Heartbreaking: High importance email promptly ignored

Chicago, IL-A high importance email sent Monday at 4:45 p.m. was promptly ignored by everyone sent, cc’d and bcc’d on the communication. Like most high importance emails, which generally emphasize someone’s incompetence, lack of preparedness and inability to wipe their own ass, this one contained an extensive who’s who of indistinguishable business jargon and impossible deadlines.

The sender of the email beamed with the overwhelming pride of someone who has spent an eternity meddling in lower-middle management as they baptized the email with a high importance designation before casting the divine order it into oblivion.

The the red exclamation point accompanying the email would surely instill a sense of hope and ownership in the recipients who would soon be burdened with salvaging the rotting flesh dripping from the Times New Roman serif. Wouldn’t it? No.

In a cruel albeit oddly predictable twist of fate, the email was promptly disregarded. The exclamation point functioned like a rusted anchor, dragging it to the bottom of the bloated inbox, submerging it in the depths of purposeful neglect.

Never send a high importance email.

Networking event considered success after attendee compiles stack of business cards she’ll never look at again

Toiling the night away in flurry of purposeless conversations with other alleged young professionals who may or may not be in a loosely related industry is an invaluable way to spend a Wednesday night. Last Wednesday was no exception for Kelly Barrett who dutifully attended the bi-weekly Modern Marketing Disruptive Paradigm Shifters mashup. “It’s one of those bi-weekly marketing networking events that come around once, maybe twice in an entire lifetime,” reminisced Barrett looking longingly at a stack of collected business cards that will inevitably remain untouched on her desk until they are used to soak up a coffee spill several months from now.

“At events like these you create a truly special bond with people, so much so that in 2 weeks you can direct message them on LinkedIn and inquire if their company is hiring and if they could refer you…so very special,” continued Barrett wistfully scrolling through the digital toilet that is her LinkedIn connections feed…filled with a fresh pile of steaming adds.

Getting pegged in the face with business cards from packs of bloodthirsty consultants, chatting about impossibly high level marketing strategies that no one has the resources or wherewithal to execute and obediently nodding as people aggressively position themselves as game-changing, scalable solutions are additional benefits found at the popular bi-weekly mashup.

As long as the imaginary correlation between networking and professional development exists, bi-weekly mashups will contine to be a consuming abyss for precious lost time that could have otherwise been spent with friends or family.