Auntie Annie voted best microwaved airport soft pretzel for 10th straight year

Chicago, O’Hare Airport-A third party survey conducted by an unemployed copy writer from the now extinct SkyMall magazine, found that Auntie Annie’s remains America’s favorite microwaved airport soft pretzel. The survey universe consisted of several people farting it up in the Southwest cattle pens, as they wrestled for pole position for a flight that wouldn’t leave for another three hours.

The sample size was vaguely paunchy and unwell, wore soiled pajama pants and ill-fitting Life is Good shirts covered in old egg from Einstein Bros., an accurate representation of the entirety of the airport.

Four of five surveyed said they preferred Auntie Annie’s over any other microwaved soft pretzel options the airport had to offer. The one outlier maintained that buying a bag of pretzels from Hudson News and filling it with water to soften the pretzels before eating and drinking the salty water, was comparable to an Auntie Annie’s pretzel at a third of the cost.

After the survey, the ex-SkyMall employee retreated to his hidden compartment under one of the Sunglass Hut display cases, where he will slumber until an airport pretzel survey is requested once more.

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Racists scramble to construct new statue of Tim Allen in highway median to protect white heritage

Rockford, IL-In a panicked effort to uphold some perverse interpretation of something being called white heritage, which its existence in itself is baffling, inbred families and mutant friends alike gathered to erect a statue of Tim Allen within the confines of a highway median on the outskirts of Rockford.

The monument will be constructed from expired deli meat, bandages, Bluetooth headsets, unpaid credit card bills and DVDs. Vaseline and goat semen will be used as adhesive to hold the sagging structure in place. It will be surrounded by an above ground pool, which reverant bigots are encouraged to take a malnourished dump in for good luck before wading through the filth of their ancestors in order to kiss the discarded toenails that make the feet of the structure.

The monument is said to serve as a beacon for racists everywhere, a guardian of inequality, a visual manifestation of the sadness they stand for and the fundamental ability to crawl around in the hateful poops laid in above ground pool by like-minded idiots.

Man gets same haircut his grandpa had during WWII and considers himself just as heroic

Rockford, IL-An Illinois man who recently completed his transformation to indistinguishable white dude, by way of getting a high and tight WWII style haircut, confirmed that he is more heroic than his grandpa who fought and died on the beaches of Normandy in World War II.

“I never claimed that what he did wasn’t courageous, my existence just transcends anything he did or could have hoped to do,” said A.J. Lauder examining his impeccable frown and puffed chest in the bathroom mirror at

“Posing for curated Instagram pics is essentially the same as taking another man’s life to protect the freedoms your country allows, as is drinking buckets of Coors Light and matching hella chicks on Tinder. These dog tags engraved with Imagine Dragons lyrics, are actually made from spent bullet casings and tungsten steal, bought them off of a Facebook ad,” continued Lauder between rips off of an enormous vape pen.

Bravery isn’t measure by the ability or willingness to do the right thing in a dire situation, nor is it standing up for oppressed groups otherwise unable to do so…it’s a combination measurement consisting of how hard your fade looks after a fresh trim, the amount of pomade used on a given day and the ability to not crack a smile in even the most enjoyable circumstance.

Bravery is going to a barbershop, getting the exact same haircut as every other thirty year old dude and skimping on the tip.

 

 

 

Boastful concert footage sadder than Manchester by the Sea

Deer Creek, IN-Concert footage taken from an Eddie Money cover band at a matinee show at Deer Creek has been deemed sadder than Manchester by the Sea. The footage was taken, and posted gleefully on social media, by someone you went to high school with that remains firmly planted in your home town like an old oak tree draped in Pacific Sun and slathered in Hooters buffalo sauce.

The grainy video, taken from a Samsung Galaxy S3, surfaced on Instagram and functioned as a beacon of contempt to anyone who questioned the state of that person’s life. Taken from 600 level seating, zoomed in enough to see hints of the Eddie Money cover band on one of the video screens, and ripe with boastful hashtags (#bestlife #blessed #somuchfun #livinthedream), the video purposed for envy, instead instilled sadness.

