Son gives mom the four paragraph Instagram tribute she always wanted for Mother’s Day

Elmhurst, IL-Expressing gratitude for a lifetime of personal sacrifice and unwavering love is often manifested in the form of a cotton candy scented Yankee Candle. But this year one man living in a piece of shit Chicago suburb had other plans for Mother’s Day. Something unique, timeless and able to garner over twenty valuable likes on a given social media platform.

“Posted a pic of her on Instagram WITH a black and white filter,” said Phillip Biggins, with a look of excruciating contentment on his placid face. “I also did 500 words on how she made me the man I am today and how fucking sweet my life is right now. The only thing she has ever wanted in life is validation on a curated social media account in the form of likes from friends that have never met her,” continued Biggins scrolling through a swarm of completely identical Mother’s Day tributes.

When asked, Biggin’s mom confirmed she hadn’t seen the post, didn’t know what a post was, didn’t have an Instagram account and wasn’t aware what Instagram was or why she was being interviewed by a largely unknown surrealist culture blog in the first place.

“Oh yeah…did I mention the hand lotion from Bath & Body Works and the $20 Talbots gift card? #bestsonever #winningatlife #dadsandgrads” concluded Biggins huffing on his finger nails and polishing them against his popped collar, extra medium, Hollister shirt.

Office Evolution: Humans pooping faster to avoid suspicion from coworkers

Chicago, IL-The intricate history of humanity’s evolution in cultureless office environments just became even more nuanced. With desirable physical manifestations like stained teeth, poor posture, aggressive beigeness, smooth lifeless hands and deteriorating vision already mainstays in the transformation to crippled desk troll, this new evolutionary attribute is a game changer that could complete the transition to docile office lackey.

In a double blind placebo study conducted across indistinguishable digital entities in Chicago, it was found that most employees could completely evacuate themselves in less than 25 seconds. Comparatively time on spent on the crapper at home breached 10 minutes with regularity.

The difference of 9 minutes and 35 seconds is attributed to the paranoia that the other indifferent employees in the office would become aware of the prolonged absence and thus privy to the ruthless war being waged atop a nest of cheap toilet paper in stall three of an office bathroom. Assuming that all coworkers are constantly seeking an opportunity to envision someone they work with struggling on the can.

The fear of judgement for a bodily function, from a group of people that are forced to tolerate each other on a daily basis, has caused productivity to skyrocket across the city as the era of a leisurely pooping while doing 200 pages of Moby Dick is facing certain extinction.

Definitive Disney Channel Original Movie Ranking

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5.) The Thirteenth Year- This movie taught everyone about mermaids and what to look for if you suspect someone in your class may be a mermaid. I know if some kid was decent at swimming at my high school, I would immediately be thinking mermaid…merman. The only thing this movie really brushes over is how heartbreaking it would be to leave all of your friends and family, how terrifying it would be to adapt as another species living exclusively underwater, and how perverse it was that Jess’s dad longed to be with that mermaid so bad. Other than that, perfectly executed film.  Tons of great 90’s hair, and a lot of great gender bending mermaid jokes and water puns. Who knew that Mermaids could conduct electricity!?

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4.) Johnny Tsunami-It’s difficult to get better than a venerable tale of star crossed lovers torn apart by their love of different winter sports. A story, that when done correctly is one of the most thought provoking and endearing endeavors in existence. I wasn’t aware that there was that big of a class disparity between snow boarders and skiers so this movie was a real eye opener for me. Disney isn’t afraid to tackle issues that matter. Throw in a couple of pissed off family members that are strangely brought together by a couple of random kids racing and you’re looking at a true classic.  The mantra “Go big or go home,” surrounded by Hawaiian flowers isn’t tatted on my lower back, but it should be.  The only point of contention here is why Johnny’s grandpa seemed to always inexplicably call him “Porno” or something that sounded like that.

