The Rock’s new movie is called Diesel Fist

Hollywood, CA-Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson has one of the most diverse film portfolios of any actor in history. From being fully oiled up and trying to murder a giant ape in the upcoming film Rampage to having his heaving muscles lubed up and playing a half scorpion demigod in the movie The Scorpion King, The Rock has truly delved into the most twisted depths of method acting.

It’s actually been rumored that he turned down the lead in There Will Be Blood, claiming the role lacked depth, complexity and shirtless scenes, noting that being shirtless, wielding a mini-gun and being covered in oil would have looked objectively badass. And as all greats do, The Rock is pivoting yet again, his new endeavor is called Diesel Fist and is set to launch the day after Rampage and Skyscraper.

The plot to Diesel Fist is simple, a massive, prehistoric flaming asteroid is careening towards earth, spelling an almost certain demise for humankind. But as global leaders meet, they realize something else is taking place on the asteroid, two fully nude men, smothered in arm butter, wage a battle of life or death of their own.

The Rock starring as, retired NYC police officer, Snake Dasher and Vin Diesel starring as, Columbian drug lord, Titus Rains are settling an age old vendetta that is never quite accurately explained throughout the silent film’s duration. But what the fuck does that matter? DIESEL FIST.

The entire world watches as the two nude men wage war with a variety of weapons that are inexplicably and conveniently located on the asteroid. As blood spills and uncomfortable grunting reaches a frenzy, the world realizes that the outcome of the battle has no bearing on the fact that they are all going to die. But as they say, die doing what you love, which for humanity is watching two oiled up dudes exchanging haymakers on a flaming asteroid.

The movie’s tagline is predictably “Get Diesel Fisted,” so buy a ticket today.

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Fans livid about Bridesmaids remake where Larry the Cable Guy plays every character

Hollywood, CA-Outrage is a default emotion at this point for humanity, a resting state of fury and frustration ready to pulverize anything with even the slightest scent of creative expression. Most notably were the recent protests surrounding the movie Paddington 2, in which a friendly talking bear became a messiah for communism and a champion for Joseph Stalin by wearing a red hat.

With outrage perpetually spewing forth like last night’s Taco Bell, it can difficult to distinguish a salvageable nacho chip from the generalized pile of guts and filth. For the record, accusing a fictitious, rain boot wearing bear of being a bastard communist is legitimate outrage.

However an even more contemptuous movie is now under the same fire from an array of different activist groups.  Universal Studios announced that it will be remaking the movie Bridesmaids even though it is only 7 years old. The catch? Larry the Cable Guy has been cast as every character. Men and Women’s rights groups have formed an unlikely united protest.

“Unfortunately Larry the Cable Guy should only be cast as 1/3 of the characters in any given movie, it’s an important bylaw written in our very logical, not at all overcompensating or unfounded Men’s Rights Bible,” said prominent men’s rights activist Terry Mitchell, as he crawled serpentine up the basement stairs for his mom to spoon feed him Pizza Rolls.

Women’s rights activists agreed on that oddly specific stipulation while also noting that really nothing in this world deserves to suffer the burden of Larry the Cable Guy, especially an objectively hilarious movie.

So come see the remake of Bridesmaids this summer where Larry the Cable Guy will Git Er Done in full bridal attire! Hilarious!

Cast for Manchester by the Sea II to include Dane Cook, Ali Larter, Gerard Butler, Kevin James, Steven Seagal, a Tim Allen hologram and Johnny Depp as Jack Sparrow, directed by Tyler Perry

Hollywood, CA-After the unforeseen success experienced by the heartbreaking epic, Manchester by the Sea, Hollywood executives have decided to create a sequel of the film with the intent of making it a more digestible experience to the lowest common denominator of humankind, which happens to be the majority of film goers in the United States.

The sequel is being called Manchester by the Sea II: Fully Loaded, and features a powerhouse cast covering virtually every meaningful film genre over the last 20 years. From movies involving four grown adults pissing in a kid’s pool to films about Gerard Butler’s oiled up abs, MBTS: Fully Loaded is jammed up and ready to blow harder than a crudely fashioned glory hole at Buffalo Wild Wings.