The pinnacle of the last decade for this person, distilled into a 12 second Instagram clip, was arguably more depressing than a back to back feature of Faces of Death and Manchester by the Sea.

Guy on train wearing his backpack like a big boy!

Chicago, IL-A guy riding the CTA on Monday morning was spotted proudly wearing his big boy backpack. Originally thought to be an enormous goiter, because of his inability or refusal to place the object on the ground where it belonged, turned out to be a Jansport backpack filled to the brim with an outdated Encyclopedia Britannica edition.

“My mom wakes me up, wipes the dribble from my chin, then uses the same tissue to wipe my butt first thing in the morning, then she fireman carries me down the stairs and feeds me coco puffs, then she packs my backpack up nice and tight and lets me ride the train all day long!” said Colin Cummings, an object of hatred for everyone riding the train.

Cummings, a 35 year old strip club DJ intern of 10 years, says that wearing his enormous backpack on the train has given him the confidence he needs to DJ matinee sets at Industrial Strip in Hammond Indiana every other Tuesday. “When I wear my backpack I’m the center of attention, just like at the strip club! I see the ladies staring!” continued Cummings swaying obliviously.

Cummings existence remains an inconvenience for humanity as a whole, who can only find solace knowing that he’ll likely die alone and have a sparsely attended funeral.

Bastille cover band refuses to play “Pompeii” at Roscoe Village Pigeon, Zebra Mussel & Fidget Spinner street fest

Chicago, IL-Chaos ensued last Saturday at the first annual North Roscoe Village Pigeon, Mussel & Fidget Spinner Street Fest when a Bastille cover band, that was hired to perform for anyone boring enough to attend a street fest, refused to play the dated hit “Pompeii”. The street fest started as most do, with physically and mentally mediocre people gathering to celebrate their ordinariness by paying to stand on smoldering asphalt and drink $8 Green Lines.

Thousands of people swarmed the street fest for their chance at eating a fly ridden, sun baked, Chicago River Zebra Mussel or a freshly slaughtered pigeon filet served on wilted lettuce for the people publicly declaring their gluten intolerance. The arts and crafts table set up for the kids was a nice addition according to neighbors. For the small fee of a $200, kids were allowed to collect the bloodied remains from the pigeon feast and make their very own pigeon bone fidget spinners!

All seemed well at the festival as moms wore chic, Instagram worthy headdresses crafted from pigeon feathers and dads took turns sinking each other in a zebra mussel infested dunk tank. The sun began to set and the late 2000’s cover band, which would serve as the highlight of the year for most of the pathetic festival goers, took the stage.

The band began to play what was assumed to be the only song ever created by Bastille, bellowing “Hey ay oh hey oh hey ay oh ay yo,” but as the crowd worked itself into a frenzy they stopped. “You know we’re not gonna play that pussy shit! We play Bastille deep cuts only!” screamed the lead singer at the restless crowd.

The entitled crowd screamed in agony as their perfect festival appeared ruined, several people ended their lives by way of zebra mussel to the forehead, knowing they would likely never witness a Bastille cover band play “Pompeii”. Others retreated, hoping to reorganize another street festival for next weekend featuring an Eiffel 65 cover band.

Company mistakes cloud capacity for technological buzz word and hires regional vape champion

South Bend, IN-A tech company in Northern Indiana, already ripe with global brand influencers and other industry game changers with no discernible skills, hired what they believed to be the front runner of a new digital world order.  Little did they know, a skill that he had been endorsed for over 12,000 times on LinkedIn, was not another ambiguous marketing proficiency to add to the team but rather indicated an aptitude for lengthy and colossal vape plumes.

“When you see a word like cloud capacity, you automatically think VP of something, hell you’d be smart to create a whole new division around something like that,” said the department head, furiously hacking away at another level of bubble shooter.

“Now knowing that cloud capacity indicates the overall size of a vape cloud he can make in one continuous blow, I’m putting ten people underneath him and giving him a corner office. Being a regional Northern Indiana Vape Champion and being a global brand ambassador/industry thought leadership influencer are essentially the same thing,” continued the head, completely unaware that the newly hired employee’s technological competence is limited to logging into his premium PornHub account.

Though the department remains in shambles, the enormous, passion fruit scented clouds remain a sight to behold.

