XSPORT Fitness, Chicago, IL-On Wednesday, a guy who looked vaguely like Girard Butler’s paunchy cousin during the 2007 shooting of 300 but perceived himself as looking like Girard Butler himself, offered up some ill-informed weight lifting tips to a woman who absolutely didn’t need them.
“Yeah, I finished huffing my pre-workout sock full of rubber cement and saw this helpless chick sitting on the leg press machine, and though I was seeing double and had never used the machine myself, I figured she would appreciate me interrupting her workout to explain how a real man uses the machine, someone who’s watched the movie 300 over 20 times,” said Terry Horvath, loading the machine with several hundred pounds in weights.
The conversation itself ended rather abruptly, just as Terry was explaining and demonstrating how the key to leg pressing was hyperextending your knees and locking them up at the top of the rep, said knees both exploded into a million pieces, Achilles tore like breadsticks in a goddamn Olive Garden commercial and melted onto the floor below and Horvath wept openly, screaming THIS IS SPARTA as the ambulance wheeled him away. One of the braindead trainers picked up the mess left behind and tried to sell it to another member as a great new way to build mass.
“Though I only got one rep in before my knees collapsed…I think she got the idea, she’ll probably ask me to take her to GNC soon, I know a guy that can hook me up with 5% off with purchase of a 300 lb protein jug” continued Horvath, during another week at rehab. Doctors say that with a lot of hardwork and a little luck, he may be able to walk again.
Chicago, IL-The polarizing, passion fruit forward juice and kombucha speakeasy with religious undertones has officially boarded up its windows after failing to capitalize on an indeterminable number of Chicagoans looking for something that oddly specific.
Passion(fruit) of the Christ, located in the heart of Logan Square, attempted the tried and true method of using a naming convention that involves looking at movie names, then molding an idiotic themed bar to fit that movie’s theme. See also the excruciatingly named Whiskey Business, arguably the most douche forward bar in the city.
“It wasn’t the $25 nuts and twigs shared plate with a side of Irish Catholic guilt or the $50 kombucha flight that did us in, it was the unwillingness for people in this city to accept something different, something beautiful, our interpretation of a 1300’s Roman Catholic, passion fruit juice bar,” said owner Grayson Horton, twisting his ironic mustache and taking down the massive crucifix crafted out of passion fruit rinds.
Taking its place will be a conceptual brunch and nightclub hybrid called Brunchback of Notre Dame.
Chicago, IL-An overdetailed work from home request that would have otherwise been promptly ignored, drew attention from several employees after noticing the graphic recounting of what had transpired to make the work from home a necessity.
“I ate a bowl of clam chowder that a homeless man offered me while I was trying to score some biker speed from a mutant ostrich under the overpass, long story short, I was puking out of my butt for twenty four straight hours, it’s all detailed in my work from home request if you reference that,” said Todd Mitchell, bringing up the calendar invite he had sent which details the happening in gruesome detail for the rest of his coworkers.
The calendar invitation was over 300 words long and contained pictures and illustrations of the toilet, which looked like a crime scene. All in an effort to validate a work from home that really needed no validation.
“I ended up describing everything in as much detail as possible, because a lot of people probably don’t really know what I mean when I say “shitting myself like the world was coming to an end”, hopefully they understand now,” continued Mitchell, comfortably watching The Price is Right for the third time.
Rockford, Illinois-A new NBC gameshow, transcendent in both idea and relatability, has been sweeping the nation since its highly anticipated debut on Monday night. Did I Shart My Pants or Nah? Is the newest hit game show that has brought the country to its knees.
Hosted by someone who looks like Steve Harvey’s brother and named Chip Crabs, the show involves married couples sitting in an elaborate contraption and exchanging farts, after each rip, they are required to guess whether or not their partner sharted their pants. Judges then check under garments for blowouts to determine if the guess is correct. Each correct guess earns them a crisp two dollar bill, with the potential to earn up to $60 in exchange for humiliating themselves on live television.
Several obscure critics who actually watched the show are calling Did I Shart My Pants or Nah? “A bath in the sewage of mankind,” “A fart filled romp,” and “Nothing can break up the week like breaking wind!” So tune in to Did I Shart My Pants or Nah? to find out which contestants will have to use the prize money to buy a new pair of pants!
Chicago, IL-On Monday, an employee who had spent Sunday like his last day on earth, decided to forego taking PTO and just gut it out. Bottomless mimosas at brunch had evolved into a flurry of Old Crow Whiskey shots and finally culminated in a goat shaped nitrous balloon and the butt bonging of a 24oz 120 minute IPA. But instead of taking a suspicious sick day or using a coveted PTO, Bill Naquin did something that will live in tedious corporate infamy until roughly Q4 of 2019.
“I figured that if I dug deep enough, I could find the courage to sit in a stationary position and stare at the blinking cursor of a word document for seven and a half hours,” said Naquin, recognizing that the task at hand wasn’t too much different from his normal daily routine.
Naquin’s ability to endure severe hangovers and remain continually ineffective at his job have landed him firmly in the world of corporate anonymity, as managers have noted his admirable adherence to the mantra: 90% of the job is just showing up.
“People should be really happy I legged this one out today, was touch and go for a while there after I skidded up my boxers while eating Panda Express. That cleanup ate up nearly half of the day! People seemed genuinely happy I was there though,” continued Naquin looking satisfyingly at an inbox full of unanswered emails, his coworkers looking on in horror at the sagging heap of skin crammed into the ergonomically correct desk chair.