Part of the film is shot in black and white and entirely silent, as Dane Cook and Kevin James work as ailing chimney sweeps in 1940’s Russia. But after they discover a treasure map sent from Ben Franklin, played by a shirtless, greased up Girard Butler, their entire world changes as they are sent on mission to find the resurrected corpse of a prominent Free Mason, alien high priestess capable of eluding death. (Ali Larter)

Watch as this fast paced, action packed examination of the human spirit, piledrives a thousand emotions into your brain at once and finishes with a CGI battle for galactic supremacy between a Tim Allen hologram and Jack Sparrow from the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise.

Critics are calling Manchester by the Sea II: Fully Loaded “A rare glimpse into Steven Seagal’s butthole,” and “Fully loaded, more like fully bloated, in terms of the out of shape, has-been cast,”

So see Manchester by the Sea II: Fully Loaded today!

Lifetime channel presents: Married at First Glory Hole

Hobart, Indiana-Lifetime channel has been answering the questions that absolutely no one is asking about for the last decade. Questions like: Will someone desperate enough for marginal reality television fame go through with an inconsequential wedding with someone they’ve never seen before? and Where is the brink of human loneliness? Everyone assumed that Married at First Sight answered these, but apparently the human condition is far more depraved than originally anticipated.

Married at First Glory Hole is a new Lifetime original series which documents two complete strangers whose only interactions occur through a glory hole carved into a bathroom at a Long John Silvers in Northern Indiana. Over 14 weeks the two will navigate the complicated and death defying dance that people experience when flirting with the idea of putting their junk through a crudely fashioned glory hole.

Lifetime will provide glory hole experts to help the perspective couple along the way, with counseling sessions and advice to boot. In the final episode, if true love exists, there is the option to stick your finger through the hole and receive an engagement ring from the other party and a bathroom attendant will marry them on the spot.

Will it be a finger through the hole in the end or something else? Could a bathroom in Northern Indiana be the perfect place to meet and date someone? Find out on Married at First Glory Hole, premiering next week after reruns of Did I Shard Myself?

Nick Cannon shuts down Lego adaptation of Drumline

Rockford, Illinois-Nick Cannon has officially shut down production on the highly anticipated Lego adaptation of the marching band themed comedy Drumline. The Lego universe had previously found success adapting unlikely movies such as The Passion of the Christ, There Will Be Blood and The Legend of Bagger Vance, but there will be no such luck for Drumline after conflict arose surrounding the build of the drums themselves.

“Legos appear square shaped whereas drums are more circular,” said Cannon, slowly pantomiming the drawing of a square and then a circle. “If this was a movie about xylophones MAYBE, but there’s no way this will ever work!” continued Cannon as he stormed out of production in tears.

Feeding movie goers a beer can full of someone’s dip spit and backwash has been extremely successful in the past, with the most shining example being the inexplicable Pitch Perfect trilogy. But in this case Nick Cannon has heroically refused to sacrifice his creative integrity.

Instead Cannon will begin production on a Minions adaptation of Madea Goes to Jail, a far more challenging endeavor.

Lady Bird 2: European Lady Bird to be directed by Rob Schneider

Hollywood, California-The combination of creating a sequel with the same reheated plot, transplanting it into Europe and including that location in the title of the movie, has historically yielded some of the most evolved and beautiful films in history.

That’s why Rob Schneider has bought the rights Lady Bird and any Lady Bird likeness, in order to transform the stand alone movie into the multi-film franchise with accompanying merchandise and adaptation to USA original drama it deserves.

Lady Bird 2: European Lady Bird takes place in post-apocalyptic Paris, where Lady Bird, now played by Jennifer Anniston, runs a clone brothel of male gigolos. But everything changes when she falls in love with a mysterious half-animal clone named Alphonso, played by a CGI version of Jackie Chan.

Their loves grows in correspondence with the chaos that now shrouds war torn Paris, and Lady Bird is forced to sell the clone to a traveling petting zoo in an effort to buy a crack rock from a nomadic wizard. Will the two re-unite before the destruction of the planet? Can love endure a ruthless robot dictatorship and an addiction to futuristic crack cocaine? Are clones capable of love? Find out by seeing Lady Bird 2: European Lady Bird in theatres everywhere December 2029.

