Area man just trying to get a shirtless workout in on Michigan Ave.

Chicago, IL-A man of humble constitution was seen frantically weaving in and out of morning commuters as he attempted to commence his regular, shirtless morning jog on one of the busiest streets in Chicago. He definitely hadn’t been preparing his entire life for this moment. He definitely didn’t just hit L.A. Tan and certainly didn’t lightly mist his body with extra virgin olive oil for a perfect sheen.

There’s absolutely no chance he could have anticipated people accidentally gazing up at him as he pranced about while screaming the words left and right. His face contorting into an abyss of pain and anguish caused by a lifetime of eating $18 Açaí bowls and wearing only Lululemon. Decades spent perceiving himself as the messiah of leisure running.

He didn’t want any of this. He only wanted a seamless, half-naked jog on one of the most crowded streets in the city in which the pedestrians would simply stand motionless and worship his physique in silence instead of go about their normal daily routine. Inconsiderate little insects.

At least he can go to bed knowing that several people unwillingly looked at his nipples. Rest easy sweet prince, for you convinced several people you’ll never see again that you contain some moderate athletic ability.

NFL 2017 Week 1 Love/Hate Haikus

QB Love

Ben Roethlisberger at Cleveland
Jean cargos, skechers
Saturday’s are made for Kohl’s
Sundays for winning

Russell Wilson at Green Bay
An all knowing god
Unmoved by the plight of man
Only lives Sundays

QB Hate

Eli Manning at Dallas
Damn good employee
At Papa John’s in Rockford
Middle management

Tyrod Taylor vs. New York
Crushing solitude
Can devour any hope
Decay any light

RB Love

Todd Gurley vs. Indianapolis
Welcome to Indy
Beacon of obesity
A cultureless void

Jordan Howard vs. Atlanta
A dimly lit star
Wading through oceans of plain
To a dismal pit

RB Hate

Jay Ajayi vs. Tampa Bay
Pregame with Pitbull
Grape bombs at a Senor Frogs
Hangover, dale

Mike Gillislee vs. Kansas City
Horseshoe casino
Roulette wheel cruelly spins
Revealing losers

WR Love

Devante Parker vs. Tampa Bay
Carton of Camels
For a chain smoking diva
Light up, breathe deep, fly

Alshon Jeffery at Washington
I will raise you up
On Eagles wings, through the sky
The lamb of cheese steaks

WR Hate

T.Y. Hilton vs. Los Angeles
Lady luck has died
Scott Tolzien is everything
Abandon your dreams

Doug Baldwin at Green Bay
Bio Dome returns
Starring a brand new Baldwin
Rip van Tinklefest

TE Love

Jimmy Graham at Green Bay
An aging beast crawls
Toward glory one final time
Before vanishing

Hunter Henry at Denver
Bah Gawd! Who’s music?
That’s Double H! With a chair!
The humanity!

TE Hate

Eric Ebron vs. Arizona
Owned by everyone
Once a season and then cut
Then signed, then released

Kyle Rudolph vs. New Orleans
Hobbits cannot see
Reindeer, no he cherishes
Insipid handoffs

Defense Love

Los Angeles vs. Indianapolis
The glue factory
Where horses turn to Elmer’s
Huffed by famous folks

Defense Hate

Minnesota vs. New Orleans
The Viking sex cruise
Docked at She She’s, New Orleans
Unable to move

Fantasy Football Love/Hate Haikus Week 1


RGIII vs. Eagles
A crying baby
Finally gets a bottle
Full of warm cheese steak


Matthew Stafford vs. Colts
Indy Bar Louie
Worse than Detroit Bar Louie
Players eat for free


Jameis Winston vs. Falcons
Snow crab or king crab?
Or withering bird of flight?
Raw wing in hot butter



Any Dalton vs. Jets
Something that burned
Is now smoldering embers
Red rocket turns beige


Jay Cutler vs. Texans
A Virginia Slim
Can’t bear the weight of a steer
Cancer stick gets gored


Matt Ryan vs. Buccaneers
Lukewarm Smirnoff Ice
On the tile, of a bathroom
Which is soaked in piss


