Rockford, IL-On Tuesday, a man staring longingly into the microwave during his allotted 25 minute lunchbreak, which was taken dutifully at his desk, began wondering whether or not he could fit his head into the microwave and if it would take more or less time to cook than his low-fat glazed turkey tenderloin Lean Cuisine.
Two minutes and thirty seconds was sufficient to reanimate the glacier like fragments of abused turkey meat, flanked by a first harvest vegetable medley, which was comparable in virility to the sagging face and balding head of the employee, but the presence of bones could provide difficulty for the decade old office microwave.
Just as the prospect began to seem feasible and, alarmingly enough, more pleasant than a return to his desk, the microwave rang…signifying that, the cardboard nutrition that would fuel him through another day of baseless meetings and vague incompetencies, was ready for consumption.
Chicago, IL- After another exhausting year, wrestling with insignificance in the butthole of corporate America, staffers sat at an annual five hour long post mortem meeting to dissect other post mortems that may or may not have occurred throughout the year. Goals that had been made and missed or never existed at all. Accolades being given to apparitions that appeared only once a project was complete. Proclamations on improvements to processes that are universally disregarded.
Four and a half hours of platitudes later, the morale of the room had inexplicably dropped. It couldn’t have been the content. It was never the content. One astute manager took notice and recalled something he had read in a management textbook from his class favorite class at University of Phoenix “Perceived intelligence: Doing a job you are unqualified for”. The book read: Employees often times require affirmation, whether verbal or reward based.
A sympathetic glimmer manifested in his eye, a compassionate grin on his lips. How could he have forgotten, Christmas was right around the corner and there had been no mention of any holiday bonus. “I know what some of you are probably thinking,” he said eyeing the room in gleeful anticipation “You’ve all worked very hard this year, and as a token of our gratitude,” several sets of hopeful eyes now rested on him, his strategy was working, “I’ll go ahead and stop the meeting now…give you a half hour of your day back…you guys deserve it,” he concluded, nodding slowly.
One employee threw up violently on the table and they exited in relative silence, a Christmas treat they wouldn’t soon forget.
Chicago, IL-On Tuesday, a tear dripped stoically down a manager’s worn cheeks, across a tranquil smile and onto the mahogany desk below. The sight of a group of coworkers tolerating each other at a mandatory birthday celebration proved overwhelming. The manager looked on in awe and reflected on the glorious culture. The faceless coworkers exchanged dull pleasantries while internally scheming the inevitable retreat to their respective desks. One coworker suggested “The weather has been nice today,” another replied “It seems cooler than usual,” to which they both agreed that there was in fact weather and that it sometimes changed.
The manager looked at how much they had grown as a testament to her leadership, growing from complete strangers into peers forced to endure each other on a daily basis. A sturdy bond, forged in the eternal flames of corporate America, bound by passive aggressive emails and incompetence. The transformation was incredible and substantiated the emotional onslaught in the barren office.
Two men stood, vacantly grinning, discussing a sporting event that neither had watched nor had any interest in. One employee asked if his voice sounded different in the morning versus the afternoon, no one could be certain or cared enough to reply. This was the mecca of growth and innovation.
Another tear dripped gently from the manager’s eye, she returned quietly to her desk and in time so did the rest of the coworkers. They always returned to their desk.
Bridgeport, Illinois-There was no telling what was going to happen when the words left his mouth, a social risk unlike any other. A conversation starter that Phillip Biggins had been dialing up for weeks. Diligently honing and perfecting several scripted sentences for that very occasion. A hot take that was both edgy and imaginative would be the perfect way for him to create a lasting impression on anyone he met that day. His own triumph of inspiration that would be celebrated perhaps more than the union itself.
The ultimate leap of faith finally happened just after the ceremony as Biggins approached a group of congregating wedding guests. “Beautiful out,” he suggested with a knowing grin “Couldn’t have asked for a better day for it, I’ll tell yah!” he continued looking proudly out over the rain soaked asphalt.
Several members of the group agreed adding “Really is one for the ages, but what about the ceremony? Gorgeous service! I’d sit through a ceremony like that again!” They all nodded in silent agreement. After several seconds of excruciating silence Biggins suggested “And how bout the bride? Certainly a beautiful bride, really did look nice, and parents looked really happy as well,” As the suffocating dullness of the interaction set in, Biggins gave one last satisfying nod before departing.
