Hangover really peaking during Uber ride

Hammond, Indiana-A hangover that seemed like a manageable affair on initial onset has, within the confines of a twenty minute Uber ride, transformed into a terrifying examination of mortality and panic. The waves of nausea were angry that day, but nothing stirs the rotting excess in the belly of the beast like a 2005 Honda Civic with the heat blasting.

That and a driver who is hard-pitching a low-risk investment in his 3D printing company, are everything needed to consider the prospect of quietly passing away in the stained cloth seats without having made the slightest impact on the world.

The hangover swells to maximum strength as the driver asks about voting preferences right before admitting that a wall between the United States and Mexico may not be the worst thing in the world. Completely oblivious to the jaundiced insect, squirming helplessly for a position that will make it all go away. Its face suggests retching its misguided hopes and dreams with bile and gin, yet it suffers through one word replies, unable to seem impolite. But this hangover is beyond a simple vomit.

Night terrors. Unnatural tingling. A distinct faintness sets in and it becomes uncertain whether or not vital organs will remain intact or disintegrate into the floor with the uncanny amount of white dog hair. The 10 IPA’s drank last night may as well have been neglected Jacuzzi water out of a used condom. A steady sweat sits in and the gum being chewed transforms into vodka soaked aluminum foil.

Only 5-minutes have passed in a 20-minute ride and there’s no certainty of another solid bowel movement for the remainder of the year.

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Drinking Buddies

Drinking Buddies
Rating: 5%
Rotten Tomatoes: 85%

Drinking Buddies makes a truly inspired attempt at dethroning Couples Retreat as the worst movie ever created in Chicago. There’s a gorgeous spread of insufferable moments, dialogue and characters that grate, plod and flounder through what seemed to be an eternity in a mundane existence in Chicago.

Several hipster alcoholics exchange what they believe to be quirky one liners and hopelessly flirt with one another. The movie had summer blockbuster written all over it, they should have hired Michael Bay to direct this thing. They really should have. Somehow billed as a comedy I laughed more times watching JAG reruns. Each character is more loathsome than the next, all vying for most annoying Chicago stereotype. The raspy voiced bro-ey party girl that’s just one of the guys. The moody, self gratifying bearded hipster with a Chicago flag tattoo and Old Style trucker hat. Their all there and all severely annoying. It’s a real treat to watch people I actively avoid. Give me a Jimmy Eat World cover band and a bucket of Reds Apple Ale at the lowly Cubby Bear over taking a Malort shot with these dicks. I hate watching actors act drunk it’s as though none of them have ever taken a bottle of Parrot Bay directly to the dome. Someone needs to master the thousand mile vacant stare STAT. I also don’t buy for a minute Olivia Wilde or the guy from office space were drinking Revolution beers, those were almost certainly Miller 64’s.

The portrayal of the hangover itself is vexing. It’s not a hard message to get across. It involves laying on a couch and pinching off eye stingers until you can muster up enough strength to get Chipotle, which generally compounds the war being waged in your stomach and skull. In Drinking Buddies the hangovers are at worst a chipper tickle fight, and they pass in an instant. Not the grueling war of attrition that happens in real life.

One salvageable moment was the accuracy of frustration experienced while moving to a new apartment in Chicago. It was captured perfectly and I found it agreeable watching a meandering doofus take a nail to the hand. I also enjoy drinking Revolution beer which happens to be in the movie. Other than that it’s an unsalvageable pile. Pauly Shore showed a greater character arch in Jury Duty than any of the ones found here. It could not be more uninteresting.