Area man wearing Canada Goose jacket on train likely going home to cry himself asleep

Chicago, IL-The sniveling, cherub faced fucking muppet wandering aimlessly around the train like a new born lamb, wrapped in his luxury Canada Goose parka, is undoubtedly on his way home to cry himself to sleep. His beady eyes and quivering lips, barely visible through the luxurious fur lining the oversized hood, reek of the type of despondency pacified only by the purchase of a luxury item.

Absolutely every feature and accessory is curated to appear spineless, a thousand lifetimes void of hardship or adversity. He’s not suited for the cold, or anything for that matter.

He rides the train with an air of contentment, periodically glancing up from his tablet sized phone to ensure that his leather messenger bag is positioned in a way that makes him look like a world traveler but also someone who burns the midnight oil at a well-known agency. He adjusts the laces on his chukka boots and perfectly tailored selvedge denim jeans.

Featureless and completely forgettable, docile, compliant, his possessions function as a personality of sorts. Perceived intrigue in an otherwise wholly uninteresting existence, he waits patiently for the moment he can return to his apartment, bury his doughy face in his pillow and weep until exhaustion sets in and he falls asleep.

Man waiting obediently by CTA doors like a very good boy

Chicago, IL-On Tuesday, a man was seen standing obediently in the exit aisle of a CTA car like a stupid fucking hound waiting for an owner that would never return home. Outgoing passengers wrestled with the heaving mound of flesh before being birthed to freedom and glancing back in anger at the person gazing lifelessly into their iPhone, but the inconvenience of other passengers was of no concern to this very good boy who waited patiently by the door…stop after stop.

“Nothing will make you feel more alive than the stale air of a train platform hitting your face as the doors open, nor the feel of someone struggling against you to get off the train before the doors close, and most importantly, the happiness of your owner as you greet him at the door after a long day,” said Terry Naquin, visibly a human but somehow inheriting the intelligence and demeanor of a goddamn inbred dog.

With nothing better to do in life than perpetually riding a train, waiting to deliver a pair of slippers and a newspaper to a fictitious owner, this loyal old mutt will ruin train rides daily until he’s finally shipped off to “live happily ever after on a farm” somewhere.

Man enjoying leisurely cruise on escalator during frenzied rush hour

Chicago, IL-On Tuesday, an area man eased his way onto a crowded escalator like a dying old man into the last bath he’d ever take, though unlike lying motionless and in solitude in a pool of your own filth, the escalator during rush hour can sometimes beckon mild physical activity and vague awareness of surroundings.

“When I get on that escalator, it’s ME time. I require total stillness for personal reflection in the form of listening to the Chainsmokers and consuming fucking content. If you’ve got a problem with that you can take it up with my oversized JanSport,” said Terry McDonough, inching his way down the escalator as hordes of angry commuters miss yet another departing train.

The spiritual war McDonough wages transcends merely him, an escalator, and the furious mob behind him. By not allowing people to pass by McDonough serves as a beacon of indifference and a prophet of immobility. A revolutionary that is brave enough to admit that being stationary and refreshing uninteresting social media feeds is more important than being courteous.

Guy on train wearing his backpack like a big boy!

Chicago, IL-A guy riding the CTA on Monday morning was spotted proudly wearing his big boy backpack. Originally thought to be an enormous goiter, because of his inability or refusal to place the object on the ground where it belonged, turned out to be a Jansport backpack filled to the brim with an outdated Encyclopedia Britannica edition.

“My mom wakes me up, wipes the dribble from my chin, then uses the same tissue to wipe my butt first thing in the morning, then she fireman carries me down the stairs and feeds me coco puffs, then she packs my backpack up nice and tight and lets me ride the train all day long!” said Colin Cummings, an object of hatred for everyone riding the train.

Cummings, a 35 year old strip club DJ intern of 10 years, says that wearing his enormous backpack on the train has given him the confidence he needs to DJ matinee sets at Industrial Strip in Hammond Indiana every other Tuesday. “When I wear my backpack I’m the center of attention, just like at the strip club! I see the ladies staring!” continued Cummings swaying obliviously.

Cummings existence remains an inconvenience for humanity as a whole, who can only find solace knowing that he’ll likely die alone and have a sparsely attended funeral.

