Chicago, IL-In an effort to have something deeply personal and otherwise meaningless to anyone outside of family and friends go viral, a Chicago man hired the famed, wholly unobjectionable, Blue Man Group, to perform at the gender reveal party he was having.
“I had to do something special, something that a ton of strangers would eventually see and possibly even show other strangers! That’s something both the wife and I agreed upon as a huge factor in getting pregnant,” said Terry Kibby, watching in awe as the Blue Man Group used a Yankee Candle to play a drum set made out of uncooked ground beef.
As the Blue Man Group continued to play, Kibby grew unsure of his decision fearing that by hiring the group, it limited the gender potential of the baby. The Blue Man Group would never show up pink, they had signed their souls to the reptilian shapeshifting elite after all. And though the asinine spectacle was as indulgent and self-gratifying as he could possibly hope for, he mourned that the baby growing within his wife would not be able to decide its gender through an exploding baseball like other reveals.
Just as this sentiment sank in, he heard a whir behind him, he glanced back just in time to see his wife wielding a sock full of quarters, as the sock made contact with his skull, a plume of pink mist sprayed into the air. Guests remained uncertain if it was blood or chalk, but they cheered knowing that the baby was either a boy or girl or neither.
In time he would get to experience more happiness than his heart could hold, his very own viral moment. Something he would lord over his resentful son for the rest of his life.
“Having this little bastard was totally worth,” said Kibby, watching the likes, favorites and retweets amass.
Hollywood, CA-The show Man vs. Food on the travel channel is seeking a new driveling slob to function as a beacon of sadness for all of humankind to relate to. The previous Man vs. Food host Casey Webb, who replaced the rapidly deteriorating Adam Richman, left the show after a dispute in his contract in which he refused to eat a rotting donkey carcass in front of a crowd of nude elders in a sauna at XSPORT Fitness. Though a week before he had consumed a cat turd off of a white hot hibachi grill, there are some lines that can’t be crossed.
“We’re looking for someone whose face can contort in such a way that the audience can visibly tell their organs are collapsing. Their eyes should be those of someone being held hostage under threat of physical violence if they don’t finish whatever grotesque bucket of slop we pile drive down their drooling cram hole,” said Man vs. Food recruitment manager Alphonso Knutson.
The turnover rate has been incredibly high for the host of the show as all prior hosts have succumbed to the same fate of a blown ring piece caused by a several month long fart.
“Someone who is discernably spiritually and physically unwell is the ideal candidate, extra jaundiced and oddly sweaty if possible!” continued Knutson using a plunger to shove an 8 lb burrito down the new hosts trembling lips.
If you’re feeling violently ill, don’t even think about staying home. Stupid. Careless. Classless. That’s right, you’ll never actually shake that cold by staying home and meticulously nursing yourself back to health. No not at all. You need to be surrounded by other healthy people who are only made aware of your condition by productive nose blowing, labored breathing and forceful hacking that your tiny fist has no chance of containing. Let’s not forget the whiplash inducing sneezes that create a visible mist that falls gently onto your neighbor’s keyboard like fresh dew onto a perfectly manicured lawn on the first day of spring…they don’t care, they’re just happy you’re there…everyone is.
Why would you possibly burn a PTO day staying home when you could be a completely useless burden to everyone in the office? Nothing like visibly and audibly wrestling with the effects of the Nyquil binger from the night before…not to mention whatever the hell you’re sipping on this morning to keep your lungs from falling out of your ring piece. Cough medicine induced tantrums in the middle of meetings are grounds for a raise, so sip away. Succumb to the delirium as you consider the idea that the computer is in fact controlling you.
It’s not as though any of your nebulous digital work could be done at home. Sending emails that no one looks at. Creating digital waste to blast into the abyss. No, none of that could be done from home because your coworkers wouldn’t then have the delight of seeing your lifeless grey and beige complexion and smell your teeth that you neglected to brush. Just remember they’re only concerned about your health not their own, so lean on them as much as possible…it’s not selfish at all…it’s what they want.
