Chicago, IL-The collective population of Chicago has reached a milestone 5th year of never feeling anything over “alright” in regards to physical or mental health. Whether in the process of getting a cold, having a cold, recovering from a cold, hungover, Sunday scaries, crippling boredom, seasonal affective disorder or allergies, residents are generally believed to be running at about 40% capacity.
Given the lengthy duration of feeling vaguely like complete butthole on any given day, the cause often becomes blurred and indistinguishable as the varying illnesses seamlessly transition. For instance someone huddled in a dirty quilt at your workplace hurling into a wastepaper basket may claim it’s just a high pollen day even though it’s mid-February and airborne allergens don’t generally cause the evacuation of your insides into a soiled pair of khaki pants.
Mild sniffles evolve into god splitting headaches and alcohol fueled bubble guts as weekday transitions to weekend and lingering hangovers grow harder to shake with each passing year. Allergies become the flu, which somehow becomes an existential crisis on a Wednesday in February, as it grows more impossible to determine which ailments are associated to their respective causes.
The city hopes that by increasing taxes, eliminating schools and bringing back the Chi Town Rising New Year’s Eve Extravaganza featuring a Fat Joe impersonator, that it can remedy the woes felt by its residents.
John Barleycorn-Is that a cool spring breeze tumbling across a dewy field, as the sun bathes the ancient walls of a majestic castle? No, but a complete stranger blowing in your face immediately after a Rumple Minze shot is similar enough. Settle into this cozy little slice of Ireland with traditional Irish fare such as; Buffalo Chicken Wraps and buckets of Michelob Ultra, just like what Ma and Pa serve across the pond. Because the bar is always charmingly full, you and your date will be forced to interact nose to nose and because it’s unbearably loud, well you’ll be screaming sweet nothings in each other’s bleeding ears all night. So May the road rise up to meet you. So, may the wind always be at your back. May the sun shine warm upon your face, and rains fall soft upon your fields. And until we meet again, GET BLACK OUT DRUNK ON BOGO VEGAS BOMBS!!!!! (Que Drake air horn noise)
Sluggers Bar & Grill- Chocolate. Flowers. Professional style batting cages. These are the ingredients needed for a perfectly romantic first date. Imagine snuggling up as an unpredictable pitching machine launches 90 MPH fastball right at your head. The laughs and flirting that occur moments after your life passes before your eyes are memories that you’ll share forever! After you’ve gotten a very noticeable first date sweat going, allow your heart to melt along with your feet as you traverse the pleasantly sticky floors and adoringly dance the night away to some smooth and silky music from local jazz favorite Pitbull. The 10 guys swarming you, furiously grinding and spilling drinks are the perfect mood setter for whatever happens next ;). Is that a $6 Coors Light resealable can in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
Deuces & Diamonds-Can you ever go wrong with bottle service AND a wading pool? Treat your date to the ultimate illusion of classiness as you wade around in a tiny pool filled to the brim with the piss of absolutely anyone on Clark Street that day. After you dry off, or don’t, you can feverishly make out on one of the sweaty, faux leather couches. Just make sure you’re both wearing Fox Racing gear and you’ll blend right in! If you’re lucky, maybe your date will get pulled up for the weekly Fireball bikini contest! This little lap of luxury will be our little secret.
Trace-The essence of Nickelback has been the foundation of countless successful first dates and because it’s buried deep in the heart of a quiet, discreet part of town you’ll be able to sip buckets of domestic beer ever so intimately.
Duffy’s Tavern-An amiable little dive bar with no shortage of personality. Romantic lighting that’s bordering on consuming darkness transforms even the most hideous gremlin into prince charming. Prepare yourself for an enchanted deep fryer that will always keep you guessing…is that a chicken tender or fried ostrich feathers? Nothing keeps things exciting like a little spontaneity and with a $20 all you can drink deal well you’ll be spontaneously hurling into a potted plant in no time!