Top 5 things I saw at Lollapalooza after drinking a 5th of Malibu rum out of a sausage casing

Chance the rapper eating avocado toast-Chance the Rapper proved once again that he can do no wrong as thousands of rabid fans witnessed a 4 hour performance which involved him eating a piece of avocado toast, digesting it, and shitting it out, with impeccable accuracy, into a can of Pamplemousse La Croix. All the while his band ripped through an EDM version of Despacito an unprecedented 150 times. Crowd members who had mistaken urinal cakes for giant Molly pills collapsed and openly wept. Those in attendance called it a modern day miracle and noted that no other performance could so accurately represent an entire generation.

PornHub sponsored Porta Potties-In an effort to increase wait times at porta potties, Lollapalooza and Pornhub partnered to birth the Porna Potty. Every porta potty was crudely retrofitted with a VR headset and a communal ball of Vaseline. Guests could SEAMLESSLY upgrade to a Brazzers premium account by tapping their officially licensed Lollapalooza fidget spinner credit card against one of the sweaty walls of the sickening sex dens. Lollapalooza is considering converting the entirety of the festival to a more porn and toilet forward format next year. A pink eye epidemic has since consumed the city.

Drone petting zoo-Anyone looking to take a quick break from the music could enter a majestic drone habitat in which thousands of drones were available to pet or feed tiny grain pellets to. Guests stared in awe at the blinking red lights of the drones as they suspiciously recorded footage for whatever sick fuck was flying them. The tiny zoo was conveniently located next to the lollapalooza lost and found where guests could root around in a giant box of fingers in an attempt to find one of similar length and girth to the one they just had severed by one of the drone propellers.

Vape charging station-Catering to those in attendance, all cell phone charging stations were replaced with vape charging stations. Because nothing else matters in this world if you can’t blow a huge fucking plume at a festival.

DJ Khalid cover band played the entire Emoji Movie soundtrack-The DJ Khalid cover band took their iPod shuffles on a WALK Sunday at 3:30 a.m. Twelve overweight dudes wearing velour track suits and wielding synched up iPod shuffles…blasted out banger after banger! No one could have anticipated them pressing play at the same time and letting the entirety of the Emoji Movie soundtrack playout. A true treat for any real EDM fans!

Perry’s DJ tent to be held in massive Porta Potty

Chicago, IL-In order to appease the needs of the devolving frenzy of underage, suburban gremlins swarming festival grounds, Lollapalooza has decided that Perry’s DJ tent will be held in a goliath Porta Potty, the largest portable bathroom themed EDM tent of its kind.

“We had to do something big this year and there is nothing bigger or more representative of this festival than a steaming hot, panic-inducing Porta Potty rave, complete with functional toilet on the roof,” said one Lollapalooza representative preparing to butt bong a stale Bud Light Lime.

The rooftop opening is being branded as the “Drop Hole” where attendees are encouraged to scale the flimsy structure and rain beer piss and malnourished bowel movements on the molly fueled crowd below, in unison with the characterless DJ as he drops the beat over and over again. Lollapalooza guarantees over 40 likes on Instagram if you use the hashtag #CloggedTheDropHole.

“This is creating something bigger than just music, something more beautiful, a community of humans so drugged up and aloof that they’re proud of listening to EDM in a toilet,” continued the representative putting the finishing touches on her flower crown.

The christening of the tent will be done by none other than DJ Flabongo, known for wearing a microwave on his head that spins and bakes white dog turds as his sets progress.