Definitive Disney Channel Original Movie Ranking

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5.) The Thirteenth Year- This movie taught everyone about mermaids and what to look for if you suspect someone in your class may be a mermaid. I know if some kid was decent at swimming at my high school, I would immediately be thinking mermaid…merman. The only thing this movie really brushes over is how heartbreaking it would be to leave all of your friends and family, how terrifying it would be to adapt as another species living exclusively underwater, and how perverse it was that Jess’s dad longed to be with that mermaid so bad. Other than that, perfectly executed film.  Tons of great 90’s hair, and a lot of great gender bending mermaid jokes and water puns. Who knew that Mermaids could conduct electricity!?

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4.) Johnny Tsunami-It’s difficult to get better than a venerable tale of star crossed lovers torn apart by their love of different winter sports. A story, that when done correctly is one of the most thought provoking and endearing endeavors in existence. I wasn’t aware that there was that big of a class disparity between snow boarders and skiers so this movie was a real eye opener for me. Disney isn’t afraid to tackle issues that matter. Throw in a couple of pissed off family members that are strangely brought together by a couple of random kids racing and you’re looking at a true classic.  The mantra “Go big or go home,” surrounded by Hawaiian flowers isn’t tatted on my lower back, but it should be.  The only point of contention here is why Johnny’s grandpa seemed to always inexplicably call him “Porno” or something that sounded like that.

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3.) Luck of the Irish-Simply put, can’t go wrong with late 90’s, early 2000’s Ryan Merriman. An undisputed face on the Mount Rushmore of Disney channel original movies, and possible contender for G.O.A.T. The offensive Irish stereotypes, hilariously tiny mom, and the maudlin singing of This Land Is Your Land at the end which cleansed the city of any lingering bigotry, all contribute to the movie’s greatness. The true importance is found in learning about the trials and tribulations of being a leprechaun in junior high school. We all learned that the past should be revered but not dwelled upon, that sometimes the present is the only time that matters. Also there is no chill in challenging an evil leprechaun to “sports” for your grandpa’s soul and the coin that holds your family’s livelihood. Sometimes it takes more than luck to figure out who you are as a person, thanks for that Disney.

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2.) Brink!-Movies about roller blading are timeless. I’m pretty sure this movie single handedly pioneered the roller blade movement in the United States. We all wanted the X-Bladz gear with the Pup N’ Suds heart. I’m not sure who in their right mind was sponsoring high school students to roller blade but God bless them. Watching this, I realized how cut throat the roller blading underworld was, as Brink’s friends viewed him trying to earn money for his family by skating as an act of betrayal. This movie taught us the valuable lesson that you can’t get paid for doing something you love. Tons of shredding and plenty of Erik von Detten pouting.

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1.) Smart House-The scene above is reason enough to fall in love with this indie classic, but there’s so much more. No chance in hell Disney anticipated making the most provocative and challenging movies of the 20th century. This here is the Bible on artificial intelligence; Terminator doesn’t have shit on SmartHouse. I’m not sure enough gravity is placed on the fact that a house is impersonating an overbearing deceased family member. The thought of that disfigured, spinning Katey Sagal at the end of the movie is far more terrifying then a robot ruled dystopian future. Even though it would cause irreparable damage to your psyche, would 100% still live there for the smoothie machine, kick-butt video screens, and floor that melted stuff. You could also do a lot worse than getting raised by the voice of a borderline B-list star.

Honorable mentions: The Paper Brigade, Alleycat Strike, Zenon Girl of the 21st Century

 

Fast 8 poster leaves absolutely nothing up to mystery

Vin Diesel dropped the Fast 8 poster on his Instagram and I can only imagine the circumstance. This has Vin sitting on the can trying to shake a cement protein snake loose, likely knife hitting a line of NOXPLODE and casually tipping back a Corona written all over it. Furious 7 was by any definition a perfectly executed over the top action flick. A true ode to the absurdity we grew up on, with characters that are more cartoon than human. Needless to say the mundanity of the Fast 8 poster shook me to my core…until I looked closer. On further examination this is by far the most extreme poster to ever exist and it leaves nothing up to mystery.

Those water spots are clearly arm butter repositories where Dom and the crew can get appropriately greased up for slow motion walking scenes. The Furious series as a whole is built on proper arm butter application. You see that shading in the upper right of the poster that appears to be a cloud? If you look closer you can clearly distinguish that it’s thousands of cloned Dom Torettos (Vin Diesel), wearing jetpacks and armed with mini-guns, drag racing around the edge of the city. This shouldn’t be that surprising, as Dom was virtually indestructible last movie, being able to clone himself was a predictable character evolution.

