Hammond, Indiana-Several Instagram followers were filled with an overwhelming sense of pride when a friend posted a picture of an object they just purchased on Instagram last week. “Just knowing that she is still capable of purchasing is a huge relief,” said one follower staring at lifeless object, somehow hypnotized by the boastful effigy of unbridled consumerism. Without this documentation of spending, it would be otherwise impossible to verify someone’s happiness.
Though the determination to purchase the item and the subsequent actual purchasing took under three minutes and contributed to a never ending cycle of acquisition, it is still unquestionably a feat worthy of celebration. And nothing is more jubilant than a picture of a stationery object. Pictures like these are what social media applications were built for, sterile receipts containing no humanity.
Even incorporating a person actually enjoying the purchase would compromise the otherwise tasteful and engaging picture of an object sitting in space. Simply stoic. Garnish with a self-satisfied caption, a shout out to the company that made it and several orgasmic hashtags describing how it’s the happiest day of your life and you’ll be poised to get four likes in no time.
Hollywood, CA-The unanimous titan of creating semi-outdated popular music compilations has made another splash in a thriving mixed CD industry which appears as timeless and lucrative as gold or silver. NOW That’s What I Call Music! will pioneer in a new, more sophisticated era of music with an album compiled solely of vuvuzela covers. The 72 minute horn epic will be conducted and curated by none other than famed jazz vuvuzela composer Bill Biscane.
“The fact that any morsel of pop music created in the last five years is microwaved bath water affords me certain creative liberties while doing vuvuzela covers, actually the dull drone of a plastic horn is more challenging than anything you’d hear on the radio,” said Biscane meticulously rearranging his collection of colored plastic horns.
For only four payments of $19.99 pop music fans can hear someone slobber on a novelty toy for almost a full hour as they repeatedly attempt and fail to wipe their own ass.
Critics are calling NOW That’s What I Call Vuvuzela Music! ”The complete realization of the deterioration of popular music,” “Something to listen to while taking a painful, nutrient deprived dump in your piece of shit apartment,” and “An album that a grazing herd of inbred goats may enjoy, which makes its popularity that much more alarming.” So buy the album today!
Chicago, IL-On Thursday, an already stagnant conversation was mercifully put down like a sickly hound after an area dullard managed to muster arguably the most lukewarm joke in history. The discussion, which had all of the vigor and sophistication of the lips and buttholes comprising hotdog filler, involved an article that one of the parties had read online. Taking this is a que to wipe the drool from his chin and offer something utterly forgettable, Phillip Biggins sprang into action.
“So I says to her I says…”Yeah because if you read it online it HAS to be true!” That coupled with a well-timed eye roll and a self-satisfying grin gets them every time!” said Biggins of the woefully boring incident.
The statement that has functioned as a historical crutch for people with absolutely nothing to say, but still find themselves compelled to contribute.
“When I saw the polite smile and her visibly trying to think of an excuse for how to promptly exit the situation, I knew it was time to extend the joke by saying “Everything on the internet is true!”” continued Biggins, fondly recalling her sheepish smile, ripe with pity.
Biggins retreated to his studio apartment later that night and fell asleep by himself watching reruns of Two and a Half Men.
Chicago, IL-On Tuesday, a man was seen standing obediently in the exit aisle of a CTA car like a stupid fucking hound waiting for an owner that would never return home. Outgoing passengers wrestled with the heaving mound of flesh before being birthed to freedom and glancing back in anger at the person gazing lifelessly into their iPhone, but the inconvenience of other passengers was of no concern to this very good boy who waited patiently by the door…stop after stop.
“Nothing will make you feel more alive than the stale air of a train platform hitting your face as the doors open, nor the feel of someone struggling against you to get off the train before the doors close, and most importantly, the happiness of your owner as you greet him at the door after a long day,” said Terry Naquin, visibly a human but somehow inheriting the intelligence and demeanor of a goddamn inbred dog.
With nothing better to do in life than perpetually riding a train, waiting to deliver a pair of slippers and a newspaper to a fictitious owner, this loyal old mutt will ruin train rides daily until he’s finally shipped off to “live happily ever after on a farm” somewhere.
