Fantasy Football Love/Hate Haikus Week 1

Quarterbacks

Love
RGIII vs. Eagles
A crying baby
Finally gets a bottle
Full of warm cheese steak

rg3

Matthew Stafford vs. Colts
Indy Bar Louie
Worse than Detroit Bar Louie
Players eat for free

stafford

Jameis Winston vs. Falcons
Snow crab or king crab?
Or withering bird of flight?
Raw wing in hot butter

jameis-winston-fat


Hate

Any Dalton vs. Jets
Something that burned
Is now smoldering embers
Red rocket turns beige

dalton

Jay Cutler vs. Texans
A Virginia Slim
Can’t bear the weight of a steer
Cancer stick gets gored

tumblr_muio8ycnql1rge9rdo1_500

Matt Ryan vs. Buccaneers
Lukewarm Smirnoff Ice
On the tile, of a bathroom
Which is soaked in piss

ssmirnoff

Running Backs

Love
Eddie Lacy vs. Jaguars
Krispy Kreme is closed
An abandoned Pizza Hut
Crust is stuffed with Kale

lacy

Arian Foster vs. Seahawks
Corpse recovery
A new war of attrition
Waged against a game

arian

Rashad Jennings vs. Cowboys
Wrinkled hands pull rope
To fly the sail, for three games
Before injury

rashad

Hate
Jeremy Langford vs. Texans
A thread bare sweater
The frail web of a spider
Bears offensive line

img-thing

Jeremy Hill vs. Jets
That moment in time
A realization of dull
Straight to DVD

dvd

Carlos Hyde vs. Rams
Tech bubbles will burst
Gourmet roast, artisan cheese
Fuels contentment

cheese_fotor

Wide Receiver

Love
Randall Cobb vs. Jaguars
King Cobb King Cobra
Malt liquor breaches the plane
Soaking painted turf

cobra

Marvin Jones vs. Colts
An extinct robot
Sparks a love between a boy
And his brand new toy

toy

Hate
Doug Baldwin vs. Dolphins
Tubthumping, Butterfly, Bitch
Liquid Dream, Macarena
Once thought to be good

mi0001397622

TY Hilton vs. Lions
Sad Beanie Babies
Cast aside and forgotten
Dumped for iPads

e771025e3bc02614fd9df123ae825a16

Tight End

Love
Colby Fleener vs. Raiders
What if Frankenstein
Had long hair? Went to Stanford?
Would he be human?

frank

Dwayne Allen vs. Lions
Who the hell is Dwayne?
Oh, you mean that Dwayne? He’s cool
That Dwayne is dat boi

flat800x800075f

Hate
Jason Witten vs. Giants
Cast as an extra
In the movie Last Vegas
Best friends with Freeman

last-vegas

Greg Olsen vs. Broncos
Edibles in Denver
Sativa makes legs tired
My face is melting

olsen

 

Fast pitch machine at Sluggers Bar & Grill is Cubs new ace

The NL Central division leaders just got a whole lot more frisky. The Chicago Cubs have recruited and landed a completely unstoppable force. An unhittable demon with absolutely no regard for human feelings or safety. Something so heartless that it once threw behind a bride on her wedding night.  And the best part is it’s fueled exclusively by grape bombs and Red Bull Vodkas. The fast pitch machine at Sluggers Bar & Grill was traded to the Cubs outright for Clark the Bear, who will be forced to throw 5 nights a week at the Wrigleyville bar.

“We’re pretty happy with the deal, the versatility with the machine is perplexing,” said Cubs manager Joe Maddon, refilling the machine with its preferred fuel of specialty shots. “I’ve seen Bryant not even be able to get the bat off his shoulder. It’ll launch a 100 mph fast ball at your head, follow it up with a 50 mph change up low and outside, then leave you frozen with a snap dragon curve. Unpredictable in the most terrifying way,” continued Maddon in complete awe of the mechanical perfection, still confused by how the owners of Sluggers Bar & Grill rigged it to run on alcohol.

Many have wondered how such a liability could have ever existed in a bar in which all customers are completely incapacitated. Though the fact that there hasn’t been more horrific accidents reported is a true testament to the surgical precision contained in this machine. The pitching machine will take the bump next Tuesday under the name The Official Captain Morgan Pitching Machine sponsored by Captain Morgan spiced rum, always smooth, always delicious, Captain Morgan.