And that glowing red tower? That’s actually the smoldering hot knife of Deckard Shaw (Jason Statham). Who during his escape from a maximum security prison crashed a souped up double decker bus into a vat of radioactive material, causing him to grow into a 100 meter tall monster. How the hell do you stop a knife wielding 100 meter tall monster with a background in special ops? Simple, first use the cloned Dom Torettos to distract it. All the while, having the original Dom convince the crew they need to come out of retirement for one…last…ride. Cue monster trucks with huge spoilers Tokyo drifting around the beast’s ankles until it falls.

Predictably badass.

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IHOP commercial will crush your soul, grind it into pancakes and serve it back to you

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The crippling bubble guts experienced after every IHOP dining experience is enough alone to stomp the shaking fingers of your soul as it desperately hangs from the edge of the abyss and now there’s this. Nothing says paradise like stepping on a gum bomb on the way into a stinking hot IHOP in some strip mall in Elkhart Indiana. I guess the spilled coffee grounds on the floor is like sand. And the smell of stale alcohol and surprising amount of prescription sunglasses and puke stained Senor Frog’s shirts from the degenerates in the booths adjacent is resembles a forbidden paradise of sorts.

Maybe a bite off of these will take you back to the time you went to Sandals Jamaica a decade ago. Another bite will send the memories swirling and the last bite will have you hearing the waves crash against the melting ice in your extra-large diet Pepsi. Before you know it you’re uncomfortably full and planted firmly on the can of a sketchy bathroom. Struggling for dear life against the oppressive heat. Just like when you caught a hold of some bad shellfish at that mystical Sandals resort.

So don’t travel. Don’t bother, there is nothing to see out there. There is no paradise. There is no culture. You’re paradise is mediocre breakfast chain in a strip mall in your home town. Your culture is Senor Frogs and themed pancakes.

USA’s newest original drama Game & Changer

Alex Game played by Wilmer Valderrama and Chris Changer played by DJ Qualls were two indefinable marketing professionals formally of the agency Game & Changer. After several successful years in the marketing world, their office was burnt to the ground in a horrific accident that was triggered by Changer huffing spray paint out of a urine soaked sock and covering the office in gasoline as a tactic to improve employee morale and display true disruptive marketing.

The gruesome event was a game changer for not only the office but the community as a whole, as thousands of lives were ruined by the uncanny marketing tactic. Down on both their luck and several thousand employees, Game and Changer quit the marketing world forever, never being able to shake the image of one frantic employee jumping through a burning SWOT analysis board.

Whether they liked it or not, the stunt had cemented their legacy as marketing pioneers and literal trailblazers in their industry. Nonetheless they would never work in the marketing world again…at least that’s what they thought.

But paradigms shift when family is involved. Game’s son is kidnapped by a group of ruthless mercenaries, hell bent on filling the top of the sales funnel with marketing qualified leads for a new product that markets the ability to increase funnel conversions on marketing qualified leads. And before long Alex Game & Chris Changer reluctantly agree to one…more…job.

Watch as deadlines are missed, meetings are scheduled, cancelled and rescheduled, fierce debates erupt over meaningless details that no one will notice or care about, high importance emails are sent and disregarded and most importantly the launch of a product that is in no way actually ready to sell. Will Game’s son die in captivity during the lengthy marketing campaign? Find out Tuesdays at 4:00 am after reruns of The Grinder.

Critical acclaim for Game & Changer:

“So ordinary that it made me feel physically ill. Every half hour episode somehow contains the full misery of an 8 hour Wednesday in mid-February,” Steve Bingham, San Francisco Times

“I’ve felt more alive after drinking a cup of week old, twice brewed decaf and watching season 2 of JAG,” Cheryl Pennington, Boston Globe

“The sick fuck that casted Valderrama and Qualls has no business living amongst us, I plan on seeking him out wherever he is and kicking in the nuts as hard as I possibly can,” Eric Gobbins, Chicago Tribune

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CBS’s newest original overindulgent, white American comedy: Matt and Mallory

The executives at CBS have quickly determined that they are losing the pulse of America with Mike and Molly and have agreed the show needs an overhaul to be more relatable to the general public. The spinoff Matt and Mallory (starring celebrity chef Guy Fieri in his first ever comedy series) will focus on the neighbors of Mike and Molly who are not only battling with their weight, but also their all-consuming bigotry.

This light hearted romp for the whole family will have episodes that primarily revolve around dwindling race relations and the depressing reality of widespread intolerance that can go blatantly unnoticed. Watch as Matt and Mallory hilariously feed each other’s paranoia and backwards ideologies until they’re an insufferable burden on absolutely everyone they know…including themselves! All the while accruing insurmountable credit card debt and setting the foundation for an ugly divorce. ZOING!