The thirty seconds spent in an elevator with the coworker that you’ve spent the last 3 years painstakingly growing to tolerate is the first ingredient toward any successful office panic attack. Because most days are spent in a ruthless game of calendar cat and mouse, as meetings are made and cancelled, double booked, or mysteriously vanish, all in an effort to drink in another moment of solitude, being held hostage in the confines of a steel gondola is less than ideal.
As you stand there hopelessly staring at your phone or the screen on the elevator wall displaying a TMZ story that broke a decade ago, you realize that the excruciating silence that accompanies trying to find a vague platitude to discuss is making your eyes bleed. However, in a moment of mundane clarity, you realize that a conversation about what day of the week it is may just be dull enough to satisfy the insatiable need for irrelevant noise.
….Tuesday huh? Heh
Oh yeah it is DEFINITELY Tuesday!
Yep…crazy that it’s Tuesday!
I know! Better than Monday though!
For sure…but I wish it was Friday!
Oh…Friday would be nice!
Working for the weekend!
The elevator doors mercifully open and both parties recede back into glorious silence.
Elmhurst, IL-On Wednesday, a man experienced what it’s like to truly risk it all for something you love, as his doughy frame nestled comfortably into the chaise on a moderately priced couch. A light perspiration had formed on his forehead as his body prepared itself for the ultimate sacrifice, that is it purchasing concert tickets online.
A calendar reminder had been dutifully made along with the link to buy the tickets, but like all things in life, nothing was certain. He would undoubtedly have to gut this one out, dig deep into his depleted vault of courage after it had been ravaged earlier that day when he heroically ventured out to get brunch with a slight hangover.
His unblemished hands, a result of a lifetime of inactivity, hovered over the keyboard trembling with the thrill of the hunt. As the violent browser refreshes reached a frenzy, the site finally pushed the ticket purchasing system live. The room began to spin and a mild erection formed, his body’s response to stimulation in an otherwise completely uninteresting existence.
As the tickets were added to the cart he promptly retched the morning’s spoils onto his keyboard and fumbled for his credit card as the countdown clock for the tickets in his cart began. This was bravery. This was transcending fear. This was living life on the edge.
Ticket order processed and his digital checking account appeared $25 lighter the result of the most exciting thing to happen to him in months.
Chicago, IL-In an effort to empower women and destroy the patriarchy that has suffocated an entire gender since the beginning of time, one Chicago bar is installing a Ladies Night, in which women only have to pay a $5 cover and unwanted sexual advancements are strictly forbidden until after 10:00 p.m. CDT.
“We here at Bottled Blonde are all about progress and change, and women should by all means have a bar, where if they pay a cover charge, they can drink safely until 10:00 p.m. CDT,” said Bottled Blonder owner Terry Horvath, wringing a fresh batch of slime out of his deep V-neck shirt.
After 10:00 p.m. the hordes of drooling fucking gremlins in suit coats and jeans, mentally incapable of understanding how to wipe their own ass, are free to do what comes naturally, and harass at will. “Every brain-dead goddamn chicken-shit loser in this city should have an equal shot at a babe totally out of his league! That’s how it works! That’s what these women want! They want dull, they desire incompetence! They want a drooling dullard wearing Trunk Club from head to toe!” concluded Horvath staring at the beckoning noose and wobbly chair hanging in the middle of his desolate bar.
Get a massage from a Disney character at the “Chill Spa”
Nothing is more relaxing than getting worked by the ample and eager fingers of some of your favorite Disney characters. Lie down on the perspiring leather folding table that people have been stinking up since the first day of the 35 day cruise and let your thoughts wander to simpler times. Few things in this world can put you more at rest than pieces of felt falling from the shoddily crafted costume and sticking to your drenched back. The massive white stuffed gloves on most characters can generate a lot of heat, so be prepared for your muscles to melt under the rhythmic churn of a dead eyed, smiling mascot.