Transit hero politely smiles at elderly woman before returning to Chive article

Brown Line to Kimball, Chicago-A Chicago man warmed hearts on Monday after offering a polite smile and nod to an elderly woman, who could barely stand, on a Kimball bound Brown Line train. The act of kindness happened during rush hour and was described by many as endearing and a much needed return to the golden days of chivalry. “You don’t see it a lot in this day and age. It was really sweet…he looked up with these big brown eyes and just smiled at her and nodded…and then promptly returned to reading Chive articles,” said one passenger. “It was insane he knew exactly what she needed, I’ve never seen anything like it!” said another fighting back tears.

The train rumbled forward in traditional erratic fashion, causing the woman to lose her footing several times, everyone looked on helplessly at the disheartening moment, some even had the courtesy to tweet about it. But no one had the courage to do what he did.

A gift to public transit or maybe humanity as a whole. A moment that no one on that train will soon forget. When asked about the occurrence, the humble hero maintained that he was just in the right place at the right time. He even alluded that if it were to happen again there’s a decent chance he’d do it all over again. Noting that the split second of looking up rendered him unable to finish the top 10 butts of the week article he was reading.

Elderly women need nothing more than a smug grin from a stranger in a fedora, on a stinking public transit car to cure what ails them.



This winter, enjoy the embrace of the eerily warm CTA seat

Last week as temperatures in Chicago plunged below 0, for the first time in my life, I surrendered myself wholly to the disturbingly warm embrace of a pre-heated CTA seat. These seats are universally avoided if possible as the nausea and general disorientation that accompany them can cause an immediate descent into madness. As your jeans melt into the seat and your legs begin perspiring, your mind begins to dwell on how a plastic seat in the middle of winter could possibly be this goddamn hot.  A horrible stench accompanies such ponderings, as the heat awakens decade old dander and body odor buried mercifully deep in the plastic fibers.

The two circumstances that could instill such a lingering heat are equally disturbing. Either someone had been passing a singular, forceful and unrelenting fart for the entirety of a prolonged CTA trip or the persons butt was eternally that hot, completely impervious to the cold. I suppose the latter is ultimately preferred though the likelihood of a rash being partially responsible for that heat brings on its own set of concerns.

As I said most times this seat is vigrously ignored…but this time…this time, the heat beckoned and I obeyed. A siren song of human filth. A plastic cocoon sheltering me from the cold, wrapping me in its unholy stink. Swaddling me in Flaming Hot Cheetos dust and another person’s abnormal body heat likely caused by rash. Stroking my cheek with an equally putrid Jansport backpack worn carelessly by another dreg standing far too close. A Coca Cola bottle full of piss rolled purposefully by, it appeared the same temperature as the seat.

Did I feel physically ill the entire morning? Yes. Did my jeans feel as though a gelatin film had accumulated? Unquestionably.  Was I warm for that 20 minute ride? Certainly.

It was unsettling and it was absolutely necessary.


Newest NBC original drama: Chicago Transit

The recent success of unremarkable Chicago based television shows like Chicago P.D. and Chicago Fire hasn’t gone unnoticed by NBC executives, and they’ve decided to push the limits of mediocrity to the brink with the newest drama, Chicago Transit. Chicago Transit follows retired train conductor Bill Biscane played by Ice-T, who is drawn back into driving Brown Line trains after an employee takes maternity leave. But what happens when he returns to the life he thought he had finally escaped? Will the incident that drove him into retirement continue to haunt him? Can his nerves hold up under the pressure of driving a moderately slow train full of customers with no expectations of punctuality? All of the questions and more are promised to be answered on Chicago Transit.

“We saw an opportunity to capitalize on the gritty life experienced by employees of the Chicago Transit Authority, the show practically writes itself” said NBC executive Steve Martucci.

Episodes include gripping plot twists like when a Brown Line is rerouted to the Red Line tracks because of construction. Eye opening discoveries like where the Pink Line actually goes. The joys of inexplicably turning the train into an Express, seeing the disappointed faces on a packed platform and the pain that comes with driving what is effectively a human toilet. Plus, the incident that changed it all…the haunting moment in which Biscane accidentally drove a Brown Line straight to Linden.