Clark the Bear will also be depressingly throwing for several straight hours at Sluggers.

cubs

Kettlebell moved for first time since purchase 10 years ago

A kettlebell that had remained dormant for years has finally been stirred. Having sat stationary for well over a decade, located in a spot that at the time seemed optimal for working out, the dust riddled kettlebell was painstakingly moved to another corner of the house. Its old location now inhabited by a standing lamp.  “I think after this move I’ll definitely start working out with it every day.” said Terry Roberts who had solemnly promised the exact same thing 10 years earlier.

Like most people that own kettlebells the purchase was prompted immediately after seeing the movie 300. Momentum was lost almost instantly after a singular misguided, poor formed workout yielded neither a hulking chest nor 8-pack of washboard abs. “I don’t think I’m naïve in thinking that I should have looked like I was carved out of marble after that workout…maybe next time it will.” reminisced Terry, exultantly looking at the new placement of the kettlebell.

Since it’s widely known that moving the kettlebell from place to place every 10 years qualifies as part of the 300 workout, Terry should be completely shredded without any other alterations to his lifestyle in the next 40-50 years.

kettlebells-rope

Fantasy expert confirms player could either go off or do absolutely nothing

Renowned fantasy expert Bill Biscane has boldly predicted that someone currently playing in the National Football League could either go off or do absolutely nothing for fantasy teams around the world this weekend. “Look…he’s either going to go berserk, do nothing, or do something in between.” Confirmed Biscane, a knowing grin forming across his face. Biscane has been making gutsy forecasts like this for years, forecasts that anyone with a rudimentary knowledge of the game of football could never make.

“Would I start him? Maybe but in that same respect maybe not. It’s really a complete 50/50 and depends on how your team is structured, the fear is that someone else could score more fantasy points, in that case I would not start him.” Continued Biscane adjusting a pair of nonprescription glasses.

With this kind of hard hitting analysis, it’s easy to see why they leave this highly esteemed profession to people who really know fantasy football. Watching football all day and casting out vague predictions is a difficult, gritty job but goddamnit someone has to do it. Having potential implications on an imaginary game is a responsibility very few can handle.

“Any player could do anything at any given moment, they could also do nothing…so in that sense every player is both completely startable every week and also completely unusable…do you follow?” Concluded Biscane, his voice brimming with confidence.

professor

Man finds site to play daily fantasy sports

The search is over. One man’s painstaking quest to find the ever illusive daily fantasy site to gamble on has come to an end. “It almost took my sanity. I’ve been hunting for a daily fantasy site for months; I almost started to believe they didn’t actually exist.” Said a weary Danny Thomas slowly rocking back and forth in an age old rocking chair.

“You don’t just find a daily fantasy site…they’re deceptive and discreet…it’s almost as though they don’t want to be discovered.” He continued, repeatedly glancing over his shoulder.

Thomas spent most of the last year delving deep into the seedy underbelly of the internet in an attempt to seek out the fantasy paradise he desired; his attempts were mostly fruitless…until now. A tiny noninvasive banner image approximately 2 pixels by 2 pixels appeared out of nowhere and almost vanished before he could click on it. “It happened in an instant, I saw the pixel and then seemed to hear a whisper…Do you like playing fantasy sports but don’t like the season long commitment…it was glorious!” said Thomas now teary eyed.

He’s currently the only player competing in daily fantasy and claims to have millions in earnings. Unfortunately for the rest of us, we will remain only vaguely aware of its existence…a possible figment of our imagination.

daily

Week 2 Fantasy Football Love/Hate Haikus

Quarterback:
Love
Peyton Manning vs. Kansas City Chiefs
Papa John’s Pizza
Is now serving wounded ducks
Garlic Gatorade

gatotrad2

Tony Romo vs. Philadelphia
Enough misfortune
For an entire lifetime
Finally vanquished

Russel Wilson vs. Green Bay
Recovery water
And some fire and brimstone
Melts evil Packers

russel

Hate:
Tom Brady vs. Buffalo
Public tax dollars
Won’t fund another escape
Crushed like a cellphone

Matthew Stafford vs. Minnesota
A flat backwards hat
Can’t block out stadium lights
Can make face look huge

images

Jay Cutler vs. Arizona
A city ash tray
Takes a greyhound bus away
To never return