Watch Disney movies in germ ridden theater
The one major complaint on most cruise ships is the fresh air and the view. Disney has bent over backwards to remedy this for you by allowing you and your kids to escape any beautiful weather outside and instead huddle in a dingy theater to watch Frozen for the 500th time. Who needs a tan when you can listen to Let it Go over the wail of a thousand other brats and pay $19 for a half a bag of Sno-Caps. The janitorial staff only cleans the theater after the end of the cruise so get ready for a big gum wad on the back of your pants! Get the full theater experience but with all of the additional parasites and germs of a cruise ship! You’ll be singing Let It Go days later as the vomit and diarrhea pour out of you like Elsa’s beautiful voice!
Go to a live show to examine failed acting careers
Watch failing actors struggle to make ends meet! See the actual desperation in Aladdin’s eyes as he struggles to revive his career aboard a Disney Cruise Ship. Will he make it onto a daytime soap opera as an extra? Perhaps a straight to DVD release is in his near future. It all comes down to this rendition of “A Whole New World,” will he escape the confines of this godforsaken ship or be stuck here for an eternity? Find out now!
Discover how favorite Disney characters would taste with dinner at the Enchanted Garden
The Winnie the Poo sausage? The Mickey Mouse burger (made with real nutria)? The options are limitless at the Enchanted Garden, where you can taste how all of your favorite Disney characters would taste. The rabies riddled Meeko the Raccoon tenderloin will have those taste buds tingling for days! Don’t forget about the General Tso’s Chicken Little.
Examine the strength of the human condition as Characters struggle to walk in severe heat
Watch as characters wrestle with consciousness as they walk along the smoldering hot decks of the ship. There is no limit to the hilarity of a staggering Pluto clawing his way to the refuge of a pee soaked pool. Some will appear deceased as they sit motionless in the sun chairs, that just means they’re having a good time! If you get really lucky, you’ll see one of them hurling over the side before tipping over the railing into the abyss!
Chicago, IL-A man wearing newly minted luxury workout gear, a visor and athletic shades was seen absolutely giving it to an elliptical machine late last Thursday. He remained on the machine for hours as onlookers stared on in horror at the flailing mass of limbs, his legs moving so quickly at times that they slipped from the idiotic looking foot holders of the elliptical, which was set at a zero resistance setting. His agonized face searching for absolutely anyone to make eye contact with. So that he could, without bothersome words, express juts how hard he was giving it to that elliptical machine.
Sweat poured down as the man performed classic elliptical tricks like stopping and going in reverse and standing on one foot while using only his arms to propel himself, all universally understood to be completely ineffective at actually burning calories. All designed to look as frisky as humanely possible.
The neon yellow tank top, oversized Beats by Dre wireless headphones and long tights underneath running shorts all contributed to the intensity of fitness illusion, as each horribly executed revolution of the elliptical inched his knee closer to a career ending blowout. As he finally climbed off the machine that he had driven into the ground for the last two and a half hours, he looked back in satisfaction, neglecting to wipe the pool of sweat that had gathered on the monitor.
58 calories burned in two and a half hours, time well spent under the fluorescent lights of an XSPORT Fitness.
The only thing perhaps more discouraging than the conclusion of another forgettable day of wading through an endless retention pond of incompetent emails, is seeing the eager grin of a canvasser standing firmly between your train stop and your house. The prying eyes and glowing iPad want nothing more than a quick hour and a half hour of your time, your credit card number, and a simple monthly payment that will process until you die. Certainly a decision best made after riding 40 minutes sandwiched between two fucking slobs on a pee soaked, fart filled CTA train.
Instead of succumbing to the corresponding heckling experienced if you walk by without acknowledgement or god forbid offer a slight nod and politely mouth “Sorry,” I’ve been telling these leaching insects that I have to poop. The conversation generally goes something like this:
Canvasser: Hi do you have a min…
Me: I have to poop, sorry
All consuming silence
Bowel movements function as the ultimate defense mechanism against anything you don’t want to do as there is virtually nothing to say or do if someone is on their way to poop. It can be assumed if you’re telling them about it, there is some sense of urgency or at the very least a regularity that needs maintaining.
Not to say donating to any cause isn’t worthy, obviously with the appropriate research, helping those less fortunate circumstances is a fundamental necessity for all humans. But being ambushed and then humiliated for not making a decision to donate, after a filthy iPad with a poorly made infographic is shoved down your throat on your way home from work is an entirely different circumstance.
Pooping freed me and it can free you too.