Declining toy industry causes Hasbro to launch Minions Fleshlight

New Carlisle, Indiana-The dying toy industry isn’t done fighting yet. It won’t be mercifully put down like a Paddington Bear overrun with rabies behind the woodshed after a couple of 40’s of King Cobra. Its brain matter won’t be found on the sidewalk like a Furby after being bludgeoned with a sock full of quarters due to paranoia after smoking a cigarette dipped in formaldehyde.

No. It will continue to evolve and cater to the depravity of humankind, as evident in the newly minted Minions Fleshlight launched by Hasbro.

Licensed Fleshlights are generally reserved for porn stars, and or beloved glory holes, but because virtually everything in existence is branded or licensed, and because our species has devolved to a point in which this particular licensing seems like a good idea, die hard Minions fans will be able to finally prove just how dedicated they actually are. A gruesome game of a chicken to see who blinks first, the customer or the crudely fashioned Minions fleshlight.

“We saw a lot of adults oddly wearing around those idiotic looking Minions beanie hats, and figured why not stick with the times and absolutely fucking ruin something,” said Hasbro CEO Grayson Horvath stubbing out a cigarette into a an Angry Birds shrimp deveiner.

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Cincinnati zoo slaughters two giant pandas to make room for Walmart Yodel Kid exhibit

Cincinnati, Ohio-In an effort to preserve one of humanity’s most delicate and rare assets, the Cincinnati zoo has agreed to slaughter two giant pandas and replace them with the Walmart Yodel Kid, who will perform for zoo attendees if thrown the correct amount of petting zoo food.

“At a certain point we as humans have to shift to preserving what’s truly important, this was one of the easier decisions we’ve ever made” said head zookeeper Alphonso Knudson, blindfolding the pandas and preparing them for death by firing squad comprised of the zoo’s top donors.

An entire species can be forgotten if they can’t yodel in front of a bunch of drooling, phone wielding assholes at a goddamn rats nest in northern Indiana. The bastard child of Simon Cowell’s deadbeat second cousin. Someone born for a CBS reality show destined to fail.

“Prepare yourself you bastards!” yelled Knudson as the bullets rained down on the pandas and they fell to their anticlimactic death to the cheers of blood thirsty onlookers.

Human hand not even capable of holding cell phone by itself anymore

Have you ever wanted to mindlessly lap up a stranger’s stagnant toilet bowl of digital waste, but didn’t want to deal with the backbreaking hassle of actually holding your phone? Popsocket. Who the fuck has the supernatural focus required to not perpetually drop a five ounce ergonomically correct rectangle? Popsocket.

If you’re like most people, your withering hands don’t have the strength or coordination to do something as advanced as maintaining a loose grip on something you use virtually every day, that’s why the makers Big Mouth Billy Bass have created and idiotic circle that attaches to the back of your phone and announces to the world you’re an incapable little pissant.

The nipple extension, as it were, can pop in or out and provide the additional mental and physical strength your rapidly deteriorating body and mind need to grasp the only reality you know. Be ready to enter any room like the overconfident mass of characterless beige matter you are AND have the added benefit of never having your phone slip! Buy some more garbage today!

Heartbreaking: High importance email promptly ignored

Chicago, IL-A high importance email sent Monday at 4:45 p.m. was promptly ignored by everyone sent, cc’d and bcc’d on the communication. Like most high importance emails, which generally emphasize someone’s incompetence, lack of preparedness and inability to wipe their own ass, this one contained an extensive who’s who of indistinguishable business jargon and impossible deadlines.

The sender of the email beamed with the overwhelming pride of someone who has spent an eternity meddling in lower-middle management as they baptized the email with a high importance designation before casting the divine order it into oblivion.

The the red exclamation point accompanying the email would surely instill a sense of hope and ownership in the recipients who would soon be burdened with salvaging the rotting flesh dripping from the Times New Roman serif. Wouldn’t it? No.