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3.) Luck of the Irish-Simply put, can’t go wrong with late 90’s, early 2000’s Ryan Merriman. An undisputed face on the Mount Rushmore of Disney channel original movies, and possible contender for G.O.A.T. The offensive Irish stereotypes, hilariously tiny mom, and the maudlin singing of This Land Is Your Land at the end which cleansed the city of any lingering bigotry, all contribute to the movie’s greatness. The true importance is found in learning about the trials and tribulations of being a leprechaun in junior high school. We all learned that the past should be revered but not dwelled upon, that sometimes the present is the only time that matters. Also there is no chill in challenging an evil leprechaun to “sports” for your grandpa’s soul and the coin that holds your family’s livelihood. Sometimes it takes more than luck to figure out who you are as a person, thanks for that Disney.

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2.) Brink!-Movies about roller blading are timeless. I’m pretty sure this movie single handedly pioneered the roller blade movement in the United States. We all wanted the X-Bladz gear with the Pup N’ Suds heart. I’m not sure who in their right mind was sponsoring high school students to roller blade but God bless them. Watching this, I realized how cut throat the roller blading underworld was, as Brink’s friends viewed him trying to earn money for his family by skating as an act of betrayal. This movie taught us the valuable lesson that you can’t get paid for doing something you love. Tons of shredding and plenty of Erik von Detten pouting.

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1.) Smart House-The scene above is reason enough to fall in love with this indie classic, but there’s so much more. No chance in hell Disney anticipated making the most provocative and challenging movies of the 20th century. This here is the Bible on artificial intelligence; Terminator doesn’t have shit on SmartHouse. I’m not sure enough gravity is placed on the fact that a house is impersonating an overbearing deceased family member. The thought of that disfigured, spinning Katey Sagal at the end of the movie is far more terrifying then a robot ruled dystopian future. Even though it would cause irreparable damage to your psyche, would 100% still live there for the smoothie machine, kick-butt video screens, and floor that melted stuff. You could also do a lot worse than getting raised by the voice of a borderline B-list star.

Honorable mentions: The Paper Brigade, Alleycat Strike, Zenon Girl of the 21st Century

 

High school prom attendees make bold, never been done before decision to rent stretch H3, wear top hats and sunglasses

Winnetka, IL-Last Thursday a group of potential prom attendees made a decision that would undoubtedly cement the evening as the greatest thing they’ll do in their entire life. Unrivaled by any other achievement or significant life event, with a happiness that will never be experienced again, prom night 2017 will exist in infamy for an eternity.

“Me and my buddies weren’t even gonna go…then we said…what if we rolled stag? Automatically tight…Then I had this insane idea…what if we got our parents to rent a stretch Hummer for us…and what if we also had them buy us pastel tuxedos with top hats and canes…and what if we were all wearing athletic shades….” Said Terry Mitchell, visibly coveting the apparent novelty of the idea.

It’s not every night that you get to spend with several hundred other faceless dregs that you’ll never see again, so the key is creating enough resentment and embarrassment to transcend being mercifully forgotten about.

“We’ll be gods. Climbing out of that stretch limo four dudes deep, blasting Chainsmokers, maybe even sword fight with the canes! We’re all for sure getting laid multiple times.” Continued Mitchell, knowing damn well him and his friends would be retreating to an evening of PornHub solitude.

Three of the friends never made it into the dance, drinking to incapacity, severely pissing themselves and face-planting on the concrete in front of Principal Loesch…LEGENDARY. Mitchell made it into the dance but inexplicably trapped himself under the bleachers whilst attempting to retrieve a popcorn kernel, which he maintains was as historic as any lake house after party.

The last pair of jeans you’ll ever wear!

This is in no way a Facebook ad bludgeoning relevant content into a bloodied pulp at the bottom of your feed. Making you suspicious that the birth of your niece might be a marketing campaign to get you to buy the best vape pen designed by NASA engineers. That’s not what this is at all. This is an exclusive one time offer running for the next decade for 2% off any order of over $400 from SKIN denim, the latest trend in luxury denim and the last pair of jeans you’ll ever own.

