Lifetime channel presents: Married at First Glory Hole

Hobart, Indiana-Lifetime channel has been answering the questions that absolutely no one is asking about for the last decade. Questions like: Will someone desperate enough for marginal reality television fame go through with an inconsequential wedding with someone they’ve never seen before? and Where is the brink of human loneliness? Everyone assumed that Married at First Sight answered these, but apparently the human condition is far more depraved than originally anticipated.

Married at First Glory Hole is a new Lifetime original series which documents two complete strangers whose only interactions occur through a glory hole carved into a bathroom at a Long John Silvers in Northern Indiana. Over 14 weeks the two will navigate the complicated and death defying dance that people experience when flirting with the idea of putting their junk through a crudely fashioned glory hole.

Lifetime will provide glory hole experts to help the perspective couple along the way, with counseling sessions and advice to boot. In the final episode, if true love exists, there is the option to stick your finger through the hole and receive an engagement ring from the other party and a bathroom attendant will marry them on the spot.

Will it be a finger through the hole in the end or something else? Could a bathroom in Northern Indiana be the perfect place to meet and date someone? Find out on Married at First Glory Hole, premiering next week after reruns of Did I Shard Myself?


Bravo gives reality show stars “gasoline buffet”

The popular television network Bravo has finally answered the question that’s held the entire country hostage for the better part of a decade. “How do you create a cultureless vacuum that liquefies brains and bludgeons intellects?” The answer is simple, gasoline. “It’s pretty much a whole lot of good ole fashioned unleaded, though there is a diesel option.” said a grinning Hamilton Cage, representative at Bravo.  “Before all of our shows, we provide a beautiful gasoline buffet for all of our finest stars to sniff,” he continued giddily, barely able to contain his elation.

There’s been speculation that this is the case, as the cast of Vanderpump Rules is often caught drooling while incoherently arguing about who is more hungover. Gasoline is widely known as a PED for reality show stars.

But gasoline isn’t the only thing driving the network’s success. It also takes carefully selected vapid, attention whoring, moral dregs that are more than willing to aimlessly bicker for hours on end. Any personal beliefs should be abandoned if it means an extra morsel of attention. Ideally individuals selected for their own show are as sharp as a marble, and should be only vaguely aware that other people exist on this planet. “When you get someone like that, you need to give them what they need to succeed…and what they need is gasoline. For a show to be successful it should be a mushy, reheated turd regurgitated into the eyes of the consumer.” said Cage patriotically, over a steady plopping sound in a bathroom stall on the Bravo campus.

As popularity grows so will the gasoline spread.