Guy at the gym really giving it to elliptical machine

Chicago, IL-A man wearing newly minted luxury workout gear, a visor and athletic shades was seen absolutely giving it to an elliptical machine late last Thursday. He remained on the machine for hours as onlookers stared on in horror at the flailing mass of limbs, his legs moving so quickly at times that they slipped from the idiotic looking foot holders of the elliptical, which was set at a zero resistance setting. His agonized face searching for absolutely anyone to make eye contact with. So that he could, without bothersome words, express juts how hard he was giving it to that elliptical machine.

Sweat poured down as the man performed classic elliptical tricks like stopping and going in reverse and standing on one foot while using only his arms to propel himself, all universally understood to be completely ineffective at actually burning calories. All designed to look as frisky as humanely possible.

The neon yellow tank top, oversized Beats by Dre wireless headphones and long tights underneath running shorts all contributed to the intensity of fitness illusion, as each horribly executed revolution of the elliptical inched his knee closer to a career ending blowout. As he finally climbed off the machine that he had driven into the ground for the last two and a half hours, he looked back in satisfaction, neglecting to wipe the pool of sweat that had gathered on the monitor.

58 calories burned in two and a half hours, time well spent under the fluorescent lights of an XSPORT Fitness.

Fitbit dutifully informs man he only slept for 2 hours last night

After what was assumed to be a restless night, a Fitbit erased any lingering doubt as it gleefully informed its owner he had slept a mere two hours the night before. “Yeah, I wasn’t sure how much I had slept, but thanks to the Fitbit, I can really quantify how bad my day is going to be.” said the downtrodden man as he hastily prepared for work. “I’m absolutely devastated, I can’t believe it was only two hours.” he continued hollowly.

Before the Fitbit we could really only guess how much we’d slept and then convince ourselves that it had been more than it actually was. Now with an actual hour amount we can officially calculate how intolerable the next day will be. A way to measure the magnitude of the impending doom that we are completely and utterly helpless to. This remains one of the most popular functions of the Fitbit; being made fully aware that you’ll be in PowerPoint heavy meetings all day running on fumes and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it.

“Days that the Fitbit tells me I got enough sleep but I still feel tired are almost more depressing,” said the man “It’s still a truly innovative device that everyone should own however! Knowing your sleep schedule is both insightful and healthy!”

Reporting on sleep isn’t the only feature that opens up a new and exciting world of obsessive neurosis and hyper monitoring. You’ll constantly be kept in the know about how aggressively stationary you are during the day and  you’ll be crucified for not drinking enough water. So instead of actually working out, strap on that Fitbit and nickel and dime your way to an arbitrary step goal!



Biggest Gym Blowhards

10. Diesel Weasel-Locked knees, bowed back and exploding through every exercise. This is the person who excruciatingly heaves around amounts of weight completely out of their league. Giving no thought to how many vertebrates they pulverize, knees they blow or how all of their joints will be sawdust in the next 5 years. Don’t even sweat not being able to walk the morning after a workout, that’s how you know it was a good one. “I can usually only dead lift 135, but if I lurch my back forward, snap up, rock back and forth 20 times with the weights rested on my thighs, position one wrist slightly higher than the left, stand on my tiptoes and roll my neck I can easily clear 220!” This is also the type of person to look at you like you’re the biggest pussy to ever enter a gym for not doing the same. Enjoy spending a small fortune on Aleve and smelling like ICY HOT for the rest of your stiff painful life, luckily you’ll have that one time where someone who knew nothing about weight lifting looked at you and thought you were a badass. This is the same person that will always sling shot off of the lat pull down machine.

9. PeacockThe “I don’t need a personality, I let my cloths do the talking” type of person. I would imagine their personality is highly dependent on the different quiz scores they receive on “What Harry Potter House Are You From” and “What game of Thrones Character Are You” on Facebook, they’re that fucking basic. Every garment on their body is screaming at you, bathed in neon, assaulting your senses enough to confuse you into thinking the person looks cool. No I’m not checking the Peacock out. I’m squinting and trying to shake off the flash burn being experienced from that fluorescent orange headband. Not to mention it’s really important to look great when your beet read, sweating your balls off, heaving, wheezing and wreaking like a wet dog that bathed chicken noodle soup. Stick with a boxy XXL free t-shirt and grey sweats like the rest of us.