In a cruel albeit oddly predictable twist of fate, the email was promptly disregarded. The exclamation point functioned like a rusted anchor, dragging it to the bottom of the bloated inbox, submerging it in the depths of purposeful neglect.

Never send a high importance email.

Edible Arrangements launches all new ground beef line

Chicago, IL-In an effort to monopolize the niche market of obligatory, thoughtless gifts that no one really wants and are ultimately a burden for all involved, Edible Arrangements has expanded their line to go beyond just soggy, heart shaped cantaloupe chunks.

A deluxe line of arrangements has just launched for that mildly special someone that qualifies as slightly more important than a basket full of browning apples glued into the shape of Danielle Bregoli’s face. The Incredible Edible Ground Round Nibbler is the perfect gift for that person in your life that may or may not be a fan of 60/40 blend ground beef.

Not only is the basket stuffed to the absolute brim with cooked and uncooked ground beef hunks that are crudely fashioned into varying benign shapes that a marketing team spent countless hours arguing over, the entire basket itself is woven from ground beef and slathered in Worcestershire sauce.

Imagine the look on someone’s face when a sagging plastic bag full of ground beef and loose marinade is placed in a precarious place on their desk. The prospect of a beef themed sack threatening to explode and contaminate everything the person owns is a true display of affection.

So buy the Incredible Edible Ground Round Nibbler for someone you’re indifferent about today!

CBS launches Younger Sheldon starring Ryan Seacrest

Hollywood, CA-CBS has noticed the collective swollen jaw of content consumers hanging slack and dribbling the lukewarm tapioca they’ve been fattened with their entire lives. In an effort to scoop up the half chewed pudding and shove it back into their lifeless cram hole, CBS has created a series of inception spin offs, the most recent offering is called Younger Sheldon.

Younger Sheldon documents the life of Sheldon Cooper when he was even younger than Young Sheldon, because there is nothing more hilarious than a show completely reliant on the age of its characters.

Younger Sheldon, played by Chicago Kardashian-West and voiced by Ryan Seacrest, documents the trials and tribulations of being an insufferable jerk at only several weeks old as two grown adults document every single dump you’ve ever taken on all social media outlets.

Watch as Ryan Seacrest huffs nitrous balloons and makes baby noises that are poorly dubbed over the completely motionless mouth of Kardashian-West!

Hearts will be warmed when a homeless man sacrifices his life to save Sheldon after his parents accidentally left him in the gorilla pen at the zoo! And laughs will be had after Sheldon’s dad takes a massive shit on the living room floor after drinking an entire 5th of Jim Beam and blames it on baby Sheldon!

Tune in Wednesday’s at 4:30 a.m. after reruns of Will My Junk Fit? One man’s journey across the world to see where and what he can cram his junk into.

Man nonchalantly drops drone piloting license on first date

Glencoe, IL-In a desperate attempt to salvage another floundering Tinder date, one man tempted fate with a gutsy albeit savvy move. Something that according to Drone Enthusiast Quarterly, everyone woman craves. In some obscure circles it has even been considered the greatest peacock to ever exist…slyly dropping a certified drone piloting license while picking up half of the bill.

“The date wasn’t going great, I had to find an in, something universally relatable to any woman, then it hit me…recreational and semi-professional drone usage,” said Terry Adkins, scrolling through some unremarkable aerial footage from a singular vantage point in Rockford Illinois. The city appearing as all cities do when filmed directly overhead.

“It was really tasteful, very classy, I suggested splitting the bill like I always do, but as I was pulling out my cash, my drone piloting license accidentally fell on the table…looked totally natural,” continued Adkins, recounting the incident fondly.

Though the incident could have sympathetically ended there, as most dates do. Adkins insisted on a choreographed drone demonstration right outside the bar, something that would capture her heart and an aerial view of the top of her head. But before the majestic mating ritual could commence, the drone flew directly into Adkins genitals.

As he lay screaming in agony his drone ascended into the clouds above and his date stared up with a sense of longing.

