Area man who arrives to party with 6-pack of Heineken announces “I come bearing gifts”

Chicago, IL-A forgettable party guest who may or may not have been the bastard brother-in-law of a glue sniffer who probably wasn’t invited to the party in the first place, made it clear that he was going to be a social burden the rest of the night by announcing, I come bearing gifts, while hoisting a 6-pack of Heineken that he would undoubtedly hoard the rest of the night.

The other guests navigated around him with a weariness generally reserved for Gristle & Goyder night at Ponderosa steakhouses in Northern Indiana. Each one knowing that at some point they would ultimately succumb to the infected flesh wrapped in garments from Trunk Club.

Now the only determination was for how long and by what excruciating conversation topic would they be forced to spill their melted brains on the cat hair infested floor. Thinly veiled racism? Recent sexual conquests? Professional goals? All Bird shoes? Ashton Kutcher’s time on Two and a Half Men? Early onset erectile dysfunction? Crying themselves to sleep on a nightly basis? Everything. Nothing.

Fortunately wasting away in an inescapable conversation with someone you’ll never talk to again is time well spent when that person is drinking a 6-pack of mediocre beer. Enjoy a Heineken today.

Area man’s whimsical journey across Europe ends in culmination of photographs of recognizable landmarks

Hammond, IN-A man’s spiritual journey across Western Europe, completed in an effort to rediscover himself and fall back in love with the man he once was, culminated with several pictures that would fit perfectly in an iStock catalog. In the spirit of Kerouac, restaurants and bars were heavily researched beforehand and TripAdvisor was strictly abided by.

Top rated Ubers were taken instead of motorbikes or walking and locals were peered at with the weighty suspicion of an elderly person watching passerby from their front lawn. But perhaps the biggest realization of the highly sought after imaginary bohemian vagabond fantasy were the stock photos taken in front of varying famous landmarks.

“I heard about this spot in London, locals called it Big Ben, it was this clock…very off the beaten path…avant-garde…and I just looked at it and thought…time…then snapped a pic so my followers could glimpse the same obscure underbelly I did,” said Ken Kibby tipping his fedora and adjusting his infinity scarf.

The transformation has continued since Kibby’s return from his trip as his insufferable interests on Tinder now include “lover of the world, hopeless wanderer and international craft beer connoisseur.” His next artistically curated adventure will be a week-long stay at Universal Studios Orlando.