Chicago, IL-On Saturday, a man was seen staring whimsically out of a window at New Wave Coffee in Logan Square, his left hand rested limply yet somehow thoughtfully placed on a mint copy of A Confederacy of Dunces by John Kennedy Toole. The book appeared blatantly without wear, with all of the shine and smugness of a freshly bought copy from Barnes & Noble, making him instantly superior to any other primitive dregs strewn about the coffee shop.
“It looks like a really good book, I’ve been threatening to read it for over 5 years now. People seem pretty impressed with my ability to carry a book around for half a decade,” said Terry Horvath
Though he’s never actually read a single page of A Confederacy of Dunces, it’s proven to be a perfect prop to brood over at varying breweries and coffee shops around the city.
“The mere thought of reading the book is so powerful, so overwhelming, that I end up just moodily staring into the abyss hoping that an attractive woman notices and approaches me,” continued Horvath, tracing his finger seductively over the smooth cover of the book.
Chicago, IL-On Saturday, a man with no personality, no discernible features and a self-described “dark” sense of humor, treated other party guests to the age old comic tradition of recycling something created by a corporate marketing team with the sole purpose of selling more product.
“Who doesn’t love Dilly Dilly? It’s all like…Dilly Dilly…then the other guy is like Dilly Dilly or some shit! It really spoke to me!” said Terry Lapadat with a knowing grin on his face, coolly tipping back an ice cold Bud Light through an absolutely idiotic looking goatee.
Lapadat falls into the unfortunate demographic of people who, due to being born without a personality and being otherwise wholly ordinary, instead rely on the consumption, digestion, and regurgitation of content designed for the lowest denominator of humankind.
A knuckle dragging, shit-for-brains, leaving an uninspired skid mark on anything and anyone he interacts with, Lapadat can be seen at varying parties quoting the 2009 comedy The Hangover or discussing the comedic nuance behind Dane Cook’s Kool-Aid Man skit.
Hammond, IN-Realizing America’s obsession with subscription services and willingness to consume whatever filler is crammed into their sagging skin, one company has come up with an game-changing idea that could revolutionize the way we consume and produce waste.
In order to satisfy the need to buy absolute fucking garbage from swarming Facebook ads, Widget Inc. has created a subscription service that will deliver a heaving box of trash directly to a rarely used closet in your house, and then will pick that box up a month later and dump the contents directly into the Pacific Ocean. The box contains all sorts of items that exist for the sole purpose of giving incompetent marketing teams something to do.
The only thing more powerful than the will to needlessly consume, is the will to promote, to create as much noise as possible until a fever pitch is reached and someone with a broken will and a dull enough life makes the purchase.
The subscription is only $29.99 a month and even comes with a premium subscription to a streaming service where users can watch their waste fester, destroy wildlife and even become part of the Pacific Northwest trash vortex! So buy more shit now!
Hollywood, CA-After the unforeseen success experienced by the heartbreaking epic, Manchester by the Sea, Hollywood executives have decided to create a sequel of the film with the intent of making it a more digestible experience to the lowest common denominator of humankind, which happens to be the majority of film goers in the United States.
The sequel is being called Manchester by the Sea II: Fully Loaded, and features a powerhouse cast covering virtually every meaningful film genre over the last 20 years. From movies involving four grown adults pissing in a kid’s pool to films about Gerard Butler’s oiled up abs, MBTS: Fully Loaded is jammed up and ready to blow harder than a crudely fashioned glory hole at Buffalo Wild Wings.
Part of the film is shot in black and white and entirely silent, as Dane Cook and Kevin James work as ailing chimney sweeps in 1940’s Russia. But after they discover a treasure map sent from Ben Franklin, played by a shirtless, greased up Girard Butler, their entire world changes as they are sent on mission to find the resurrected corpse of a prominent Free Mason, alien high priestess capable of eluding death. (Ali Larter)
Watch as this fast paced, action packed examination of the human spirit, piledrives a thousand emotions into your brain at once and finishes with a CGI battle for galactic supremacy between a Tim Allen hologram and Jack Sparrow from the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise.