Die-hard Star Wars fans finally get the Darth Maul shower scene they’ve wanted

Devote Star Wars fans have found something inherently wrong with every film release to date. Inconsistencies in timelines, character relationships, technical specs surrounding building a weapon capable to destroying entire planets, and perhaps most notably the controversy surrounding Darth Maul’s genitalia.

A topic more controversial than “Who shot first?” conspiracy theories and more fervently debated than the mysterious origin story of Boss Nass, finally gets the attention it deserves in the latest addition to the Star Wars franchise The Last Jedi.

Though there is plenty to love about the new movie, the highly anticipated Darth Maul shower scene is ultimately the only thing bolstering the critical praise of the movie.

During an emotional discussion involving the origin of the force itself and its evolution and demise over the years, BB-8 projects an unprompted video of Darth Maul showering off after hitting the elliptical machine at the XSPORT Fitness on Tattooine. The video is excruciating in both length and content, as Luke is forced to look on in horror at the steamy video clearly meant for the SnapChat DMs of a Zeltron on Hoth.

The scene is rather abrupt and completely irrelevant to the overall plot of the movie, and some fans have complained that the presence of Darth Maul’s hog really detracted from an otherwise positive experience. But critics agree that the beautifully animated CGI was necessary on every level and makes the movie more avant garde than previous offerings.

One fan commenting “If you’ve ever wondered if the carpet matches the drapes….well spoiler alert…it does!!!!!!”

Definitive Disney Channel Original Movie Ranking

http://youtu.be/yaaQYasOkuc 

5.) The Thirteenth Year- This movie taught everyone about mermaids and what to look for if you suspect someone in your class may be a mermaid. I know if some kid was decent at swimming at my high school, I would immediately be thinking mermaid…merman. The only thing this movie really brushes over is how heartbreaking it would be to leave all of your friends and family, how terrifying it would be to adapt as another species living exclusively underwater, and how perverse it was that Jess’s dad longed to be with that mermaid so bad. Other than that, perfectly executed film.  Tons of great 90’s hair, and a lot of great gender bending mermaid jokes and water puns. Who knew that Mermaids could conduct electricity!?

http://youtu.be/0epTFO83m1k

4.) Johnny Tsunami-It’s difficult to get better than a venerable tale of star crossed lovers torn apart by their love of different winter sports. A story, that when done correctly is one of the most thought provoking and endearing endeavors in existence. I wasn’t aware that there was that big of a class disparity between snow boarders and skiers so this movie was a real eye opener for me. Disney isn’t afraid to tackle issues that matter. Throw in a couple of pissed off family members that are strangely brought together by a couple of random kids racing and you’re looking at a true classic.  The mantra “Go big or go home,” surrounded by Hawaiian flowers isn’t tatted on my lower back, but it should be.  The only point of contention here is why Johnny’s grandpa seemed to always inexplicably call him “Porno” or something that sounded like that.

http://youtu.be/v0WyRlovCQU

3.) Luck of the Irish-Simply put, can’t go wrong with late 90’s, early 2000’s Ryan Merriman. An undisputed face on the Mount Rushmore of Disney channel original movies, and possible contender for G.O.A.T. The offensive Irish stereotypes, hilariously tiny mom, and the maudlin singing of This Land Is Your Land at the end which cleansed the city of any lingering bigotry, all contribute to the movie’s greatness. The true importance is found in learning about the trials and tribulations of being a leprechaun in junior high school. We all learned that the past should be revered but not dwelled upon, that sometimes the present is the only time that matters. Also there is no chill in challenging an evil leprechaun to “sports” for your grandpa’s soul and the coin that holds your family’s livelihood. Sometimes it takes more than luck to figure out who you are as a person, thanks for that Disney.

http://youtu.be/3F81sPk0u4o

2.) Brink!-Movies about roller blading are timeless. I’m pretty sure this movie single handedly pioneered the roller blade movement in the United States. We all wanted the X-Bladz gear with the Pup N’ Suds heart. I’m not sure who in their right mind was sponsoring high school students to roller blade but God bless them. Watching this, I realized how cut throat the roller blading underworld was, as Brink’s friends viewed him trying to earn money for his family by skating as an act of betrayal. This movie taught us the valuable lesson that you can’t get paid for doing something you love. Tons of shredding and plenty of Erik von Detten pouting.

