Incredible: this couple’s elaborate gender reveal didn’t go viral

Chicago, IL-In an effort to have something deeply personal and otherwise meaningless to anyone outside of family and friends go viral, a Chicago man hired the famed, wholly unobjectionable, Blue Man Group, to perform at the gender reveal party he was having.

“I had to do something special, something that a ton of strangers would eventually see and possibly even show other strangers! That’s something both the wife and I agreed upon as a huge factor in getting pregnant,” said Terry Kibby, watching in awe as the Blue Man Group used a Yankee Candle to play a drum set made out of uncooked ground beef.

As the Blue Man Group continued to play, Kibby grew unsure of his decision fearing that by hiring the group, it limited the gender potential of the baby. The Blue Man Group would never show up pink, they had signed their souls to the reptilian shapeshifting elite after all. And though the asinine spectacle was as indulgent and self-gratifying as he could possibly hope for, he mourned that the baby growing within his wife would not be able to decide its gender through an exploding baseball like other reveals.

Just as this sentiment sank in, he heard a whir behind him, he glanced back just in time to see his wife wielding a sock full of quarters, as the sock made contact with his skull, a plume of pink mist sprayed into the air. Guests remained uncertain if it was blood or chalk, but they cheered knowing that the baby was either a boy or girl or neither.

In time he would get to experience more happiness than his heart could hold, his very own viral moment. Something he would lord over his resentful son for the rest of his life.

“Having this little bastard was totally worth,” said Kibby, watching the likes, favorites and retweets amass.