The entire exchange occurred, perhaps predictably, without incident. It quickly neutralized any glimmer of personality while also ensuring there was a vague interest in the wedding itself. The risk had paid off and would certainly be used to generate conversation at weddings for years to come.
Job interviews can be SO confusing. Other than obvious social ques, measurable cordiality and overall ease of conversation, there’s never any real way to determine what the person interviewing you is thinking. There’s a chance that a nugget of pure unbridled hatred is lying just beneath that shit eating grin. That maybe you won’t get to work in a nebulous role, churning out garbage that functions as a slight annoyance to everyone else in the department and a greater burden to humanity as a whole.
There’s a chance that you won’t even get the opportunity to grind away the prime years of your life buried in a sterile cubicle, threatening to pursue you’re dreams before quietly subduing them once more. Why take that chance!? The one thing every job interview is missing in the presence of a natural male enhancement energy drink. Use the steps below to land your dream job in minutes!
- Abruptly announce in the middle of the interview that you are both thirsty, tired and lacking
- Politely decline the glass of water they offer and show preparedness by coolly sliding out a visibly room temperature Extenze natural male enhancement energy drink from your leather tote
- Slowly open the can so that every crack of the aluminum cuts like knifes through the agonizing silence, showing confidence by never breaking eye contact with the taxidermied nutria that may or may not be real behind the interviewers head
- Vocalize that the throbbing thyroid gland, tunnel vision and ear ringing you’ve been experiencing since starting the enhancement regiment are all testaments to you being able to overcome adversity
- Take a long, concentrated pull from the can to the point of noticeable discomfort, allowing some of the viscous fluid to run down your chin combining with the sweat that has already been forming
- Place the can without coaster on the desk to show ultimate transparency and a dedication to multi-tasking, getting a job while also gaining girth
- Give a lengthy, clammy departing handshake, barely moving each of your fingers
- Wait for the job offer!
A completely behind the times, technologically incapable person at the office is officially ready to get on the blower to talk through a problem that should have easily been solved with a simple email. “I saw the words Browser and URL and knew it was over my head, it’s always easiest for everyone…to just get on the phone and talk me through things step by step,” said Derek Vargas, hovering his mouse over a PDF file and growing more irritated and confused by the minute on why it won’t open. Menial tasks for most, such as opening files and browsing the internet, are painstaking voyages for Vargas. They consume the majority of his day and that consumption in turn makes the rest of the office his personal beast of technological burden.
“It takes a brave person to admit they need help and an even braver person to stand ardently in opposition to change, to remain hopelessly in the past and to be a part of as many meetings as possible.” Continued Vargas, confusedly pecking at a keyboard not currently connected to the computer.
The required phone call was an incomprehensible failure by every definition of the word as every attempt at education or explanation landed with a dull thud in the excruciating silence. “The call went well, so much easier on the phone! Total collaboration! I told them if they needed anything else from me, I’d be more than happy to sit silently on the other end of a lengthy, one-sided phone call,” said Vargas cheerily, Zappos shopping cart brimming over.
The rest of the office remains confused by his presence.
A yellowing, wholly beige employee incapable of lifting his own head eased tension around the office as he confirmed the symptoms were a mere product of elevated pollen levels. “Really I should be celebrated for being…sniffffffffffffff….huh huh huh…ARGH….ARGH OH GOD…excuse me…celebrated for coming into the office even when everyone told me not to,” wheezed Gregory Phillips through a series of visibly and audibly productive nose blows, his skin appearing moist and translucent. His bloodshot eyes ripe with the confusion that accompanies any midwinter disease.
Though several people around the office witnessed him taking anguished sips from an already dwindling bottle of Nyquil and noticed an obvious inability to even stand up from his chair, Phillips remained steadfast that these are all completely common symptoms of airborne allergens. “I’m not sick…I’m really not…every symptom can be tied back to allergies, take for instance the…harghhkkkkkk ARHUG…painful white clusters in my throat, clearly just bee pollen from me sticking my head out the bus window on the way in,” continued Phillips casually touching every available surface in the office while huddled in a stinky old quilt.
In a week the entire office will be forced to endure the same suspicious allergy symptoms that inexplicably last 1-2 weeks before subsiding. All the while despising Gregory Phillips.
A trendy little boutique startup has created a game-changing device that could disrupt the way you work forever, or at least until the next trend comes around and renders it obsolete. Though promoting an active work environment has been all the rage, experts have found that moving around at work actually greatly decreases efficiency. Employees are at their best when sitting completely motionless at their desk in a state of mild paralysis. To achieve such a daunting feat the startup iStationary created the device DeskBuddy that has an accompanying app.
