Cambridge, Massachusetts-Over the last few months several fantastical stories have surfaced about Ivy League schools accepting students who wrote admission essays on Papa John’s, Taco Bell and one that even came in the form of a rap song. In the latest clickbait attempt to justify how quirky millennials can be while also filling social feeds with content comparable to flavorless, reheated, 60/40 ground chuck, we examine Grayson Horton-Miller who got into Harvard with a 700,000 word ode to the popular streaming site, PornHub.
“We get thousands of essays every year, but young Grayson’s essay was something to be cherished…a true work of art! A composer in a symphony of bleached assholes!” said Dean of Admission, Phillip Biggins. “The 20,000 word section on POV was superb! Not to mention the 50,000 lines of poetry on gonzo! His theories involving the origin of human evolution being sparked by cuckholding are quite profound! A millenial visionary by every definition of the word!” continued Biggins, head spinning at the porn category algorithms Grayson could someday develop.
Though the essay contains no punctuation and though it appears Grayson has only a loose grasp on how to read and write, the sheer fervor in which the essay was written has gained him admission to Harvard with a full academic scholarship. Millenials do the darndest things!
And though Grayson appears to be struggling with a crippling pornography addiction that is consuming his every thought and rendering him incapable of experiencing actual human emotion, his parents couldn’t be any prouder of their snowflake.
Chicago, IL-The RompHim, a male version of an already infuriating garment, regardless of gender, was birthed into the world a few weeks ago at a Tilted Kilt in Chicago where a Chainsmokers cover band was playing. Crawling out of the self-satisfied buttholes of a few indiscernible jerks wearing athletic shades and swaddled in a bucket of Michelob Ultra until maturity, the RompHim was prepared to stroke any ego already swelling with the pride of a fraternity at its annual golf pros and tennis hos party.
Bros everywhere are excited to hop in the RompHim to drink beers, hit music festivals, hook up with dime pieces and experience the crippling stranglehold of systematic gender inequality. Say what? G-G-G-Gender Inequality…BOINNGGGGG…ARUUUGAHHHH!!! That’s right, for the first time ever entitled pieces of shit will experience their worst nightmare…being treated like a ch-ch-ch-chickkkkkk! ZOING! (EXPLOSIONS + FUCKING MAN SIRENS)
“It started out great, drinking buckets of low-carb beers, hitting on waitresses, fucking dabbing, physically intimidating BOTH fucking genders, pretty much being sweet as all hell like DUDES DO,” said one customer who chose to remain anonymous. BEING AN ALPHA M-M-M-MALE!
“The day took a weird turn though…especially when a group of other guys started cat calling me on my way home, which was right before I was accused of being a slut after politely turning down a drink in River North. I ended up in an Uber and suffered through a lengthy and completely unwanted conversation,” continued the customer looking more sunken and despondent with each passing second. S-S-S-S-SEXUAL H-H-H-HARASSMENT R-R-R-ROMPHIM! BAROOOGA!
And the RompHim isn’t limited to just the daily social tormenting suffered by women! ARUF? SAY WHAT? UGH HUH! The RompHim will instantly decrease your salary by 20%! W-W-W-WAGE GAP DISPARITY THUMBS UP! Assertiveness and intelligence will be deemed catty and bitchy! H-H-HOW IS THIS PERSON IN A POSITION OF POWER? BOINGO! And let’s not forget being asked to smile more, chicks frowning is a total bummer! SERIOUSLY SOMEONE REPORT THIS SEXIST MANAGER TO HR! ZOING ZOING ZOING HR INCIDENT BUTT CHUG!
So buy the RompHim today, drink a couple Coors Lights at a fast casual restaurant and be a chill bro experiencing debilitating gender discrimination plaguing our nation!