Chicago, IL-An area man proved just how cool he perceived himself to be by posting a boomerang of him doing something that has been marketed as cool by the site Trip Advisor, a canon of sorts for the hordes of Life Is Good acolytes in search of a lukewarm adventure that could perhaps turn their spiraling life around. The boomerang has since compiled 11 views.
“Sorry for partying,” said Grayson Tipton-Murry, regarding the experience of sitting in an air conditioned, highly regulated environment, hurling dull axes at soiled pieces of cardboard. Him and his goddamn loser friends exchanging knowing glances that this is how our ancestors must have felt. Dangerous. Alive. Proud. Boastful. Instagram worthy. Filters. Influencers.
The boomerang itself adds more girth to the posturing shit log that won’t seem to finally die and mercifully go down the toilet. The constant competition of expelling enough goddamn waste to exist as a unique smear on the log before being engulfed and forgotten.
So have a Bud Light and boomerang the shit out of yourself axe throwing today.
Myrtle Beach, South Carolina-After decades of painstakingly seeking the cradle of Mexican inspired American-tourist forward cuisine, Celebrity Chef Rick Bayless has finally unearthed the mossy keystone from which everything was born. Following several days of grueling travel to reach a remote fishing village known as “Myrtle Beach,” Bayless set forth to uncover the mysteries that had lay dormant in the city’s underbelly since the beginning of time.
In particular, a quaint beachside bungalow known by locals as Señor Frog’s became an object of fascination for Bayless. Señor Frog was originally a name given to a beloved goat who regularly graced the bar that kind of looked like a frog if you were drunk enough, he was immortalized in the bar name after being decapitated in a gruesome Jet Ski accident.
Bayless spent countless nights there, submerging himself to the point of madness, as wet t-shirt contests were held, lava lamps were butt chugged and free beer koozies were given to people who agreed to be kicked in the nuts by Dog the Bounty Hunter impersonator. This was culture. This was heaven.
“Farm to table nitrous balloons, hand crafted Red Bull Vodkas rimmed with organic Stacker 2 energy pills, 60/40 ground chuck blend shaped into a fist, and a VR gravity bong experience, will all be available at my new restaurant Donkey Dick’s Bar & Grill,” said Bayless furiously scribing pre-emptive Trip Advisor reviews.
The bar will cater to people who want to appear interesting and adventurous but are actually quite dull. Wading through a cultureless abyss of Michelob Ultra buckets and acid fueled three legged races.
Chicago, IL-Bottled Blonde in River North is embracing the backlash experienced after the bar’s questionable dress code was leaked like a steady flow of asparagus piss down a pair of pleated khakis. The dress code, which banned things like Jordan brand shoes, sagging pants, bright clothing and other discriminatory items, has been celebrated by management, as they begin a transition to the new bar, owned by Last Man Standing’s Tim Allen, known as Blondes & Bigots Bar & Grill.
“A bigot is a type of super elegant French pastry,” said bar general manager Chase Wiley installing a new confederate flag glory hole in the bathroom. “The & is self explanatory, any restaurant worth a damn has a & in the name, but while we wanted to stay extremely classy, we also wanted to relive the glory days of segregation and give people hope that some day the South could rise again,” continued Wiley hanging a massive signed picture of Michael Richards.
Blondes & Bigots Bar & Grill is being pitched as a cozy speak easy where racists can gather without fear of judgement. With a cocktail program that includes something called David Duke On the Beach and more traditional horrible drinks like Vodka Mudslides, the restaurant and its piece of shit owners should go belly up in less than 24 hours, to be mercifully replaced by another Rainforest Cafe.
Rotten Tomatoes: 85%
Drinking Buddies makes a truly inspired attempt at dethroning Couples Retreat as the worst movie ever created in Chicago. There’s a gorgeous spread of insufferable moments, dialogue and characters that grate, plod and flounder through what seemed to be an eternity in a mundane existence in Chicago.
Several hipster alcoholics exchange what they believe to be quirky one liners and hopelessly flirt with one another. The movie had summer blockbuster written all over it, they should have hired Michael Bay to direct this thing. They really should have. Somehow billed as a comedy I laughed more times watching JAG reruns. Each character is more loathsome than the next, all vying for most annoying Chicago stereotype. The raspy voiced bro-ey party girl that’s just one of the guys. The moody, self gratifying bearded hipster with a Chicago flag tattoo and Old Style trucker hat. Their all there and all severely annoying. It’s a real treat to watch people I actively avoid. Give me a Jimmy Eat World cover band and a bucket of Reds Apple Ale at the lowly Cubby Bear over taking a Malort shot with these dicks. I hate watching actors act drunk it’s as though none of them have ever taken a bottle of Parrot Bay directly to the dome. Someone needs to master the thousand mile vacant stare STAT. I also don’t buy for a minute Olivia Wilde or the guy from office space were drinking Revolution beers, those were almost certainly Miller 64’s.
The portrayal of the hangover itself is vexing. It’s not a hard message to get across. It involves laying on a couch and pinching off eye stingers until you can muster up enough strength to get Chipotle, which generally compounds the war being waged in your stomach and skull. In Drinking Buddies the hangovers are at worst a chipper tickle fight, and they pass in an instant. Not the grueling war of attrition that happens in real life.
One salvageable moment was the accuracy of frustration experienced while moving to a new apartment in Chicago. It was captured perfectly and I found it agreeable watching a meandering doofus take a nail to the hand. I also enjoy drinking Revolution beer which happens to be in the movie. Other than that it’s an unsalvageable pile. Pauly Shore showed a greater character arch in Jury Duty than any of the ones found here. It could not be more uninteresting.