DeskBuddy is 900 lb. squat rack that each employee is strapped into with a complex set of hooks and harnesses at the start of every day. The locking system makes it virtually impossible to detach from DeskBuddy until 5:00 p.m. Though employees are still encouraged to move around at will, they do inherit the risk of severe long term injury from the impossibly heavy squat bar. And with the interactive app, employees can monitor just how long they’ve been completely immobile and have friendly competitions with coworkers for who has remained motionless the longest…can anyone say team building?
The DeskBuddy will expedite the transition from semi-active employee to humanoid blob responsible only for creating and distributing physical and digital waste. Be prepared for the device to rise in popularity for several weeks before being made extinct by the next ineffective office trend, cast into a neglected corporate graveyard next to the rotting corpse of the open office floor plan.
One employee toiling in a nebulous digital role has gone through painstaking measures to ensure that the entire office is fully aware that he’s far more productive when working from home. “Look sometimes I just can’t handle the distractions of an office…like a reliable internet connection, being fully clothed, or having accountability with my boss…just too damn distracting,” said Tyler Schmatz complacently, sitting in a pair of soiled sweatpants and spaghetti stained undershirt, furiously blazing through another season of House of Cards.
Though the office is grossly indifferent to Schmatz’s existence as a whole, he finds it necessary to make this the focal point of any conversation held within the dull confines of the office. “Frankly, I’m uncertain what he does here, whatever it is though…he definitely may or may not be able to do it from home,” said one coworker. Others agreed that it seemed entirely possible he could do his job in some capacity from home. “Yeah unlike some people who work from home, I work with 100% efficiency, like I said it’s really the only place I can focus and actually get some work done,” continued Schmatz, casually washing down a Molly with four fingers of lukewarm well gin as a Batman vs. Superman torrent finishes.
As long as Tyler continues to work from home, the office will remain vaguely uninterested in his production.
There’s a certain expectation of monotony in a corporate bathroom. An orderliness in behavior that affords us the luxury of letting our guard down. It can be reasonably ascertained for instance that the urinals will be used exclusively for urine and the sink counter will not be used to fulfill any regrettable carnal yearnings. The facilities are generally well maintained, there’s a notable absence of the pesky bathroom attendant threatening to soak you in Drakkar Noir and the company is determinedly mild-mannered. That being said in rare, momentary lapses the corporate bathroom can breed traumatic experiences that will haunt for an eternity.
I entered the office bathroom as aloof as any other day, noting the violently taupe walls and subtle smell of sulfur. I paused immediately after entering and took a moment to cherish the ordinariness of it all, a perfectly crafted environment for no one and everyone. I continued walking in allowing my admiration of the stale, lifeless surroundings to fully consume my attention, but as I passed the wall separating this peculiar albeit pleasant world from the terrors outside, I noticed something that didn’t belong. Or perhaps someone.
In the middle of the two sinks that inhabit the majority of the counter stood a man, gazing deeply and satisfyingly into the mirror. He appeared to be inexplicably wearing a pair of carpenter flare jeans that had a light wash and seemed like they shouldn’t be worn anywhere, let alone work. Tucked snuggly into the pants was disproportionately small button up shirt, which only functioned to make the flared jeans appear even more like JNCO’s. Though I objected to the workplace garb, this wasn’t the most upsetting part of the experience.
I promptly relieved myself, returning to the sink only to find the dimwit looking as smug as ever only now he appeared to have washed his hands and was standing between the two paper towel dispensers that were approximately a full wingspan apart. Instead of using a singular dispenser like anyone with a sliver of self-awareness would, he stood as though on a crucifix collecting paper towels simultaneously in both hands. I stood behind him waiting for the ceremony to end, watching his face go from smug to pure triumph. The chosen one for this bathroom, a new born king, a corporate deity.
Our eyes never wavered in what seemed like an eternity, figuring out how to circumvent the outstretched arms of the self-proclaimed bathroom god. I looked on with a mixture of curiosity and disdain instead of the admiration he sought, I finally decided to nudge through and as I did I heard an audible scoff followed by a sneer in the mirror. He crumpled the massive wad of collected towels and blatantly missed the waist bin and he stormed out. I see him around every now and again and he appears as ordinary as ever, but in that bathroom he reigns supreme for he gets two towels at the same time. The rest of us sniveling cowards could only dream of it.