So next time you grow predictably ill, go in and sweat it out with the best of them in your ergonomically correct desk chair as you stare into a computer screen that’s as lifeless as you.
Chicago, IL-When a Chicago resident saw that Barstool Sports had favorited a Bear Grylls tweet from 2003 involving the destruction of the Great Barrier Reef, he knew the time for action was now. After all, if the flesh pile of microwaved deli meat that was running the account that night had huffed enough duster to be examining archived tweets from a fraudulent outdoorsman from more than a decade ago, than this was certainly a cause to get behind.
“I saw a problem and did something to fix that problem by buying a Patagonia hat off of Zappos,” said Holden Grayson Mumford, looking proudly at an outfit assembled entirely out of Facebook ads.
Though the purchase of the hat itself does nothing in the actual preservation effort for one earth’s last true wonders, it does let people know that his entire personality can be distilled into having a vague interest in the notion of loving nature.
“Fail GIFs, side boob, hive mentality and the illusion of being outdoorsy, you don’t even wanna know the amount of pussy I don’t get!” continued Mumford, proudly examining his perfectly characterless face and head.
He is an indistinguishable blemish on the ass of Mama June, a rash not quite painful enough to have a doctor look at, he is no one, and he is everyone.
Hammond, IN-A man’s spiritual journey across Western Europe, completed in an effort to rediscover himself and fall back in love with the man he once was, culminated with several pictures that would fit perfectly in an iStock catalog. In the spirit of Kerouac, restaurants and bars were heavily researched beforehand and TripAdvisor was strictly abided by.
Top rated Ubers were taken instead of motorbikes or walking and locals were peered at with the weighty suspicion of an elderly person watching passerby from their front lawn. But perhaps the biggest realization of the highly sought after imaginary bohemian vagabond fantasy were the stock photos taken in front of varying famous landmarks.
“I heard about this spot in London, locals called it Big Ben, it was this clock…very off the beaten path…avant-garde…and I just looked at it and thought…time…then snapped a pic so my followers could glimpse the same obscure underbelly I did,” said Ken Kibby tipping his fedora and adjusting his infinity scarf.
The transformation has continued since Kibby’s return from his trip as his insufferable interests on Tinder now include “lover of the world, hopeless wanderer and international craft beer connoisseur.” His next artistically curated adventure will be a week-long stay at Universal Studios Orlando.
Hammond, Indiana-In an effort to halt a social media free fall, full of excruciatingly mundane life updates and benign observations void of any personality, an Indiana man has resorted to desperate measures. “People generally like when I post hot takes on current affairs like “Trump is a shapeshifting reptile, like if you agree!” or “I’m house Hufflepuff in the Harry Potter quiz, what house are you!?” but I haven’t been getting the social media recognition necessary to survive,” said Derrick Kibby, as he posted an obligatory HBD on several Facebook friend’s walls whom he hasn’t actually spoken with in years. He notes that this is the only real way to maintain a friendship. HBD.
The lack of social media encouragement from people who could be loosely defined as acquaintances caused Kibby to reach deep in the archives and post a picture from his childhood, thinking the adherence to the inexplicably still popular #TBT would get him the likes he needed. The lack of response to the picture has caused him to question everything.
“How could everyone promptly ignore a picture that proved, at one point in my life, I was a child? My childhood must have been dog shit if it only got three likes…or maybe I was never a child at all and I didn’t get any likes because people found it creepy that I was posting pictures of other peoples children…that must be it,” continued Kibby despondently, visibly shaken knowing that his entire childhood is now in question and that he may or may not have posted a random picture of someone else’s child.
Whoever dies with the most likes wins. Social media validation is the only thing that matters. Three likes means you were never a child at all.
Chicago, IL-An anniversary post proudly announcing to friends and family what is already assumed fact is a pivotal point in any marriage. Very specific, heartfelt emotions about a spouse deserve to transcend merely existing between two people. They should be immortalized on a social media, for the entire world to cherish and judge.
Examined with reverence and heavily reflected upon by a high school acquaintance as they toggle back and forth between PornHub and the earnest Facebook post. They are filled with an overwhelming joy knowing that someone they once spoke to in sophomore year geometry is married to another person they’ve never met and will never meet. Watching the digital evolution of two complete strangers is, after all, one of life’s last miracles.
