CBS launches Younger Sheldon starring Ryan Seacrest

Hollywood, CA-CBS has noticed the collective swollen jaw of content consumers hanging slack and dribbling the lukewarm tapioca they’ve been fattened with their entire lives. In an effort to scoop up the half chewed pudding and shove it back into their lifeless cram hole, CBS has created a series of inception spin offs, the most recent offering is called Younger Sheldon.

Younger Sheldon documents the life of Sheldon Cooper when he was even younger than Young Sheldon, because there is nothing more hilarious than a show completely reliant on the age of its characters.

Younger Sheldon, played by Chicago Kardashian-West and voiced by Ryan Seacrest, documents the trials and tribulations of being an insufferable jerk at only several weeks old as two grown adults document every single dump you’ve ever taken on all social media outlets.

Watch as Ryan Seacrest huffs nitrous balloons and makes baby noises that are poorly dubbed over the completely motionless mouth of Kardashian-West!

Hearts will be warmed when a homeless man sacrifices his life to save Sheldon after his parents accidentally left him in the gorilla pen at the zoo! And laughs will be had after Sheldon’s dad takes a massive shit on the living room floor after drinking an entire 5th of Jim Beam and blames it on baby Sheldon!

Tune in Wednesday’s at 4:30 a.m. after reruns of Will My Junk Fit? One man’s journey across the world to see where and what he can cram his junk into.

CBS’s newest original overindulgent, white American comedy: Matt and Mallory

The executives at CBS have quickly determined that they are losing the pulse of America with Mike and Molly and have agreed the show needs an overhaul to be more relatable to the general public. The spinoff Matt and Mallory (starring celebrity chef Guy Fieri in his first ever comedy series) will focus on the neighbors of Mike and Molly who are not only battling with their weight, but also their all-consuming bigotry.

This light hearted romp for the whole family will have episodes that primarily revolve around dwindling race relations and the depressing reality of widespread intolerance that can go blatantly unnoticed. Watch as Matt and Mallory hilariously feed each other’s paranoia and backwards ideologies until they’re an insufferable burden on absolutely everyone they know…including themselves! All the while accruing insurmountable credit card debt and setting the foundation for an ugly divorce. ZOING!

Memorable episodes include Matt accidentally getting stuck in a voting booth after slipping on a mayo soaked patty that fell out of his Wendy’s order. Matt spends the episode writhing in pain from a blown ankle as he slowly climbs the voting machine. Will he make it in time to cast a vote for his favorite candidate Donald Trump?! Hilarious! Or when Mallory makes careless, uninformed generalizations about entire cultures at a PTA meeting…right before ripping a big fart! OOPS! Arghoooga!

You’ll laugh, you’ll scream, you’ll cry…well mainly cry. So tune in now to the show that critics are calling “A completely terrifying look at the rapid decay of humanity,” “Vomit inducing on every level,” and “We desperately need something to change,”  Sundays at 4:00 a.m. immediately following Life According to Jim.

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CBS newest original comedy 2 Broke Guys

CBS’s newest, absolutely never been done before, groundbreaking comedy is called 2 Broke Guys. The series chronicles two guys that come from different circumstances but are now hopelessly and comically impoverished. Matt Reynolds (Jason Biggs) and Terry Lopito (Frankie Muniz) work at a small town diner where they experience varying forms of hilarious harassment and perplexing workplace inequality. But they’ll stomach it all for the opportunity to pursue their dreams of opening up their very own Dave and Buster’s franchise.

On the road to realizing their lifelong dream there are friends made and lost, tragic family deaths, and zany schemes that could result in lengthy prison sentences! Comedy for any age and any walk of life! One episode involves Reynolds walking in on Lopito while he’s beating his meat, the hilarious awkwardness and complete debilitating vulnerability will be the talk of the office on Monday! Another episode documents Lopito struggling with the idea that he might be sterile and that his existence will be promptly forgotten after a sparsley attended funeral. Comedic genius! To cheer him up Reynolds farts in a patron’s clam chowder at the diner, causing the patron to pass out so they can steal tickets to an Alien Ant Farm cover band concert. Just two wacky dudes having fun on a budget!

Critics are calling the show “As  objectifying as 2 Broke Girls,” “Strangely depressing for a comedy” and “A huge step back for humanity as a whole,” so check out 2 Broke Guys on Sundays at 2:00 a.m.

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