Student gets into Harvard with essay documenting love of PornHub

Cambridge, Massachusetts-Over the last few months several fantastical stories have surfaced about Ivy League schools accepting students who wrote admission essays on Papa John’s, Taco Bell and one that even came in the form of a rap song. In the latest clickbait attempt to justify how quirky millennials can be while also filling social feeds with content comparable to flavorless, reheated, 60/40 ground chuck, we examine Grayson Horton-Miller who got into Harvard with a 700,000 word ode to the popular streaming site, PornHub.

“We get thousands of essays every year, but young Grayson’s essay was something to be cherished…a true work of art! A composer in a symphony of bleached assholes!” said Dean of Admission, Phillip Biggins. “The 20,000 word section on POV was superb! Not to mention the 50,000 lines of poetry on gonzo! His theories involving the origin of human evolution being sparked by cuckholding are quite profound! A millenial visionary by every definition of the word!” continued Biggins, head spinning at the porn category algorithms Grayson could someday develop.

Though the essay contains no punctuation and though it appears Grayson has only a loose grasp on how to read and write, the sheer fervor in which the essay was written has gained him admission to Harvard with a full academic scholarship. Millenials do the darndest things!

And though Grayson appears to be struggling with a crippling pornography addiction that is consuming his every thought and rendering him incapable of experiencing actual human emotion, his parents couldn’t be any prouder of their snowflake.

Couple Comes Home With Not One but Two Crappy Paintings after Wine & Paint

A couple eager to decorate their apartment with some homemade art were sorely disappointed after discovering the two paintings from their Wine & Paint class were not only identical, but also complete abominations. “I guess in hindsight we should have anticipated them being identical, but there was no way to foresee the gross over-estimation in our creative ability.” Said 29 year-old Robert Mansfield staring glumly at the atrocity in front of him. His wife’s was equally disgraceful, an embarrassing mess of excessive acrylics.

The night before they had deemed them their life’s work.

“We honestly thought they were pretty good…who wouldn’t want a painting of a ship and a full moon with the saying Swim to your Dreams under it…it seemed incredibly original to us, something to really make our apartment stand out.” Continued Mansfield with his head planted firmly in his hands. Him and his wife oblivious to the fact that there have been several hundred other versions of this painting made from the class in varying degrees of crappiness.

It took several weeks but the honeymoon phase with the paintings they had convinced themselves were somehow good finally ended one fateful Wednesday night. Rob described walking by the two paintings and having a moment of clarity that snapped him from his previous delusional state. “They’re really bad, I was drunk off red wine again for the first time since that night and finally noticed the ugliness; my stomach hurts looking at them.” Said Mansfield crudely jamming the paintings into the dumpster.

Not everyone snaps out of the delusion like Rob, hundreds of basic paintings hang around houses as we speak, so be weird and for the love of God don’t do wine and paint.

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Transit hero politely smiles at elderly woman before returning to Chive article

Brown Line to Kimball, Chicago-A Chicago man warmed hearts on Monday after offering a polite smile and nod to an elderly woman, who could barely stand, on a Kimball bound Brown Line train. The act of kindness happened during rush hour and was described by many as endearing and a much needed return to the golden days of chivalry. “You don’t see it a lot in this day and age. It was really sweet…he looked up with these big brown eyes and just smiled at her and nodded…and then promptly returned to reading Chive articles,” said one passenger. “It was insane he knew exactly what she needed, I’ve never seen anything like it!” said another fighting back tears.

The train rumbled forward in traditional erratic fashion, causing the woman to lose her footing several times, everyone looked on helplessly at the disheartening moment, some even had the courtesy to tweet about it. But no one had the courage to do what he did.

A gift to public transit or maybe humanity as a whole. A moment that no one on that train will soon forget. When asked about the occurrence, the humble hero maintained that he was just in the right place at the right time. He even alluded that if it were to happen again there’s a decent chance he’d do it all over again. Noting that the split second of looking up rendered him unable to finish the top 10 butts of the week article he was reading.

Elderly women need nothing more than a smug grin from a stranger in a fedora, on a stinking public transit car to cure what ails them.

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