confusing than season 2.