I went to my local Kohl’s to buy a pair of defective Skechers Shape-Ups that were 75% off but only if I bought a shrimp deveiner and a lava lamp instant pot from Joey Fatone’s exclusive Kohl’s cookware line. The purchase would return $5 in Kohl’s cash that I could spend on any item from the khaki department and I needed a new pair of ill-fitting slacks, so I figured what the hell.

I was already wearing this godforsaken mask, which was a total infringement on my right to plague the rest of the store with my morning breath and my unsightly goiters and tags and then I see something even MORE infuriating than a mask requirement. Something that only sniveling liberal assholes could dream up. Something that should be a big-ticket campaign item if 45 is going to get re-elected.

Outside of the changing rooms was a sign indicating that effective immediately, there was a ban on shitting your pants! As though evacuating a week’s worth of Goya beans into a Marc Anthony branded slop bucket and then using your old khakis to clean up is somehow a COVID risk. I’ve done this thousands of times before and never once got COVID, though I did contract gout and a nasty UTI.

Goddamnit! I had a copy of Highlights magazine tucked under my arm and was ready to really work one out in that changing room! This is where I draw the line for rights infringements. Once the liberal media takes away my ability to take a shit in the changing room of a department store connected to a Panda Express and a Shoe Carnival, I start fighting back.

Pants shitting is an AMERICAN right, that our Founding Father’s documented heavily in the constitution. I’ll be damned if I ever go in a toilet again.