Running Backs

Eddie Lacy vs. Jaguars
Krispy Kreme is closed
An abandoned Pizza Hut
Crust is stuffed with Kale


Arian Foster vs. Seahawks
Corpse recovery
A new war of attrition
Waged against a game


Rashad Jennings vs. Cowboys
Wrinkled hands pull rope
To fly the sail, for three games
Before injury


Jeremy Langford vs. Texans
A thread bare sweater
The frail web of a spider
Bears offensive line


Jeremy Hill vs. Jets
That moment in time
A realization of dull
Straight to DVD


Carlos Hyde vs. Rams
Tech bubbles will burst
Gourmet roast, artisan cheese
Fuels contentment


Wide Receiver

Randall Cobb vs. Jaguars
King Cobb King Cobra
Malt liquor breaches the plane
Soaking painted turf


Marvin Jones vs. Colts
An extinct robot
Sparks a love between a boy
And his brand new toy


Doug Baldwin vs. Dolphins
Tubthumping, Butterfly, Bitch
Liquid Dream, Macarena
Once thought to be good


TY Hilton vs. Lions
Sad Beanie Babies
Cast aside and forgotten
Dumped for iPads


Tight End

Colby Fleener vs. Raiders
What if Frankenstein
Had long hair? Went to Stanford?
Would he be human?


Dwayne Allen vs. Lions
Who the hell is Dwayne?
Oh, you mean that Dwayne? He’s cool
That Dwayne is dat boi


Jason Witten vs. Giants
Cast as an extra
In the movie Last Vegas
Best friends with Freeman


Greg Olsen vs. Broncos
Edibles in Denver
Sativa makes legs tired
My face is melting



Fast pitch machine at Sluggers Bar & Grill is Cubs new ace

The NL Central division leaders just got a whole lot more frisky. The Chicago Cubs have recruited and landed a completely unstoppable force. An unhittable demon with absolutely no regard for human feelings or safety. Something so heartless that it once threw behind a bride on her wedding night.  And the best part is it’s fueled exclusively by grape bombs and Red Bull Vodkas. The fast pitch machine at Sluggers Bar & Grill was traded to the Cubs outright for Clark the Bear, who will be forced to throw 5 nights a week at the Wrigleyville bar.

“We’re pretty happy with the deal, the versatility with the machine is perplexing,” said Cubs manager Joe Maddon, refilling the machine with its preferred fuel of specialty shots. “I’ve seen Bryant not even be able to get the bat off his shoulder. It’ll launch a 100 mph fast ball at your head, follow it up with a 50 mph change up low and outside, then leave you frozen with a snap dragon curve. Unpredictable in the most terrifying way,” continued Maddon in complete awe of the mechanical perfection, still confused by how the owners of Sluggers Bar & Grill rigged it to run on alcohol.

Many have wondered how such a liability could have ever existed in a bar in which all customers are completely incapacitated. Though the fact that there hasn’t been more horrific accidents reported is a true testament to the surgical precision contained in this machine. The pitching machine will take the bump next Tuesday under the name The Official Captain Morgan Pitching Machine sponsored by Captain Morgan spiced rum, always smooth, always delicious, Captain Morgan.

Clark the Bear will also be depressingly throwing for several straight hours at Sluggers.


Kettlebell moved for first time since purchase 10 years ago

A kettlebell that had remained dormant for years has finally been stirred. Having sat stationary for well over a decade, located in a spot that at the time seemed optimal for working out, the dust riddled kettlebell was painstakingly moved to another corner of the house. Its old location now inhabited by a standing lamp.  “I think after this move I’ll definitely start working out with it every day.” said Terry Roberts who had solemnly promised the exact same thing 10 years earlier.

Like most people that own kettlebells the purchase was prompted immediately after seeing the movie 300. Momentum was lost almost instantly after a singular misguided, poor formed workout yielded neither a hulking chest nor 8-pack of washboard abs. “I don’t think I’m naïve in thinking that I should have looked like I was carved out of marble after that workout…maybe next time it will.” reminisced Terry, exultantly looking at the new placement of the kettlebell.

Since it’s widely known that moving the kettlebell from place to place every 10 years qualifies as part of the 300 workout, Terry should be completely shredded without any other alterations to his lifestyle in the next 40-50 years.