“I had no idea where my wife and I stood after a year, you couldn’t imagine the relief when I saw her lengthy Facebook post sandwiched between an ad for the last shoes I’ll ever wear and a CNN exposé on the constitutional rights of sex robots” said Phillip Biggins who had waited anxiously for the potential post for weeks.
The post garnered just enough likes to reinforce that, it had in fact been a good year together, thus providing the coveted approval that would fuel the marriage for at least another year. “Stephanie Mackewitz was nowhere to be found in the 12+ likes the post garnered, I thought she would be happy about me announcing that I love my best friend, I guess not,” said Kelly Biggins, a look of resentment growing apparent.
Phillip has since responded with a well-timed post that reads “Love you babe #thisisonlythebeginning.” It has received three likes and a comment since being posted over 6 hours ago.
Hollywood, CA-You’ve seen the consuming misery of a 6 person family moving into a tiny house, that all but eliminates the already dwindling sex life of two offensively cheap bastards in a failing marriage. You’ve also experienced the thrill of watching someone slightly less interesting than you, tediously choose one of the several indistinct apartments which they’ll live out a year of their miserable life in.
But you’ve never seen this.
New to HGTV, Duster Brothers XL. Two unrelated and mostly forgettable men, who aren’t actually brothers but merely acquaintances that met at the Simon Cowell impersonator book signing event: It Could Have Been Me, travel around norther Indiana huffing keyboard duster and asking varying zoo animals if they’re into mid-century modern styled furniture.
You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll watch for 10 hours and question your place in this world and become inexplicably irate when the ostrich seems to not like mid-century modern furniture. And maybe…just maybe by some divine act of god, you’ll manage to scoop one more helping of chicken Kiev into your slacked mouth before you fall asleep alone.
Hammond, IN-There was an uproar at an unofficial Buffalo Wild Wings franchise, which turned out was just a tube TV, a case of keyboard duster and several live chickens under a pier in Hammond Indiana, on Sunday morning. As a group of inbred shit bags prepared to watch football, huff duster, skid out their undies and perhaps slaughter a few chickens, they quickly mistook an Arby’s commercial for the National Anthem and promptly removed any soiled burlap sacks resting on their heads. But one lowlife goddamn coward decided to kneel.
Doing duster and threatening a malnourished chicken in the same language those aliens used in Avatar during the anthem is acceptable, kneeling is strictly forbidden. Protesting correctly is no protesting at all. It means giving up. Succumbing. Settling. Protesting is eating a case of Slim Jims at halftime and pissing your pants because going to the bathroom is simply too much effort.
Fortunately the crisis was averted, because there was, in fact, no protest of the atrocities occurring in the country. As it was explained later, the man was kneeling in order to see up the skirt of a woman which turned out to be a mud sculpture of Steve Harvey. Thank god. Nothing to see here, just sexually harassing an inanimate object. Now who wants to continue to ignore social injustices and watch some FUCKING football you brain dead shit heads!?
Chicago, IL-An area man proved just how cool he perceived himself to be by posting a boomerang of him doing something that has been marketed as cool by the site Trip Advisor, a canon of sorts for the hordes of Life Is Good acolytes in search of a lukewarm adventure that could perhaps turn their spiraling life around. The boomerang has since compiled 11 views.
“Sorry for partying,” said Grayson Tipton-Murry, regarding the experience of sitting in an air conditioned, highly regulated environment, hurling dull axes at soiled pieces of cardboard. Him and his goddamn loser friends exchanging knowing glances that this is how our ancestors must have felt. Dangerous. Alive. Proud. Boastful. Instagram worthy. Filters. Influencers.
The boomerang itself adds more girth to the posturing shit log that won’t seem to finally die and mercifully go down the toilet. The constant competition of expelling enough goddamn waste to exist as a unique smear on the log before being engulfed and forgotten.
So have a Bud Light and boomerang the shit out of yourself axe throwing today.