Critics have described Chicago Transit as “Heartbreakingly ordinary,” “As frustrating as actually riding Chicago public transit” and “Completely unnecessary”. So be sure to tune in to America’s newest #1 public transit themed drama.


Passenger wearing Señor Frogs shirt confuses everyone else on train

It’s confirmed:  0 fucks given by the middle-aged man wearing a Señor Frog’s shirt on Chicago Transit. There was initial speculation that he may be commuting to work at the Margaritaville at Navy Pier, but that theory was quickly dispelled given the age-old blood rivalry between the two vastly different interpretations of beach themed entertainment.

The retirement home vibe of Margaritaville and the “butt bong a beer to win a cotton candy goat” mantra of Señor Frog’s has fueled turf wars that have brought cities like Orlando to its knees, forcing people craving themed fun to seek refuge in Universal Studios.

The man drew initial attention from other passengers because he was wearing a Señor Frog’s shirt outside of Myrtle Beach.  “Something didn’t seem right about him, he seemed too chill,” said one affected passenger “He appeared to be sipping coffee from a neon, yard long novelty glass.” Other commuters were perturbed because they ended up soaked in Coconut Parrot Bay after the man errantly sprayed at their closed mouths with a super soaker.


Given that only Señor Frogs would tolerate using a super soaker to distribute shots and wearing a pitted out shirt that says “Drink till she’s pretty,” it was assumed the slightly overweight, leather skinned man was not headed to a place of employment, but rather was  on a leisurely pursuit for a bar & grill oasis on a Wednesday morning.

Though yet again nothing can be assumed about anyone wearing a Señor Frog’s, an enduring and unforgettable notion. When asked where he was going, he responded fervently “To work at Sluggers, the baseball themed bar near Wrigley field. It has effin’ batting cages, so don’t try and tell me that’s not chill. $2 censored on the beaches and half off shotskis, it’s 5 o’clock somewhere baby!” Apparently Sluggers is evolving into a beach/baseball theme, and wearing a shirt with a drunk cartoon frog is encouraged.

He sank back into his seat, sipped his coffee and road the train like it was his own personal lazy river. We should all be wearing Señor Frogs shirts.


Top 10 Worst People on the CTA

There are certain people on the CTA that exist exclusively as a catalyst, a hastily lit match to the dwindling fuse that is your sanity. The anger is often exaggerated because in your groggy, frustrated haze it becomes impossible to determine the reason for this uninhibited hatred. I’m not talking about the dude in a wizard hat taking a dump in a can of Yankee beans while reciting his favorite quotes from Mork and Mindy. He’s his own brand of crazy. I’m talking about the people that appear like you and me…but are actually the moral dregs that are ruining this society.

All you can really tell is you’re on the verge of a patented CTA temper tantrum. That morning you were a non-confrontational southern belle, but now you’re a neon clad, hyper-tanned, shredded-up bro…and someone just started grinding on the piece of strange you were trying to land while you were going beast mode at the Mumford show at Lollapalooza. On top of that your $8 B to the L got spilled. An aggressive shoving match that never escalates into much more is really the only solution here. Just like the confrontation that’s about to happen on the CTA. Here is a run-down of those people.

10.) Person who is reading trendy book from 8-12 months ago- This person hasn’t read a book since “The Giver” in 5th grade and is really trying to get back into it. They also exclusively read books that are made into movies/TV shows. It’s time to really intellectually challenge themselves with books like “Girl With the Dragon Tattoo” or book 2 in the Game of Thrones series. Doing this is also super impressive to everyone else on the train. You’re clearly way smarter than us as we stand there drooling looking cross eyed at our iPhones. Also, absolutely no better way to pick up chicks. Chicks ALWAYS approach strange dudes and want to discuss if they’re team Edward or team Jacob.

9.) Selfie Taker- We get that your complexion couldn’t look better in that fluorescent, invasive CTA lighting, and the ole MySpace page is begging for a profile pic update but shamelessly making the mousiest/poutiest/mysteriously sexy looking face is enough to make us all gauge our eyes out. No matter the filter, that picture is maxing out at 3 likes and you know it.