Critics are calling Manchester by the Sea II: Fully Loaded “A rare glimpse into Steven Seagal’s butthole,” and “Fully loaded, more like fully bloated, in terms of the out of shape, has-been cast,”
So see Manchester by the Sea II: Fully Loaded today!
Hobart, Indiana-Lifetime channel has been answering the questions that absolutely no one is asking about for the last decade. Questions like: Will someone desperate enough for marginal reality television fame go through with an inconsequential wedding with someone they’ve never seen before? and Where is the brink of human loneliness? Everyone assumed that Married at First Sight answered these, but apparently the human condition is far more depraved than originally anticipated.
Married at First Glory Hole is a new Lifetime original series which documents two complete strangers whose only interactions occur through a glory hole carved into a bathroom at a Long John Silvers in Northern Indiana. Over 14 weeks the two will navigate the complicated and death defying dance that people experience when flirting with the idea of putting their junk through a crudely fashioned glory hole.
Lifetime will provide glory hole experts to help the perspective couple along the way, with counseling sessions and advice to boot. In the final episode, if true love exists, there is the option to stick your finger through the hole and receive an engagement ring from the other party and a bathroom attendant will marry them on the spot.
Will it be a finger through the hole in the end or something else? Could a bathroom in Northern Indiana be the perfect place to meet and date someone? Find out on Married at First Glory Hole, premiering next week after reruns of Did I Shard Myself?
Chicago, IL-An Uber driver with an unwilling audience trapped in the confines of his 2003 Chevy Malibu just dropped the “but” heard round the world. The passengers had been subject to several other uninteresting stories which passed with relative passivity, more or less exposing a somewhat sad life that paired perfectly with the scent of wet dog and cigarettes plaguing the soiled cloth interior of the car.
Though just as the riders settled into what they believed to be a 15 minute penance of mundanity, the Uber driver figured that because they had entered into a contract in which he drove them to a certain location in exchange for payment, it was the perfect time to unveil some deep seated racism.
“You know, I’m not a racist,” the Uber driver muttered, glancing in the rearview mirror seeking some type of conciliatory eye contact, the passengers braced themselves for the atrocity that was surely coming, the horrific amending qualifier that would cause one passenger to swallow his entire fist and the other to recite the entire script to the movie Last Vegas in ancient Hebrew.
“But,” said the cab driver before launching into a lunatic story in which race should have been completely irrelevant. The statement prior to the qualifier obviously making him exempt from any kind of judgement, as, if someone audibly states they are not racist, it gives them free reign to spew hatred at will.
The ride mercifully ended at some point or another, the driver fell asleep, like every other night, alone to the laugh track of Last Man Standing with a 5th of Vodka and a tear soaked pillow.
South Bend, IN-After years of flirting with the prospect, namely through a steady helping of eye stingers and false alarms which required boxers to be checked, one area man finally achieved something that most people only dream about.
“So I’m sitting there…the bathroom is a full flight of steps down…I’m having a great time staring into oblivion…and I say fuck it…enough foreplay! Today is the day I finally just dump my pants,” said Phil Biggins, through a string of violent coughing fits which only added to the unpleasantness of the stench invading the train car full of dismayed passengers.
The log resting limply between the ankle elastic on his pilled sweatpants represented to many, the next evolution in mankind. A shift in thinking that involves simply giving up. The ideology that a shit stained pair of sweatpants shouldn’t be just one man’s burden, but rather the burden of anyone within 200 feet of ground zero.
A long, dull sigh that accompanies walking slowly to the waste bin and sleepily throwing away another pair of ruined socks. The routine almost second nature.
“I had come so close, so many times…now this chapter is closed, and I can’t wait to see what the future holds for me,” concluded a teary eyed Biggins, after a productive sneeze into the face of a newborn child.