Memorable episodes include Matt accidentally getting stuck in a voting booth after slipping on a mayo soaked patty that fell out of his Wendy’s order. Matt spends the episode writhing in pain from a blown ankle as he slowly climbs the voting machine. Will he make it in time to cast a vote for his favorite candidate Donald Trump?! Hilarious! Or when Mallory makes careless, uninformed generalizations about entire cultures at a PTA meeting…right before ripping a big fart! OOPS! Arghoooga!

You’ll laugh, you’ll scream, you’ll cry…well mainly cry. So tune in now to the show that critics are calling “A completely terrifying look at the rapid decay of humanity,” “Vomit inducing on every level,” and “We desperately need something to change,”  Sundays at 4:00 a.m. immediately following Life According to Jim.

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CBS newest original comedy 2 Broke Guys

CBS’s newest, absolutely never been done before, groundbreaking comedy is called 2 Broke Guys. The series chronicles two guys that come from different circumstances but are now hopelessly and comically impoverished. Matt Reynolds (Jason Biggs) and Terry Lopito (Frankie Muniz) work at a small town diner where they experience varying forms of hilarious harassment and perplexing workplace inequality. But they’ll stomach it all for the opportunity to pursue their dreams of opening up their very own Dave and Buster’s franchise.

On the road to realizing their lifelong dream there are friends made and lost, tragic family deaths, and zany schemes that could result in lengthy prison sentences! Comedy for any age and any walk of life! One episode involves Reynolds walking in on Lopito while he’s beating his meat, the hilarious awkwardness and complete debilitating vulnerability will be the talk of the office on Monday! Another episode documents Lopito struggling with the idea that he might be sterile and that his existence will be promptly forgotten after a sparsley attended funeral. Comedic genius! To cheer him up Reynolds farts in a patron’s clam chowder at the diner, causing the patron to pass out so they can steal tickets to an Alien Ant Farm cover band concert. Just two wacky dudes having fun on a budget!

Critics are calling the show “As depressing and objectifying as 2 Broke Girls,” “Strangely depressing for a comedy” and “A huge step back for humanity as a whole,” so check out 2 Broke Guys on Sundays at 2:00 a.m.

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Point Break (2015)

Score: XXX%
Rotten Tomatoes: 14%

I entered the theater expecting to leave ugly crying after the ritualistic slaughtering of one of my favorite films of all time. I was wholly anticipating the same pain Utah felt when he blew his knee to spaghetti noodles and negligently unloaded a goddamn full clip directly into the air. The pain never came. Instead I felt my face being bludgeoned by a butt ton of extreme shit. The reimagining of Point Break will concurrently rip your fucking head off and melt your ring piece and anyone who gives a damn about inexplicable plot anomalies, alien dialogue or even a sliver of character development can sit on it.

Rumor has it the actors were placed in hyperbolic chambers before the movie; only able to watch Dragon Ball Z and do lines of Doritos JACKED 3D off of hunting knifes. This movie went back in time and made that 90’s brand No Fear popular. It ghost wrote Nookie by Limp Bizkit and told Gary Busey to order not one but two meatball sandwiches. It was the inspiration behind Jean Claude van Damme’s first splits. Vin Diesel sips his morning extenZ Energy drink to this movie, not because he needs the girth but rather because he enjoys the flavor and the subsequent uncomfortable amount of energy.

Point Break will make man-gazing an official thing. I’m almost positive I’ve never looked into another dudes eyes for more than 5 seconds without at least some spoken word or noise. In this movie there was so much gazing and so much corresponding deafening silence; it was simultaneously exceptionally uncomfortable and beautiful. Plenty of other awkward and endearing bro moments were also present. Like cooking a rustic meal together and holding hands before eating, or placing your hand on the back of another bros neck to make locking foreheads feel more natural. This being in the somewhat rare circumstance you actually find the need to experience conjoining forehead flesh with another person.

The reimagining had a perfect balance of new and old absurdities. A combination of subtle and not so subtle nods to the original that pays homage without being dependent. Bodhi is transformed into a perfectly crafted quasi-hipster d-bag and Tyler is a manic pixie dream girl, but they somehow seem like a natural evolution of the characters. Both pleasantly outrageous and flawlessly acted. Utah has hung up his cleats in turn for a motocross helmet and a shit ton of really bad tattoos, but goddamn there are times when Luke Bracey seems like he could have slid right into the 1991 original.

Hearing those wailing guitar riffs and oddly timed line deliveries took me right back. Having a belly full of an inexplicable combination of Rasberry Shock Tops and Parrot Bay didn’t hurt either. I felt as though I was a rebel in Bodhi’s crew as I courageously battled the urge to vomit in my popcorn bag on several occasions. My own stand against society. My way of giving back. Nothing like stoking the fire of an impending blackout by being completely overwhelmed by endless action sequences. So get a neck tat, grab a bottle of artifically flavored silver rum, butt funnel some Monster and go relish in everything extreme you coward.