Fantasy expert confirms player could either go off or do absolutely nothing

Renowned fantasy expert Bill Biscane has boldly predicted that someone currently playing in the National Football League could either go off or do absolutely nothing for fantasy teams around the world this weekend. “Look…he’s either going to go berserk, do nothing, or do something in between.” Confirmed Biscane, a knowing grin forming across his face. Biscane has been making gutsy forecasts like this for years, forecasts that anyone with a rudimentary knowledge of the game of football could never make.

“Would I start him? Maybe but in that same respect maybe not. It’s really a complete 50/50 and depends on how your team is structured, the fear is that someone else could score more fantasy points, in that case I would not start him.” Continued Biscane adjusting a pair of nonprescription glasses.

With this kind of hard hitting analysis, it’s easy to see why they leave this highly esteemed profession to people who really know fantasy football. Watching football all day and casting out vague predictions is a difficult, gritty job but goddamnit someone has to do it. Having potential implications on an imaginary game is a responsibility very few can handle.

“Any player could do anything at any given moment, they could also do nothing…so in that sense every player is both completely startable every week and also completely unusable…do you follow?” Concluded Biscane, his voice brimming with confidence.


Man finds site to play daily fantasy sports

The search is over. One man’s painstaking quest to find the ever illusive daily fantasy site to gamble on has come to an end. “It almost took my sanity. I’ve been hunting for a daily fantasy site for months; I almost started to believe they didn’t actually exist.” Said a weary Danny Thomas slowly rocking back and forth in an age old rocking chair.

“You don’t just find a daily fantasy site…they’re deceptive and discreet…it’s almost as though they don’t want to be discovered.” He continued, repeatedly glancing over his shoulder.

Thomas spent most of the last year delving deep into the seedy underbelly of the internet in an attempt to seek out the fantasy paradise he desired; his attempts were mostly fruitless…until now. A tiny noninvasive banner image approximately 2 pixels by 2 pixels appeared out of nowhere and almost vanished before he could click on it. “It happened in an instant, I saw the pixel and then seemed to hear a whisper…Do you like playing fantasy sports but don’t like the season long commitment…it was glorious!” said Thomas now teary eyed.

He’s currently the only player competing in daily fantasy and claims to have millions in earnings. Unfortunately for the rest of us, we will remain only vaguely aware of its existence…a possible figment of our imagination.


Week 2 Fantasy Football Love/Hate Haikus

Peyton Manning vs. Kansas City Chiefs
Papa John’s Pizza
Is now serving wounded ducks
Garlic Gatorade


Tony Romo vs. Philadelphia
Enough misfortune
For an entire lifetime
Finally vanquished

Russel Wilson vs. Green Bay
Recovery water
And some fire and brimstone
Melts evil Packers


Tom Brady vs. Buffalo
Public tax dollars
Won’t fund another escape
Crushed like a cellphone

Matthew Stafford vs. Minnesota
A flat backwards hat
Can’t block out stadium lights
Can make face look huge


Jay Cutler vs. Arizona
A city ash tray
Takes a greyhound bus away
To never return

Running Back:
Lamar Miller vs. Jacksonville

Saddened, denial
Sadder than Dolphin Tale Two?
Become Free Willy

Joseph Randle vs. Philadelphia
Fresh Polo undies
Defense smells stolen cologne
They’re left motionless

Danny Woodhead vs. Cincinnati
Pocket Juggalo
The greasiest hair ever
Will slip defenders


Justin Forsett vs. Oakland
A one year wonder
Meets a stagnant, mild offense
A lukewarm result

Alfred Morris vs. St. Louis
A herd of mad Rams
Turned cannibal, seek fresh meat
Ring the feeding bell


Doug Martin vs. New Orleans
Jameis, cannot throw
Jameis, cannot throw. Jameis,
Cannot throw Jameis

Wide Receiver
Cole Beasley vs. Philadelphia
A helmet mullet
Makes you extra elusive
Blonde locks in the wind


Keenan Allen vs. Cincinnati
Left for dead, but why?
Does a season make a man?
Rise! Crawl from the ash!