8. Lingerer– “How many sets you got left?” “Oh…I ugh…I just started so I may be a little while…do you want to work in?” “Naw” After this conversation happens the lingerer will stand there, thumb up ass, watching you do your sets in the mirror. Hoping to catch eye contact between sets to convey the importance of them getting on that machine. As you grab a quick drink of water, you return to this pervert caressing the weights. Sure there are dozens of other exercises the Lingerer could be doing but they want yours, and you’re a selfish prick for not giving it up.

7. NipplesGyms can often times peak at an oppressive 77 degrees Fahrenheit, so a cut sleeves shirt should have holes that span roughly from the shoulder all the way to the waist, with a spaghetti noodle sized thread being the only thing keeping it from turning into a double sided cape, is totally necessary. Everyone else in the gym clearly wants to be witness to the most rock hard nipples to ever exist, and having those exposed adds an extra 10-15 lbs to a max on any given exercise. Nothing says “I mean business” more than aggressive arm holes on a high school football shirt. It’s also comforting that this string of a garment does nothing to shield the machines from rampant backne and tanning oil, thanks for that.

6. Super SoakerThese are the people who appear somehow more greased up and slimy than Razor Ramon. Wetter than Keanu Reeves in the last scene of Point Break. Every exercise machine essentially becomes a prop from Nickelodeon’s Double Dare. The incline treadmill is Splash Mountain. Nothing like leaving everything you got all over the gym for the rest of the patrons to enjoy. Detective Stabler and Benson would have an absolute field day on the DNA  these sickos pollute the gym with. Get a goddamn towel and make like the Karate Kid.


5. PooperIt’s assumed when someone attends a certain gym, there’s a proximity involved. One that would imply the person could relieve themselves in the comfort/solidarity of their own home and then commute to said gym. The Pooper is a rare exception. Their BM’s are fueled by packed to the gills locker rooms, the smell of feet, cardboard toilet paper and the steam of hot mildewy gym showers. How is someone not able to clinch up for a mere hour while working out? Or if your at risk for blowing your butt out mid-set maybe you shouldn’t be at the gym in the first place. I thought protein shakes were a known cork, turning your guts into immovable force, I guess not. The porcelain at the gym functions as the charmer coaxing the cement snake from hiding. Or maybe it’s a new prune juice flavored Gatorade. Either way, the gym is exponentially worse with this person.

4. HoarderThis is a person who is laid up watching Desolation of Smaug in between sets. Literally an immovable, static object. It’s not like anyone else is trying to get one one of the four benches in the entire gym. Nothing like blasting out a witty tweet, staring blankly, or catching a quick cat nap between every rep. A full workout takes approximately 3 business days to complete for the Hoarder.

3. Edible LululemonDamnit enough bros have wiped out on treadmills and dropped weights on toes trying to catch a glimpse of what appears to be the most uncomfortable circumstance ever. The apparent voluntary wedgie. A variation of the aforementioned peacock. A pair of $120 stretchy pants gasping for dear life as they are eagerly consumed by the sorority chick’s ring piece.  Think Sarlacc and Boba Fett from Return of the Jedi. The claim that this type of yoga pant is comfortable is beyond ludicrous, and cleaning these things has to be more difficult than my white Batman briefs when I was 8. This is also the same chick who perpetually carries around a yoga mat in a sling. I understand that getting leered at is great, but let’s keep some  proximity between the ring piece and everything else around it.

2. Perpetually ParchedThe line at the drinking fountain couldn’t get any longer and this asshole couldn’t care less. “Oh, you look awful…like you really really need water…just let me refill this Capri Sun pouch by funneling the weak stream of this water fountain through the tiny straw hole. Should only be another 15-20 minutes.” I guess you have to fill up when you can, who knows when you’ll actually be around clean water next. I’ve been thinking of investing in one of those devices used in Waterworld that turns piss into water, it’s that dire. These people are the worst, and it goes double for the person that is filling up the bottle leaving the gym. Preparing for the treacherous 5 minute hike back to their air conditioned apartment and Smart Water.

1. Mongolian Tree ClimberBlindly following a dumb as rocks hardo meat head trainer wearing a backwards fanny pack is a tried and trued method for getting insanely jacked. “How about you hump the shit out of this yoga ball while I roll this massive foam log on your hammies, that will get your left armpit super ripped.” It seems insane but you see these morons doing this all the time. Practicing an ancient Mongolian Tree Climbing technique on the TRX to increase strength in their left big toe. The execution of these exercises has to be flawless or your career is donzo. When they undoubtedly do go horribly awry, don’t expect the space cadet trainer looking in the mirror, wishing he had bigger calves, to help you. The kicker is this person often embodies rankings 10-2 making them completely insufferable.