SKIN denim is a process designed by a group of post-apocalyptic clergymen who wanted to create a pair of jeans that would truly tell your story. They studied ancient Japanese denim crafters for the last four decades and then didn’t use any of their techniques. Instead they use a super intuitive app to get you the most comfortable pair of jeans you’ll ever own…how you ask? Because they’re made out of your own skin.

The process is simple, order a pair of SKIN denim and a box arrives at your door that contains an extremely powerful laser. Read the instructions carefully and use the laser to remove a full layer of skin from belly to ankle. Place the molten skin back in the box and use the free shipping label to send it back to the good folks at SKIN denim.

The skin is then airbrushed by the same person airbrushing t-shirts at your local mall and sent directly to your door with a bottle of rubber cement. Coat the inside of the jeans with rubber cement and slip them on! Be prepared for absolute movement and flexibility while also telling YOUR story as every hair, wrinkle and blemish is on display for the entire world to see.

Be comfortable in your own skin…with SKIN denin.

Couple Comes Home With Not One but Two Crappy Paintings after Wine & Paint

A couple eager to decorate their apartment with some homemade art were sorely disappointed after discovering the two paintings from their Wine & Paint class were not only identical, but also complete abominations. “I guess in hindsight we should have anticipated them being identical, but there was no way to foresee the gross over-estimation in our creative ability.” Said 29 year-old Robert Mansfield staring glumly at the atrocity in front of him. His wife’s was equally disgraceful, an embarrassing mess of excessive acrylics.

The night before they had deemed them their life’s work.

“We honestly thought they were pretty good…who wouldn’t want a painting of a ship and a full moon with the saying Swim to your Dreams under it…it seemed incredibly original to us, something to really make our apartment stand out.” Continued Mansfield with his head planted firmly in his hands. Him and his wife oblivious to the fact that there have been several hundred other versions of this painting made from the class in varying degrees of crappiness.

It took several weeks but the honeymoon phase with the paintings they had convinced themselves were somehow good finally ended one fateful Wednesday night. Rob described walking by the two paintings and having a moment of clarity that snapped him from his previous delusional state. “They’re really bad, I was drunk off red wine again for the first time since that night and finally noticed the ugliness; my stomach hurts looking at them.” Said Mansfield crudely jamming the paintings into the dumpster.

Not everyone snaps out of the delusion like Rob, hundreds of basic paintings hang around houses as we speak, so be weird and for the love of God don’t do wine and paint.

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Trump to start new made in the U.S.A. business, Trump Jankem

Washington, D.C.-Coming under recent scrutiny from having campaign merchandise that was produced in both Vietnam and China, President Elect has vowed that his newest business endeavor will be 100% made in America. Trump Jankem is set to hit stores later this month, the product itself is a thinning, hastily tied grocery bag full of dry-aged human feces.

The product is being described as huffable patriotism and is said to wreak such immense havoc on your brain and nervous system that you’ll transform from open-minded liberal to bigoted tree stump in minutes.

“We’re not just selling bags of my loosest BM’s and I’m talking LOOSE, ok, we’re selling bags of freedom, that’s right a chance at REDEMPTION for all of my many enemies, a chance to bring Steve Bannon’s favorite past-time to the masses!” said Trump squatting over a bag being held by an eager Vice President Mike Pence.

The dry aged fumes are said to directly bolster patriotism in 4 of 5 people who huff Trump Jankem and when combined with Breitbart news or any network television shows it has been reported that true nirvana is experienced as all brain activity momentarily ceases.

Look for Trunk Jankem next to Mountain Dew Code Red in the beverage aisle at any convenient store.