Calvin Johnson vs. Minnesota
Rusty parts, neglect
Performed like Transformers Two
Ready to explode


Amari Cooper vs. Baltimore
Bah Gawd! That’s Pac-Man!
Choke slam! Amari, choke slam!
He still looks woozy!


Sammy Watkins vs. New England
What is that garment?
Invisibility cloak
Quidditch not football

Andre Johnson vs.  New York
Old, Older, Oldest
Del Boca Vista  retiree
Early bird special

Tight End:

Jason Witten vs. Philadelphia
Is this sorcery?
To disobey father time
Is to live always

Greg Olsen vs. Houston
Swarming bees attack
Like Nic Cage in Wicker Man
The bees! Not the bees!


Mayweather’s final opponent announced as bathtub full of standing water

In one final act of futility to revive a floundering public image and waning career, Mayweather has strategically chosen his next opponent to be a bathtub full of two day old water. “You thought the Berto fight was exciting? Wait till you see what I do to this stagnant water!” said Mayweather triumphantly. Mayweather Promotions anticipates this being the exclamation point on a self-proclaimed illustrious career. The fight will sell itself according to the promotions company siting that it is a true hero versus villain dichotomy. This is the fight this sport needed, not the fight it deserved.

“You think people enjoy old water?! I’ll be adored by this nation once I dispose of this bathtub! Not to mention the prospect of fighting an inanimate object is ELECTRIC.” Continued Mayweather staring confusedly at his own reflection in the sedentary tub water. He remains uncertain if the tub water will try to pull the same sorcery during the fight and will demand the water go through rigorous testing so as to ensure it is rendered incapable reflecting. Not unlike the general public, the tub of water remains indifferent to the testing and the fight itself.

Though no punches are expected to be thrown by either fighter, this fight will undoubtedly be more exciting than the previous two combined. One more fight until Floyd Mayweather mercifully vanishes into relative irrelevance.



Week 1 Fantasy Football Love/Hate Haikus

Andy Dalton vs. Oakland
Short red hair, don’t care
A horned frog turned red rocket
Pale skin shines in light


Sam Bradford vs. Atlanta
Return of Frodo
Kelly starring as Samwise
Serves Mister Frodo


Carson Palmer vs. New Orleans
Slower than the plot
Of Boyhood in slow motion
An arm not a leg


Russel Wilson vs. St. Louis
Receiver graveyard
Playmaker cemetery
St. Louis corpse feast

Drew Brees vs. Arizona
End of an era
Sawdust blowing on Bourbon
A stale, flat Grenade


Kirk Cousins vs. Miami
A banana peel
booby traps galore, from Bob
He will play again

Running Back:
Doug Martin vs. Tennessee
Salt lick and water
Muscle hamster is recharged
No more dirty cage


Lamar Miller vs. Washington
A flute with no holes
not a flute, a defense with
holes not a defense

Chris Ivory vs. Cleveland
A sprinting mailbox
Running into a pillow
Feathers will explode


Frank Gore vs. Buffalo
Old knees running in
Tall trees,  enormous buildings
Immovable force

Melvin Gordon vs. Detroit
Uncertain rookie
With Woodhead looming, waiting
To capture the throne


Alfred Morris vs. Miami
A team that can’t throw
Often cannot run, which is
Fantasy Football

Wide Receiver
Devin Funchess vs. Jacksonville
A type of mushroom
Flourishes in Jacksonville
Invasive species


Brandon Marshall vs. Cleveland
Geno’s broken jaw
A true blessing in disguise
The beard shall find you

Steve Smith Sr. vs. Denver
A shootout awaits
He’ll be your huckleberry
Who else is there?


Jeremy Maclin vs. Houston
Rare breed of QB
Receivers invisible
Unnoticed, quiet, sad

Pierre Garcon vs. Miami
Wearing oven mits
Hands of the finest cinder
Rock type Pokémon


DeAndre Hopkins vs. Kansas City
A man not prepared
To be the one, the savior
of a dying offense

Tight End:
Austin Seferian Jenkins vs. Tennessee
The safety blanket
To a QB that needs one
Jameis is Linus

Jason Witten vs. New York
Decline of Witten
Sadly begins in Dallas
Grumpy Old Men Three