You can do this the easy way or the hard way. Do you want your body to borrow the mediocre pizza for a few precious hours before painful expulsion, or do you want bayonet trench warfare waged for the next two days? Dragging out the whole ordeal into an unholy gastro crusade against your bowels in which they are certain to suffer a bloody defeat by the divine will of dipping sauces.

Do you endure this god awful shit pie without the assistance of garlic flavored Bath & Body Works hand lotion that renders it edible but also transforms your butt and the contents of your stomach into Disney World’s Splash Mountain? Lubing up slice after slice knowing damn well you’ll be betrayed soon enough by the false god you’ve worshipped. Yes. Absolutely. Every single goddamn time. Slather it up and drink the yellow sap from the cold pepperoni like an Adderall laden hummingbird.

You didn’t order Papa John’s for the pizza, you ordered it for the rush. The exhilaration of loading a garlic soaked bullet into a tiny plastic container and playing a game of Russian roulette with your butt.

You’ll be physically and spiritually unwell for months after regardless, so wade deep into the sorrowful retention pond of vegetable oil and imitation garlic. The momentary joy outweighs the eternal suffering.