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TGI Fridays launches TGI Wednesdays for depraved office souls who can’t make it full week

Realizing that the majority of the country has no chance of actually making it to Friday to seek refuge in their customary garbage piles of bogo knuckle steak jammers, jalapeno shooters, nummy chicken nubbbies and vodka mudslides, TGI Fridays has launched TGI Wednesdays.

Described as “a midweek, strip mall orgy on a budget,” TGI Wednesdays hopes to provide a haven for the majority of the country that require getting blacked out and eating shitty food on a Wednesday to maintain sanity in the otherwise brutal state of humanity.

There will be some certifiable psychopaths in tow, as is the case with any TGI Fridays location, but for the most part TGI Wednesday will cater to the disgruntled after work crowd who have spent the entire day churning out digital waste comparable in quality to the shoddy décor in a Wednesday themed bar and grill.

With a menu that encourages gorging your sadness into oblivion, the feeling of being uncomfortably full will soon distract from what ails you. The TGI Beef Fingers, a 60-40 mash of ground chuck shaped into a knotted human hand, deep fried Barefoot Rose’ and garnished with ostrich feathers are certain to loosen your worries and tighten your waistband.

Wash it down with a frosty mug of cocktail award winning Puckered Brown Eye and watch your cares melt away like the ice your stagnant cup of nutria infused Sour Apple Pucker. Forgetting about family and loved ones and knowing only the unique warmth provided by a franchised casual dining establishment.

The slogan for TGI Wednesdays has been confirmed as “Fuck it, it’s Wednesday”. So treat yourself with a full blackout for making it halfway through another forgettable week.

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Report: GrubHub order fails to stay under $50 again

Chicago, IL-A GrubHub order that, upon creation, seemed destined to reach the sacred promised land of convenience and affordability has forsaken a customer once again. What started as a four taco order with a side of chips and guacamole evolved into a $62 fiesta after factoring in minimum order amount, taxes, tip, delivery charge, driver gratuity, taco making tariff, avocado upcharge, steak upcharge, chicken upcharge, baggy of cilantro upcharge and optional returning customer loyalty fare.

The initial bill was a blur as an all-consuming laziness and desperation for lukewarm delivery enveloped the customer on the couch, paralyzed by a heated Law and Order SVU marathon. Any price seemed reasonable to avoid the appalling idea of cooking or even more upsetting prospect of putting on cloths. And the inevitable Instagram boasting about a sleepy Friday night in.

The next day the crippling guilt of a $62 taco delivery hanged heavy in the studio apartment now covered in soiled wrappers. Maybe weeping into a dirty taco sack is what convenience looks like.

As thousands of GrubHub orders are placed daily, modest thrill seekers still covet the lucrative order that will against all odds make it under $50.

Area Cubs fan excited for season to start so he can yell “If you shake it more than one, you’re playing with it!” without judgement

Wrigley field Bathroom, Chicago, IL-An area Cubs fan has been polishing his bathroom line material all off season and will finally get a chance to unleash his sophisticated comedic genius on other fans as they wait eagerly and painfully for their chance to piss butts to nuts in a steaming trough.

“People don’t just come to Cubs games for the baseball or the beer, they want the bathroom comradery! Nothing gets the line moving faster and keeps the laughs rolling like a drunken old man screaming incoherently about pissing habits,” said Rusty Mason, a life-long Cubs fan that is said to bleed Old Style and design Family Guy inspired Cubs merch in his spare time.

The loosely defined “routine” consists of one joke that is recycled from year to year after a culmination of blackouts ultimately render Mason’s short term memory obsolete.

“I’ve got a doozy this year! Guided by the hand of our lord and savior Gordon’s Gin and a sock full of spray-paint! If you shake it more than once, you’re playing with it! Timely, relatable and unique, checks all of the boxes for a good joke!” continued Mason blowing black mold from his handheld AM/FM radio.

Cubs’ fans can look forward to a season of aggressively staring into their iPhones in an attempt to avert eye contact with the snickering maniac seeking affirmation.