Running Back:
Love:
Lamar Miller vs. Jacksonville

Saddened, denial
Sadder than Dolphin Tale Two?
Become Free Willy

Joseph Randle vs. Philadelphia
Fresh Polo undies
Defense smells stolen cologne
They’re left motionless

Danny Woodhead vs. Cincinnati
Pocket Juggalo
The greasiest hair ever
Will slip defenders

juggalo

Hate:
Justin Forsett vs. Oakland
A one year wonder
Meets a stagnant, mild offense
A lukewarm result

Alfred Morris vs. St. Louis
A herd of mad Rams
Turned cannibal, seek fresh meat
Ring the feeding bell

p1029578637-3

Doug Martin vs. New Orleans
Jameis, cannot throw
Jameis, cannot throw. Jameis,
Cannot throw Jameis

Wide Receiver
Love:
Cole Beasley vs. Philadelphia
A helmet mullet
Makes you extra elusive
Blonde locks in the wind

Indianapolis+Colts+v+Dallas+Cowboys+L3LpnTobkd3l

Keenan Allen vs. Cincinnati
Left for dead, but why?
Does a season make a man?
Rise! Crawl from the ash!

Calvin Johnson vs. Minnesota
Rusty parts, neglect
Performed like Transformers Two
Ready to explode

Hate:

Amari Cooper vs. Baltimore
Bah Gawd! That’s Pac-Man!
Choke slam! Amari, choke slam!
He still looks woozy!

jr

Sammy Watkins vs. New England
What is that garment?
Invisibility cloak
Quidditch not football

Andre Johnson vs.  New York
Old, Older, Oldest
Del Boca Vista  retiree
Early bird special

Tight End:

Love:
Jason Witten vs. Philadelphia
Is this sorcery?
To disobey father time
Is to live always

Hate:
Greg Olsen vs. Houston
Swarming bees attack
Like Nic Cage in Wicker Man
The bees! Not the bees!

not_the_bees

Mayweather’s final opponent announced as bathtub full of standing water

In one final act of futility to revive a floundering public image and waning career, Mayweather has strategically chosen his next opponent to be a bathtub full of two day old water. “You thought the Berto fight was exciting? Wait till you see what I do to this stagnant water!” said Mayweather triumphantly. Mayweather Promotions anticipates this being the exclamation point on a self-proclaimed illustrious career. The fight will sell itself according to the promotions company siting that it is a true hero versus villain dichotomy. This is the fight this sport needed, not the fight it deserved.

“You think people enjoy old water?! I’ll be adored by this nation once I dispose of this bathtub! Not to mention the prospect of fighting an inanimate object is ELECTRIC.” Continued Mayweather staring confusedly at his own reflection in the sedentary tub water. He remains uncertain if the tub water will try to pull the same sorcery during the fight and will demand the water go through rigorous testing so as to ensure it is rendered incapable reflecting. Not unlike the general public, the tub of water remains indifferent to the testing and the fight itself.

Though no punches are expected to be thrown by either fighter, this fight will undoubtedly be more exciting than the previous two combined. One more fight until Floyd Mayweather mercifully vanishes into relative irrelevance.

mayweather

 

Week 1 Fantasy Football Love/Hate Haikus

Quarterback:
Love
Andy Dalton vs. Oakland
Short red hair, don’t care
A horned frog turned red rocket
Pale skin shines in light

dalton

Sam Bradford vs. Atlanta
Return of Frodo
Kelly starring as Samwise
Serves Mister Frodo

frodo

Carson Palmer vs. New Orleans
Slower than the plot
Of Boyhood in slow motion
An arm not a leg

palmer

Hate:
Russel Wilson vs. St. Louis
Receiver graveyard
Playmaker cemetery
St. Louis corpse feast

Drew Brees vs. Arizona
End of an era
Sawdust blowing on Bourbon
A stale, flat Grenade

gera

Kirk Cousins vs. Miami
A banana peel
booby traps galore, from Bob
He will play again

Running Back:
Love:
Doug Martin vs. Tennessee
Salt lick and water
Muscle hamster is recharged
No more dirty cage

test

Lamar Miller vs. Washington
A flute with no holes
not a flute, a defense with
holes not a defense

Chris Ivory vs. Cleveland
A sprinting mailbox
Running into a pillow
Feathers will explode

mailbox

Hate:
Frank Gore vs. Buffalo
Old knees running in
Tall trees,  enormous buildings
Immovable force