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NBC’s newest original drama Blackout: Miami

NBC knows full well that the only shows worth watching are those about white male detectives who have some type of generalized psychic ability that allows them to fight nebulous evil forces and solve complex mysteries while also overcoming debilitating character flaws. That’s why NBC’s newest completely original drama Blackout: Miami is just like every other reheated pile of shit you’ve ever seen and why it’ll have you inexplicably wrapped around its little psychic finger.

Blackout: Miami follows the story of Vince Rainey, played by Christopher Meloni, a damn good detective that was released from the force more than a decade ago for never actually closing an investigation. The catch is he has solved hundreds of intricate murder investigations…but only while he was blacked out. Once Rainey hits a blood alcohol level that is 10x the legal limit, his psychic powers are activated and he can see acute case details unlike anyone else. The problem is by the time he wakes up…he’s forgotten it all and has to crawl back into the bottle to try and solve the case all over again. The other dilemma is, keeping him fueled with enough booze to kill a moderately sized rhino is a costly endeavor for a police department that is already short on funds…so the clock is ticking whenever the sonuvabitch mastermind Rainey is around.

With a demented alcoholic serial killer on the loose, Rainey is the department’s last hope and he’s called out of retirement for one final investigation. To the relief of his wife, Rainey will finally use his powers of blacking out for good instead of repeatedly peeing the couch where he routinely falls asleep. Can Rainey finally light the right end of a cigarette? Will Rainey dance with a lamp shade on his head during the office Christmas party? Will he spend his life savings at Taco Bell one last time? Will Rainey become the liquor? Will he finally…remember?

Find out on NBC’s newest alcoholic white male psychic cop drama Blackout: Miami

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Newest NBC original drama: Chicago Transit

The recent success of unremarkable Chicago based television shows like Chicago P.D. and Chicago Fire hasn’t gone unnoticed by NBC executives, and they’ve decided to push the limits of mediocrity to the brink with the newest drama, Chicago Transit. Chicago Transit follows retired train conductor Bill Biscane played by Ice-T, who is drawn back into driving Brown Line trains after an employee takes maternity leave. But what happens when he returns to the life he thought he had finally escaped? Will the incident that drove him into retirement continue to haunt him? Can his nerves hold up under the pressure of driving a moderately slow train full of customers with no expectations of punctuality? All of the questions and more are promised to be answered on Chicago Transit.

“We saw an opportunity to capitalize on the gritty life experienced by employees of the Chicago Transit Authority, the show practically writes itself” said NBC executive Steve Martucci.

Episodes include gripping plot twists like when a Brown Line is rerouted to the Red Line tracks because of construction. Eye opening discoveries like where the Pink Line actually goes. The joys of inexplicably turning the train into an Express, seeing the disappointed faces on a packed platform and the pain that comes with driving what is effectively a human toilet. Plus, the incident that changed it all…the haunting moment in which Biscane accidentally drove a Brown Line straight to Linden.

Critics have described Chicago Transit as “Heartbreakingly ordinary,” “As frustrating as actually riding Chicago public transit” and “Completely unnecessary”. So be sure to tune in to America’s newest #1 public transit themed drama.

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Fans boycotting Star Wars citing that the droids didn’t look/act racist enough

Steadfast Star Wars fans across the country are fuming over the recently released trailer for The Force Awakens and it’s not because of the lack of pod racing. “There wasn’t enough racist droids!” shouted die hard Star Wars fan Skeeter Nelson from the depths of his parent’s basement. “Goddamnit, if I know one thing about Star Wars it’s that approximately 90% of all droids on Tatooine were programmed to be racist!” he continued to whine, his voice suggesting a looming tantrum.

It’s not just the cries of a singular depraved man sleeping in a race car bed with confederate flag sheets however, as thousands of people echoed the opinion that it isn’t a true Star Wars movie without rampant racism.  The idea that the movies primary focus was the perseverance of hope and good prevailing over evil went right over their heads. “If I’m going to spend my hard earned money on a movie it better damn well be relatable…this is NOT relatable, in the future I hope to own several racist droids…this trailer made that fantasy look pretty bleak.” said one angry Twitter user.

Others argued that the Millennium Falcon was noticeably absent of any Confederate flags, noting that Han did shoot first on Greedo so logically he obviously shared in their same asinine ideology.

We can all hope these bigoted oafs are satisfying themselves with the latest installment of Paul Blart Mall Cop thus leaving plenty of open seats for the rest of us to enjoy what looks to be a beautifully done Star Wars.

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