Beverly Hills, CA-The famed reality television star, known primarily for euthanizing original thought and eliminating the country’s desire to collectively wipe their own ass, on Bravo’s hit show The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, has graciously given her first born daughter to a pack of wandering alpacas who had tragically lost their own daughter last month.
Delilah Belle Hamlin will be handed over to the San Diego Zoo this Wednesday where she will be slowly introduced to the alpaca family she’ll be spending the rest of her life with. “Alpaca’s can be very territorial and quite food possessive, but this staff is committed to working tirelessly until she is an accepted member of the Alpaca community,” said one of the zookeepers, adjusting his tranquilizer gun from afar as the two parties participated in a round of weary introductions.
The Alpaca family had lost its original daughter after a snowmobile stunt went horribly awry during the filming of We Bought a Zoo starring Matt Damon. Much like the American public, the loss of such a beloved alpaca greatly affected Rinna. More so than all-consuming gender and racial inequality, worldwide hunger and the impending destruction of us all by a lunatic president, righting the wrongful death of Suzy the alpaca took precedence and replacing it with a human reality star was virtually the only thing left to do. With the added benefit of maintining relevance for another 5 minutes in the age of endless consumption.
Tune in next week for the premiere of the new reality television series “The Daughters of San Diego Zoo,” and witness the trials, tribulations and ultimately heartwarming story of a girl being raised by alpacas.
Mundelein, IL-Strip club attendance has plummeted in recent years, as enthusiasts grow shrewder in the struggling economic environment and the invention of Pornhub forcing the regulars into hiding, existing only as a pair of eyes through worn shudders. That coupled with the ability to listen to Cherry Pie by Warrant on Spotify at virtually any point in the day has rendered the age old past time of pathetically sitting in the dark in a pair of soiled sweatpants all but extinct.
But one gentlemen’s club in Mundelein Illinois isn’t ready slide into irrelevance, like Jade on stage 9, that quickly. Aptly named “Moon Tits,” has rolled out an elaborate customer reward program that could rejuvenate the dying industry. Any customer that has a debilitating gout condition and spends over 40% of their salary at the club will be eligible for a BOGO cold cut sandwich with purchase of a pint of skim milk.
“People come for the women but stay for the cold cuts and skim milk here at Moon Tits, the only place where you can see tits in anti-gravity while enjoying a heaving deli sandwich,” said strip club owner Jake Fleming, pouring a massive glass of Dean’s.
So pop on your favorite pair of Champion sweatpants and Skechers Shape Ups and come out to Moon Tits for your chance at a glass of milk and a fist full of cold cuts.
Chicago, IL-The collective population of Chicago has reached a milestone 5th year of never feeling anything over “alright” in regards to physical or mental health. Whether in the process of getting a cold, having a cold, recovering from a cold, hungover, Sunday scaries, crippling boredom, seasonal affective disorder or allergies, residents are generally believed to be running at about 40% capacity.
Given the lengthy duration of feeling vaguely like complete butthole on any given day, the cause often becomes blurred and indistinguishable as the varying illnesses seamlessly transition. For instance someone huddled in a dirty quilt at your workplace hurling into a wastepaper basket may claim it’s just a high pollen day even though it’s mid-February and airborne allergens don’t generally cause the evacuation of your insides into a soiled pair of khaki pants.
Mild sniffles evolve into god splitting headaches and alcohol fueled bubble guts as weekday transitions to weekend and lingering hangovers grow harder to shake with each passing year. Allergies become the flu, which somehow becomes an existential crisis on a Wednesday in February, as it grows more impossible to determine which ailments are associated to their respective causes.
The city hopes that by increasing taxes, eliminating schools and bringing back the Chi Town Rising New Year’s Eve Extravaganza featuring a Fat Joe impersonator, that it can remedy the woes felt by its residents.