Chicago, IL-A Chicago resident bravely announced her New Year’s resolution to be more present, to her uninterested social media following through a flurry of dull Instagram posts. Though most people wouldn’t have the courage to commit to something which requires absolutely no accountability to a group of people who could care less, Sarah Kibby persisted.
“I make about 20 posts related to New Year’s, most of them are just variations of me wearing an adorbz festive tiara at a sparsely attended bar that you totally wish you were at, but at the end of the relentless onslaught of posts, I’ll announce my resolution,” said Kibby furiously scrutinizing her best nine generated Instagram pictures.
Her resolution this year is simple, be more present. To live more in the moment instead of obsessively creating mundane content for her social media outlets. In order to achieve this, she’ll be live broadcasting her entire journey, 24 hours a day.
Aloof followers will be treated to a live stream of her day with her narrating and analyzing every single action, as content reigns down on them like demon hell fire, they can at least find solace in the notion that Kibby is 100% more present.
Hollywood, California-The mundanity plaguing most people’s existence has caused a trend in escapism with speculation about things that are slightly less dull than a third trip to Kohl’s in as many days. The possible pregnancy of our selfie messiah and reality television martyr, Kim Kardashian, has become a fixation for people with absolutely nothing else going on. But these same people may have to return to suffocating boredom after Kim posted a heavily filtered picture of a football sized turd.
That’s right, a mysterious picture of what appears to be a sizeable albeit unhealthy bowel movement was posted on Kim’s Instagram account along with the caption: Birthed (kiss face emoji, baby emoji, lipstick emoji). The apparent cause of the adorable, now disturbing, alleged baby bump she had been sporting weeks prior.
“Before I launch a new makeup line, I sample everything, which means I have to eat a LOT of makeup…it wreaks havoc on my insides, but people need their pouty lips and contouring!” said Kardashian looking at the multicolored, steaming loaf in front of her.
With the rumor now being dispelled by the birthing of a cement snake, society can now passively like the picture with 50,000 other brainless hacks and go back to mainlining Mountain Dew Code Red.
Hollywood, California-The combination of creating a sequel with the same reheated plot, transplanting it into Europe and including that location in the title of the movie, has historically yielded some of the most evolved and beautiful films in history.
That’s why Rob Schneider has bought the rights Lady Bird and any Lady Bird likeness, in order to transform the stand alone movie into the multi-film franchise with accompanying merchandise and adaptation to USA original drama it deserves.
Lady Bird 2: European Lady Bird takes place in post-apocalyptic Paris, where Lady Bird, now played by Jennifer Anniston, runs a clone brothel of male gigolos. But everything changes when she falls in love with a mysterious half-animal clone named Alphonso, played by a CGI version of Jackie Chan.
Their loves grows in correspondence with the chaos that now shrouds war torn Paris, and Lady Bird is forced to sell the clone to a traveling petting zoo in an effort to buy a crack rock from a nomadic wizard. Will the two re-unite before the destruction of the planet? Can love endure a ruthless robot dictatorship and an addiction to futuristic crack cocaine? Are clones capable of love? Find out by seeing Lady Bird 2: European Lady Bird in theatres everywhere December 2029.
Washington, D.C.-In another act of enduring incompetence, rivaled only by the initial stupidity of destroying the internet, the repeal on Net Neutrality has been re-repealed. The panicked order came only days after the initial repeal, after FCC Chairman and national symbol for spineless lackeys, Ajit Pai, discovered that the internet was necessary for streaming high definition pornography.
“I don’t know a lot about the internet, but what I lack in knowledge for the internet, I make up for in knowledge of hardcore pornography, huffing keyboard duster, and being incapable of wiping my own ass” said Pai, smugly taking a long pull from his duster canister.
Pai has dubbed himself the savior of the internet and the messiah of streaming.
“Everyone should have the inherit right to return home from a job they tolerate, to an unfulfilled wife, and watch PornHub while huffing duster without worrying about throttle or lag. I know I’m sleeping easier,” continued Pai, between quiet sobs into the loving arms of a Comcast executive.
Devote Star Wars fans have found something inherently wrong with every film release to date. Inconsistencies in timelines, character relationships, technical specs surrounding building a weapon capable to destroying entire planets, and perhaps most notably the controversy surrounding Darth Maul’s genitalia.
A topic more controversial than “Who shot first?” conspiracy theories and more fervently debated than the mysterious origin story of Boss Nass, finally gets the attention it deserves in the latest addition to the Star Wars franchise The Last Jedi.
Though there is plenty to love about the new movie, the highly anticipated Darth Maul shower scene is ultimately the only thing bolstering the critical praise of the movie.
During an emotional discussion involving the origin of the force itself and its evolution and demise over the years, BB-8 projects an unprompted video of Darth Maul showering off after hitting the elliptical machine at the XSPORT Fitness on Tattooine. The video is excruciating in both length and content, as Luke is forced to look on in horror at the steamy video clearly meant for the SnapChat DMs of a Zeltron on Hoth.
The scene is rather abrupt and completely irrelevant to the overall plot of the movie, and some fans have complained that the presence of Darth Maul’s hog really detracted from an otherwise positive experience. But critics agree that the beautifully animated CGI was necessary on every level and makes the movie more avant garde than previous offerings.
One fan commenting “If you’ve ever wondered if the carpet matches the drapes….well spoiler alert…it does!!!!!!”