Son gives mom the four paragraph Instagram tribute she always wanted for Mother’s Day

Elmhurst, IL-Expressing gratitude for a lifetime of personal sacrifice and unwavering love is often manifested in the form of a cotton candy scented Yankee Candle. But this year one man living in a piece of shit Chicago suburb had other plans for Mother’s Day. Something unique, timeless and able to garner over twenty valuable likes on a given social media platform.

“Posted a pic of her on Instagram WITH a black and white filter,” said Phillip Biggins, with a look of excruciating contentment on his placid face. “I also did 500 words on how she made me the man I am today and how fucking sweet my life is right now. The only thing she has ever wanted in life is validation on a curated social media account in the form of likes from friends that have never met her,” continued Biggins scrolling through a swarm of completely identical Mother’s Day tributes.

When asked, Biggin’s mom confirmed she hadn’t seen the post, didn’t know what a post was, didn’t have an Instagram account and wasn’t aware what Instagram was or why she was being interviewed by a largely unknown surrealist culture blog in the first place.

“Oh yeah…did I mention the hand lotion from Bath & Body Works and the $20 Talbots gift card? #bestsonever #winningatlife #dadsandgrads” concluded Biggins huffing on his finger nails and polishing them against his popped collar, extra medium, Hollister shirt.

Fart appears to go Super Saiyan in steamy shower

A seemingly benign eye stinger in any other environment has leveled up into a truly substantial foe within the confines of a piping hot shower. Feeding off of the heat and using the steam as an energy source, the fart transcended into one of the most upsetting stenches in recent memory. Like a true Saiyan the aroma morphed several times from rotten eggs to microwaved garbage before evolving into its perfect form; a neglected petting zoo at a county fair in Hammond Indiana.

Born out of pure hatred the stink somehow smelled nothing like anything that was consumed in the last several days. A completely alien smell with a propensity for complete and utter annihilation. No nostril is safe from the wrath of the newly born Super Saiyan and the lingering effects of the Super Spirit Bomb it just dropped will haunt every crevice of the bathroom for weeks.

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