NFL 2017 Week 1 Love/Hate Haikus

QB Love

Ben Roethlisberger at Cleveland
Jean cargos, skechers
Saturday’s are made for Kohl’s
Sundays for winning

Russell Wilson at Green Bay
An all knowing god
Unmoved by the plight of man
Only lives Sundays

QB Hate

Eli Manning at Dallas
Damn good employee
At Papa John’s in Rockford
Middle management

Tyrod Taylor vs. New York
Crushing solitude
Can devour any hope
Decay any light

RB Love

Todd Gurley vs. Indianapolis
Welcome to Indy
Beacon of obesity
A cultureless void

Jordan Howard vs. Atlanta
A dimly lit star
Wading through oceans of plain
To a dismal pit

RB Hate

Jay Ajayi vs. Tampa Bay
Pregame with Pitbull
Grape bombs at a Senor Frogs
Hangover, dale

Mike Gillislee vs. Kansas City
Horseshoe casino
Roulette wheel cruelly spins
Revealing losers

WR Love

Devante Parker vs. Tampa Bay
Carton of Camels
For a chain smoking diva
Light up, breathe deep, fly

Alshon Jeffery at Washington
I will raise you up
On Eagles wings, through the sky
The lamb of cheese steaks

WR Hate

T.Y. Hilton vs. Los Angeles
Lady luck has died
Scott Tolzien is everything
Abandon your dreams

Doug Baldwin at Green Bay
Bio Dome returns
Starring a brand new Baldwin
Rip van Tinklefest

TE Love

Jimmy Graham at Green Bay
An aging beast crawls
Toward glory one final time
Before vanishing

Hunter Henry at Denver
Bah Gawd! Who’s music?
That’s Double H! With a chair!
The humanity!

TE Hate

Eric Ebron vs. Arizona
Owned by everyone
Once a season and then cut
Then signed, then released

Kyle Rudolph vs. New Orleans
Hobbits cannot see
Reindeer, no he cherishes
Insipid handoffs

Defense Love

Los Angeles vs. Indianapolis
The glue factory
Where horses turn to Elmer’s
Huffed by famous folks

Defense Hate

Minnesota vs. New Orleans
The Viking sex cruise
Docked at She She’s, New Orleans
Unable to move


Love/Hate Haikus Week 11

Week 11 Fantasy Football Love/Hate Haikus

Quarterbacks Love
Andrew Luck
Deepest voice ever
Slow motion Talkboy F/X
Buzz’s girlfriend woof

Mike Glennon
Miley Cyrus hair
Arm is like a wrecking ball
Runnin’ on molly


Matthew Stafford
Lambda Gun Slinger
Butt bongs beer regularly
A doughy frat boy


Quarterbacks Hate:
Joe Flacco
The Flaccid Flacco
Always in refractory
Non elite QB

Alex Smith
I nap when he plays
Noodle armed lullaby
Can’t hang with Peyton

Carson Palmer
He can barely move
Most average human ever
Despises winning

Running Backs Love
Ray Rice
Will find his talent
Like the Toon Squad in Space Jam
A trap game for Bears

Mike James (if he plays)
The new super freak
Fuck your couch Charlie Murphy
I am Mike James bitch


Alfred Morris
A better butler
Than even Michael Kane is
Alfred Pennyworth


Running Backs Hate
Ben Tate
A bad batch of ribs
Some eaten at Applebees
Sad establishment

Jamaal Charles
When points are dropped
And one team cannot keep up
The running will stop

Steven Jackson
A bigger helmet
Is the first step to fixing
Nose touches facemask


Wide Receivers Love
T.Y. Hilton
Had something to prove
Is now Reggie 2 point 0
The franchise future

Andre Johnson (Andre 3000)
Keenum is Big Boi
Remaking Aquemini
A masterpiece game


Wide Receivers Hate
Steve Smith
Age is catching up
Aqib Talib is as well
The fade from stardom

Cecil Shorts
Arizona D
Is smoking blunts with Blackmon
Cecil can’t survive

Defense Love
See Flaccid Flacco
A Superbowl hangover
Offense is awful

Defense Hate
Golden boy is back
He’s wearing Uggs and CK
Also complaining