Edible Arrangements launches all new ground beef line

Chicago, IL-In an effort to monopolize the niche market of obligatory, thoughtless gifts that no one really wants and are ultimately a burden for all involved, Edible Arrangements has expanded their line to go beyond just soggy, heart shaped cantaloupe chunks.

A deluxe line of arrangements has just launched for that mildly special someone that qualifies as slightly more important than a basket full of browning apples glued into the shape of Danielle Bregoli’s face. The Incredible Edible Ground Round Nibbler is the perfect gift for that person in your life that may or may not be a fan of 60/40 blend ground beef.

Not only is the basket stuffed to the absolute brim with cooked and uncooked ground beef hunks that are crudely fashioned into varying benign shapes that a marketing team spent countless hours arguing over, the entire basket itself is woven from ground beef and slathered in Worcestershire sauce.

Imagine the look on someone’s face when a sagging plastic bag full of ground beef and loose marinade is placed in a precarious place on their desk. The prospect of a beef themed sack threatening to explode and contaminate everything the person owns is a true display of affection.

So buy the Incredible Edible Ground Round Nibbler for someone you’re indifferent about today!

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Christmas Miracle: This family exchanged $10 iTunes gift cards for Christmas

Hammond, IN-The loose definition of a miracle is a transcendent or otherwise unique happening that occurs most commonly in desperate circumstances. When the human spirit faces imminent defeat and the only thing left to do is to surrender itself to the unknown.

And for some reason, these special moments are drawn to the holiday season, lured by the stench of stale egg nog, strip mall snow mounds, empty consumerism and assorted obligations.

A family in the quiet town of Hammond was fortunate enough to experience something that by all accounts qualifies as a miracle in Northern Indiana. After seeing a twinkling star (which ended up being a drone) above the town’s Circuit City, the family heeded the recreational flying device’s beckoning and made the lengthy pilgrimage to the outdated electronics store where their savior was born.

With hopes of finding gifts to exchange and discard, which is undoubtedly what their savior would have wanted after rising on the third day from a tomb in a Buffalo Wild Wings, the family bought what they believed would make the perfect Christmas.

As the gift opening commenced, each family member eagerly tore into the glittery wrapping paper, prepared to contort their face into the look of excitement that had been tirelessly rehearsed. Each gift birthed slowly into the world with a predictable mild enthusiasm…but what could this be?! A $10 iTunes gift card? No! Not one $10 iTunes gift card but four, one for each family member! Oh what a sight to behold!

The family members quickly explained their reasoning for buying the other member a $10 iTunes gift card, noting that they had observed a vague interest in either music or film from the receiver of the gift. They each retreated into the solace of their iPhones to spend their spoils on an HD movie rental or the partial purchase of an album.

Zone-Out

Artist: Horse Head
Album: Really Really Real
Rating: 4.6/5.0
Download/Listen: http://bighlittleh.bandcamp.com/album/really-really-real

Really Really Real is a soundtrack for existence. The first song Gifts swaddles you in its undying cordiality, much like the rest of the album. I found myself melting into my Chicago transit seat this morning, though it is greatly undetermined if this was the unwanted heat left from the obese former occupant of the seat or the beauty of this mixtape.

The album has a great arc to it, ranging from aforementioned buzzing, sprightly and hypnotizing sounds to the funkier Night Thuggin. Maintain the continuity and flow by listening/downloading from start to finish using the bandcamp link. There are plenty of good pairings for an album like this, I found myself in a pleasant stupor glaring deep into the faint glow of my computer screen, performing the inconsequential tasks associated with most of our existences. However I could also see myself enjoying it quietly reading on a Saturday afternoon, or fishing out an ice cold beer from the fridge and playing Mario during the same day.

Listen:

http://bighlittleh.bandcamp.com/album/really-really-real