8.) The Napper- On one hand I admire The Napper. It’s truly incredible that someone can fall asleep in a traveling hunk of tin filled to the absolute brim with complete and utter strangers. Being that oblivious is insane. On the other hand when the person is using your shoulder blade as their own personal snuggle post/morning breath depository the charm wears off pretty fast. It’s also tough to determine whether the person is alive or deceased at times which is unsettling.

7.) Paparazzi- Every single other person on the CTA is a potential minor celebrity ripe for stalking. That’s the only explanation for tempestuously leering at any text message/Instagram/Facebook in their near proximity. It’s comforting to know that this person is completely emotionally invested in your life. They’re your rock and confidant during that 40 minute commute regardless of you wanting or being aware of it.

6.) The music way too loud with bad headphones person- Being sandwiched between both; morons blasting Skrillex at8 a.m. and people staring longingly out the window listening to Passenger is the worst. That pair of Beats by Dre that were purchased at Big Lots isn’t helping the cause. Not a single note is actually making it to their ear drums. Don’t involve me in that Star Wars theme song as you gaze longingly out the window wondering “Who Shot First.”

5.) The door texter- There’s a 50 person log jam hanging in the balance. Passengers doing what is generally done at their desired stop…getting off the train. But wait! The finishing touches on a perfectly crafted text to the beau is also only a few characters off, might as well finish it. There’s a sliver of space by the open door that everyone can make do with. No reason to experience the slightest inconvenience. That 80 year old man definitely wanted to toss his back out doing the limbo under a Samsung Galaxy!

4.) Guy doesn’t understand personal space- The endowment estimation/perception for this person is severely distorted. It has to be for someone to spread their legs this far apart. It’s likely an over compensation for an early onset of Low-T. I get that exchanging shin denim seems like flirting to you…it isn’t.

3.) The Blowout- It’s a completely packed train that already smells like wet dog on a boiling hot rainy day in August. Even though every other person on the train is holding it, you have to cut that vicious garbage bomb loose. A strict diet of hay, Icehouse, and diseased raccoon meat. Our eyes are now scorched as bad as your ringpiece. Everyone on the train is wondering who’s insides are rotting as you stand there proudly but quietly basking in your own brand.

2.) The Immovable Object- This motionless statue that appears to have somehow stuffed a mini-fridge into it’s Jansport backpack. Confirming that a backpack can in fact have right angles. It’s dictating the position of everyone else on the train. The refusal to put this thing down makes me think its a fashionable camouflage for your hunchback (which is resting inside the backpack itself.) Trying to get off the train? Be prepared to get into a fist fight with whatever the hell is in that backpack. If placed on the ground an additional 8 people could stand comfortably. But statues don’t give a shit.

1.) My bag deserves a seat too person- It’s uncertain if there is any situation at all that would warrant giving your bag a seat on the CTA. Maybe these people are carrying around their great great grandmother’s ashes in a super delicate thin glass urn. Maybe they have a rare breed of Mongolian chinchilla with unnaturally sensitive paws, that when placed on the floor of the CTA causes it mild discomfort. It’s more likely they’re just your run of the mill self-entitled bane of human existence. This person is a beacon for the decline of human society and is undoubtedly listening to Pitbull as we speak.

Ventra Player of the Month

Mike Dunleavy Named Ventra’s Player of the Month

Announced this morning, the Chicago Transit Authority has named Chicago Bulls back-up point guard Mike Dunleavy its Ventra Player of the Month for December 2013. This marginally esteemed honor is awarded to the sub-par NBA player who maintains a general ineptitude but functions just well enough to avoid complete abandonment.

In explaining their decision, award committee cited Dunleavy’s consistency in blown defensive assignments, inability to obtain unobstructed rebounds, general lack of awareness and yet his ability to occasionally make a much-needed three pointer and save his job.

When asked for his response to the award, a bleary-eyed Dunleavy said, “I’m surprised it’s taken this long. I mean, I’ve been aggressively mediocre since 2002.” When asked to elaborate, he referenced his already ordinary stats from this season of 7.8 pts and 1.2 assists per game, and the shoe deal he recently signed with Skechers. “I think people are going to really like them,” Dunleavy said, of the shoes. “Not only are the colors all skin-tones, but they’re mildly comfortable, too.”

As the Ventra player of the month award, Dunleavy will receive his choice of a free Ventra card or ten swift kicks to the nuts.