So I’ve been SUPER into DIYs lately, I just wove an ace bandage out of human hair if that tells you just how fucking serious I am about painstaking content creation for the sake of being cute and obscure. But the DIY spice blend I’ve been smoking for the last six months made me come to a realization…
Joey Fatone in NSYNC was a conspiracy orchestrated by the Clintons and that there was one enormous part missing in my DIY recipe book. Alcohol forward egg based dishes that can be eaten from a trough.
Cut to me waking up disoriented and boiling hot in my piss soaked tent tucked away at a Dick’s Sporting Goods like I do every morning. I start nonchalantly browsing Pinterest’s sister site PornHub on a catcher’s mitt that I had plugged into an electrical outlet. The goal? Find a charmingly named recipe that involves Redd’s Apple Ale and scrambled eggs. THINSPO amiright?
After several hours of fruitless searching, another bong load of hand foraged spice blend and an iconic pants shitting that left my ring piece trembling, I adjusted my Anna Felt Panama Hat from Urban outfitters and decided maybe the world didn’t need more idiotic content from a self-proclaimed foodie who just positively LOVES to travel.
Then I thought better of it and decided to post an onslaught of whimsical, nude pictures of me cooking Scrambled Redd’s, eggs smothered in Redd’s and as runny as that aforementioned pants shitting. So chic. So adorable. So grammable. It’s the PERFECT holiday treat to send guests into an existential crisis as you furiously Instagram every painful bite.