Melvin Gordon vs. Detroit
Uncertain rookie
With Woodhead looming, waiting
To capture the throne

joffrey

Alfred Morris vs. Miami
A team that can’t throw
Often cannot run, which is
Fantasy Football

Wide Receiver
Love:
Devin Funchess vs. Jacksonville
A type of mushroom
Flourishes in Jacksonville
Invasive species

mushrooms

Brandon Marshall vs. Cleveland
Geno’s broken jaw
A true blessing in disguise
The beard shall find you

Steve Smith Sr. vs. Denver
A shootout awaits
He’ll be your huckleberry
Who else is there?

smith

Hate:
Jeremy Maclin vs. Houston
Rare breed of QB
Receivers invisible
Unnoticed, quiet, sad

Pierre Garcon vs. Miami
Wearing oven mits
Hands of the finest cinder
Rock type Pokémon

pokeball

DeAndre Hopkins vs. Kansas City
A man not prepared
To be the one, the savior
of a dying offense

Tight End:
Love:
Austin Seferian Jenkins vs. Tennessee
The safety blanket
To a QB that needs one
Jameis is Linus

Hate:
Jason Witten vs. New York
Decline of Witten
Sadly begins in Dallas
Grumpy Old Men Three

 

Free T-shirt Fits 4 foot tall, 800lb Man Like a Glove

A free t-shirt given away at a Cubs game last night stayed consistent with every free t-shirt ever made, fitting only those of us lucky enough to be 4 feet tall and approximately 800 pounds.  Like most free t-shirt giveaways, the promoters ordered exclusively XXL’s and stayed consistent with popular free t-shirt styles. A large part of that style is having the XX applied to width rather than length, stopping just above the belly button on normal sized humans while also ballooning out 2 feet in every direction.

The shirt was made with the extremely popular burlap/steel wool blend that is guaranteed to wreak havoc on nipples until it has been washed no less than 5,000 times or given up on and turned into a dish rags. Oddly enough even the most even keeled, mild-mannered person can turn into a raving lunatic while seeking possession of an unwearable garment.

Most people left the night either ready to bury the prized gift deep within the confines of their closet or with completely raw nipples. One man however couldn’t have been happier; Derek Sutton from Shipshewana Indiana is 3’11 and 800 pounds.

“All of the shirts I own are from giveaways; I refer to them affectionately as little-big-guy shirts.” Said Sutton looking incredibly comfortable in the free shirt. “Because I fill the shirt in its entirety, I experience less chaffing than regular people, if you’re anywhere north of four feet tall and south of 800 pounds, you’ll be out of luck” continued Sutton.

The rest of us will continue not being able to wear XXL promotional shirts.

cubsxxl

Underwear sales skyrocket as Blackhawks continue run at Stanley Cup

Savvy investors everywhere have begun capitalizing on soaring sales of Hanes underwear during the 2015 Stanley Cup final. With each game being won by a single goal, and no team ever leading by more than a goal, it’s become apparent that national underwear consumption is quickly reaching historic levels. Day trader and Florida native Joshua Jacobs was an early adopter of the aforementioned investment strategy.

“In games that are this tense, it’s pretty easy to let one fly at any given moment. Not to mention the constant squirming and skidding as you sweat out the last couple seconds of a game.” Said Jacobs sitting in a novelty chair at Señor Frogs, where most people watch sports in Florida. “It was pissing me off at first; my boxer-brief graveyard was reaching staggering numbers! At one point I was bringing two to three spares to the bar. Then it hit me, smack dab in the middle of a routine change up, I realized there was money to be made.” Continued Jacobs, swirling the crazy straw in his yardstick glass of Miami Vice.

“If I was doing it, there had to be others. Millions of additional pairs of boxers bought, ruined, and flushed in the same night.”

Jacobs has since put his entire life savings into purchasing shares of Hanesbrand and is doing quite well. The flourishing stock is a testament to just how many pieces of helpless underwear have been destroyed during this Stanley Cup final. It is also a testament to the fact that people regularly crap their pants at Señor Frogs.

The quest for Lord Stanley is a merciless, unstoppable force and until it has run its course, every pair is at risk. Financial institutions everywhere are recommending people invest while they can and use the dividends earned to buy a few more backup pairs for Saturday night.

hanes