Beverly Hills, CA-The famed reality television star, known primarily for euthanizing original thought and eliminating the country’s desire to collectively wipe their own ass, on Bravo’s hit show The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, has graciously given her first born daughter to a pack of wandering alpacas who had tragically lost their own daughter last month.
Delilah Belle Hamlin will be handed over to the San Diego Zoo this Wednesday where she will be slowly introduced to the alpaca family she’ll be spending the rest of her life with. “Alpaca’s can be very territorial and quite food possessive, but this staff is committed to working tirelessly until she is an accepted member of the Alpaca community,” said one of the zookeepers, adjusting his tranquilizer gun from afar as the two parties participated in a round of weary introductions.
The Alpaca family had lost its original daughter after a snowmobile stunt went horribly awry during the filming of We Bought a Zoo starring Matt Damon. Much like the American public, the loss of such a beloved alpaca greatly affected Rinna. More so than all-consuming gender and racial inequality, worldwide hunger and the impending destruction of us all by a lunatic president, righting the wrongful death of Suzy the alpaca took precedence and replacing it with a human reality star was virtually the only thing left to do. With the added benefit of maintining relevance for another 5 minutes in the age of endless consumption.
Tune in next week for the premiere of the new reality television series “The Daughters of San Diego Zoo,” and witness the trials, tribulations and ultimately heartwarming story of a girl being raised by alpacas.