Hammond, Indiana-Several Instagram followers were filled with an overwhelming sense of pride when a friend posted a picture of an object they just purchased on Instagram last week. “Just knowing that she is still capable of purchasing is a huge relief,” said one follower staring at lifeless object, somehow hypnotized by the boastful effigy of unbridled consumerism. Without this documentation of spending, it would be otherwise impossible to verify someone’s happiness.
Though the determination to purchase the item and the subsequent actual purchasing took under three minutes and contributed to a never ending cycle of acquisition, it is still unquestionably a feat worthy of celebration. And nothing is more jubilant than a picture of a stationery object. Pictures like these are what social media applications were built for, sterile receipts containing no humanity.
Even incorporating a person actually enjoying the purchase would compromise the otherwise tasteful and engaging picture of an object sitting in space. Simply stoic. Garnish with a self-satisfied caption, a shout out to the company that made it and several orgasmic hashtags describing how it’s the happiest day of your life and you’ll be poised to get four likes in no time.
Rockford, IL-An Illinois man who recently completed his transformation to indistinguishable white dude, by way of getting a high and tight WWII style haircut, confirmed that he is more heroic than his grandpa who fought and died on the beaches of Normandy in World War II.
“I never claimed that what he did wasn’t courageous, my existence just transcends anything he did or could have hoped to do,” said A.J. Lauder examining his impeccable frown and puffed chest in the bathroom mirror at
“Posing for curated Instagram pics is essentially the same as taking another man’s life to protect the freedoms your country allows, as is drinking buckets of Coors Light and matching hella chicks on Tinder. These dog tags engraved with Imagine Dragons lyrics, are actually made from spent bullet casings and tungsten steal, bought them off of a Facebook ad,” continued Lauder between rips off of an enormous vape pen.
Bravery isn’t measure by the ability or willingness to do the right thing in a dire situation, nor is it standing up for oppressed groups otherwise unable to do so…it’s a combination measurement consisting of how hard your fade looks after a fresh trim, the amount of pomade used on a given day and the ability to not crack a smile in even the most enjoyable circumstance.
Bravery is going to a barbershop, getting the exact same haircut as every other thirty year old dude and skimping on the tip.
Deer Creek, IN-Concert footage taken from an Eddie Money cover band at a matinee show at Deer Creek has been deemed sadder than Manchester by the Sea. The footage was taken, and posted gleefully on social media, by someone you went to high school with that remains firmly planted in your home town like an old oak tree draped in Pacific Sun and slathered in Hooters buffalo sauce.
The grainy video, taken from a Samsung Galaxy S3, surfaced on Instagram and functioned as a beacon of contempt to anyone who questioned the state of that person’s life. Taken from 600 level seating, zoomed in enough to see hints of the Eddie Money cover band on one of the video screens, and ripe with boastful hashtags (#bestlife #blessed #somuchfun #livinthedream), the video purposed for envy, instead instilled sadness.
The pinnacle of the last decade for this person, distilled into a 12 second Instagram clip, was arguably more depressing than a back to back feature of Faces of Death and Manchester by the Sea.
Cambridge, Massachusetts-Over the last few months several fantastical stories have surfaced about Ivy League schools accepting students who wrote admission essays on Papa John’s, Taco Bell and one that even came in the form of a rap song. In the latest clickbait attempt to justify how quirky millennials can be while also filling social feeds with content comparable to flavorless, reheated, 60/40 ground chuck, we examine Grayson Horton-Miller who got into Harvard with a 700,000 word ode to the popular streaming site, PornHub.
“We get thousands of essays every year, but young Grayson’s essay was something to be cherished…a true work of art! A composer in a symphony of bleached assholes!” said Dean of Admission, Phillip Biggins. “The 20,000 word section on POV was superb! Not to mention the 50,000 lines of poetry on gonzo! His theories involving the origin of human evolution being sparked by cuckholding are quite profound! A millenial visionary by every definition of the word!” continued Biggins, head spinning at the porn category algorithms Grayson could someday develop.
Though the essay contains no punctuation and though it appears Grayson has only a loose grasp on how to read and write, the sheer fervor in which the essay was written has gained him admission to Harvard with a full academic scholarship. Millenials do the darndest things!
And though Grayson appears to be struggling with a crippling pornography addiction that is consuming his every thought and rendering him incapable of experiencing actual human emotion, his parents couldn’t be any prouder of their snowflake.
Chicago, IL-The RompHim, a male version of an already infuriating garment, regardless of gender, was birthed into the world a few weeks ago at a Tilted Kilt in Chicago where a Chainsmokers cover band was playing. Crawling out of the self-satisfied buttholes of a few indiscernible jerks wearing athletic shades and swaddled in a bucket of Michelob Ultra until maturity, the RompHim was prepared to stroke any ego already swelling with the pride of a fraternity at its annual golf pros and tennis hos party.
Bros everywhere are excited to hop in the RompHim to drink beers, hit music festivals, hook up with dime pieces and experience the crippling stranglehold of systematic gender inequality. Say what? G-G-G-Gender Inequality…BOINNGGGGG…ARUUUGAHHHH!!! That’s right, for the first time ever entitled pieces of shit will experience their worst nightmare…being treated like a ch-ch-ch-chickkkkkk! ZOING! (EXPLOSIONS + FUCKING MAN SIRENS)
“It started out great, drinking buckets of low-carb beers, hitting on waitresses, fucking dabbing, physically intimidating BOTH fucking genders, pretty much being sweet as all hell like DUDES DO,” said one customer who chose to remain anonymous. BEING AN ALPHA M-M-M-MALE!
“The day took a weird turn though…especially when a group of other guys started cat calling me on my way home, which was right before I was accused of being a slut after politely turning down a drink in River North. I ended up in an Uber and suffered through a lengthy and completely unwanted conversation,” continued the customer looking more sunken and despondent with each passing second. S-S-S-S-SEXUAL H-H-H-HARASSMENT R-R-R-ROMPHIM! BAROOOGA!
And the RompHim isn’t limited to just the daily social tormenting suffered by women! ARUF? SAY WHAT? UGH HUH! The RompHim will instantly decrease your salary by 20%! W-W-W-WAGE GAP DISPARITY THUMBS UP! Assertiveness and intelligence will be deemed catty and bitchy! H-H-HOW IS THIS PERSON IN A POSITION OF POWER? BOINGO! And let’s not forget being asked to smile more, chicks frowning is a total bummer! SERIOUSLY SOMEONE REPORT THIS SEXIST MANAGER TO HR! ZOING ZOING ZOING HR INCIDENT BUTT CHUG!
So buy the RompHim today, drink a couple Coors Lights at a fast casual restaurant and be a chill bro experiencing debilitating gender discrimination plaguing our nation!