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1.) Smart House-The scene above is reason enough to fall in love with this indie classic, but there’s so much more. No chance in hell Disney anticipated making the most provocative and challenging movies of the 20th century. This here is the Bible on artificial intelligence; Terminator doesn’t have shit on SmartHouse. I’m not sure enough gravity is placed on the fact that a house is impersonating an overbearing deceased family member. The thought of that disfigured, spinning Katey Sagal at the end of the movie is far more terrifying then a robot ruled dystopian future. Even though it would cause irreparable damage to your psyche, would 100% still live there for the smoothie machine, kick-butt video screens, and floor that melted stuff. You could also do a lot worse than getting raised by the voice of a borderline B-list star.

Honorable mentions: The Paper Brigade, Alleycat Strike, Zenon Girl of the 21st Century

 

Fast 8 poster leaves absolutely nothing up to mystery

Vin Diesel dropped the Fast 8 poster on his Instagram and I can only imagine the circumstance. This has Vin sitting on the can trying to shake a cement protein snake loose, likely knife hitting a line of NOXPLODE and casually tipping back a Corona written all over it. Furious 7 was by any definition a perfectly executed over the top action flick. A true ode to the absurdity we grew up on, with characters that are more cartoon than human. Needless to say the mundanity of the Fast 8 poster shook me to my core…until I looked closer. On further examination this is by far the most extreme poster to ever exist and it leaves nothing up to mystery.

Those water spots are clearly arm butter repositories where Dom and the crew can get appropriately greased up for slow motion walking scenes. The Furious series as a whole is built on proper arm butter application. You see that shading in the upper right of the poster that appears to be a cloud? If you look closer you can clearly distinguish that it’s thousands of cloned Dom Torettos (Vin Diesel), wearing jetpacks and armed with mini-guns, drag racing around the edge of the city. This shouldn’t be that surprising, as Dom was virtually indestructible last movie, being able to clone himself was a predictable character evolution.

And that glowing red tower? That’s actually the smoldering hot knife of Deckard Shaw (Jason Statham). Who during his escape from a maximum security prison crashed a souped up double decker bus into a vat of radioactive material, causing him to grow into a 100 meter tall monster. How the hell do you stop a knife wielding 100 meter tall monster with a background in special ops? Simple, first use the cloned Dom Torettos to distract it. All the while, having the original Dom convince the crew they need to come out of retirement for one…last…ride. Cue monster trucks with huge spoilers Tokyo drifting around the beast’s ankles until it falls.

Predictably badass.

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IHOP commercial will crush your soul, grind it into pancakes and serve it back to you

paradise-pancakes

The crippling bubble guts experienced after every IHOP dining experience is enough alone to stomp the shaking fingers of your soul as it desperately hangs from the edge of the abyss and now there’s this. Nothing says paradise like stepping on a gum bomb on the way into a stinking hot IHOP in some strip mall in Elkhart Indiana. I guess the spilled coffee grounds on the floor is like sand. And the smell of stale alcohol and surprising amount of prescription sunglasses and puke stained Senor Frog’s shirts from the degenerates in the booths adjacent is resembles a forbidden paradise of sorts.

Maybe a bite off of these will take you back to the time you went to Sandals Jamaica a decade ago. Another bite will send the memories swirling and the last bite will have you hearing the waves crash against the melting ice in your extra-large diet Pepsi. Before you know it you’re uncomfortably full and planted firmly on the can of a sketchy bathroom. Struggling for dear life against the oppressive heat. Just like when you caught a hold of some bad shellfish at that mystical Sandals resort.

So don’t travel. Don’t bother, there is nothing to see out there. There is no paradise. There is no culture. You’re paradise is mediocre breakfast chain in a strip mall in your home town. Your culture is Senor Frogs and themed pancakes.