Huh, guy still wearing DC shoes

Chicago, IL-On Tuesday, a man was spotted wearing a pair of oversized white DC shoes, complete with massive tongue and a lifetime of regret. The shoe, generally reserved for 8th graders who are overcompensating for bottomed out self-esteem, appeared peculiar on a fully grown human with the means and presumable intelligence to wear something else.

The look of pride on the man’s face suggested the same imaginary sense of importance as any teenager debuting a new Hollister sweatshirt at a local piece of shit mall in Northern Indiana, a strange misguided superiority. The look of someone whose peak human experience was as an illiterate, puberty ridden adolescent.

“I looked sweet in 8th grade, and though I wasn’t athletic or smart or funny, and pretty much existed like a tub old bath water sometimes exists, my shoes were dope as hell, I had some piped out jeans AND I almost touched Lindsay Mumford’s boob once,” said Terry Lapadat adjusting an oversized Fox Racing shirt.

By refusing to surrender the enormous skate shoes, Monster Energy shirt and wallet chain, he is refusing to give up on the mindset of Skate or Die…steadfastly defending a state of perpetual puberty and refusing to abandon the dream of perhaps even one day touching a boob.

Rick Bayless hatches Mexican fusion restaurant based off of ancient culture observed at Senor Frogs Myrtle Beach

Myrtle Beach, South Carolina-After decades of painstakingly seeking the cradle of Mexican inspired American-tourist forward cuisine, Celebrity Chef Rick Bayless has finally unearthed the mossy keystone from which everything was born. Following several days of grueling travel to reach a remote fishing village known as “Myrtle Beach,” Bayless set forth to uncover the mysteries that had lay dormant in the city’s underbelly since the beginning of time.

In particular, a quaint beachside bungalow known by locals as Señor Frog’s became an object of fascination for Bayless. Señor Frog was originally a name given to a beloved goat who regularly graced the bar that kind of looked like a frog if you were drunk enough, he was immortalized in the bar name after being decapitated in a gruesome Jet Ski accident.

Bayless spent countless nights there, submerging himself to the point of madness, as wet t-shirt contests were held, lava lamps were butt chugged and free beer koozies were given to people who agreed to be kicked in the nuts by Dog the Bounty Hunter impersonator. This was culture. This was heaven.

“Farm to table nitrous balloons, hand crafted Red Bull Vodkas rimmed with organic Stacker 2 energy pills, 60/40 ground chuck blend shaped into a fist, and a VR gravity bong experience, will all be available at my new restaurant Donkey Dick’s Bar & Grill,” said Bayless furiously scribing pre-emptive Trip Advisor reviews.

The bar will cater to people who want to appear interesting and adventurous but are actually quite dull. Wading through a cultureless abyss of Michelob Ultra buckets and acid fueled three legged races.

Area man’s legacy starts and ends with Tough Mudder race ran in 2007

Chicago, IL-A man with nothing else going for him and no discernible physical or intellectual competence still has his entire persona planted in the forgettable milestone he participated in over a decade ago. “I ran this really cool race…not sure if you’ve heard of it…it’s called Tough Mudder, you’re pretty much not a real man unless you do it,” said Bryce Kibby proudly wearing his officially licensed Tough Mudder shirt and accompanying bandeezy.

The achievement of adulthood is ultimately measured by the willingness to pay for physical anguish you could otherwise get for free. Sponsored 5K’s, Warrior Dashes, Spartan Massacres, Iron Man Orgies, all only several hundred dollars to get a free t-shirt and roll around in the mud with a thousand other losers for an afternoon, Bryce Kibby was one of those prideful losers.

“I looked pretty sweet, not going to lie, bandana flying in the wind, I actually modified the shirt by cutting the sleeves on it…Tinder profile pic bro, chicks love dudes who ran in a corporate sponsored race a decade ago,” continued Kibby visibly satisfied with the thought of his perfectly curated Tinder profile.

Though Kibby has no current plans to run the race again and is currently an immobile fucking slob, he still relives that single glorious day in every aspect of his life.