Chicago, IL-A person with absolutely no more platitudes to offer about varying friend’s birthdays has hired New York Times best-selling author David Baldacci to pen a vaguely sentimental and undoubtedly lengthy caption to accompany a lifeless picture of a, now distant, acquaintance.
After several years of posts celebrating every national puppy day, national cry yourself to sleep day, national sibling day, national butthole day, take your goat to work day and every single birthday from a lifetime of formative friendships, Kristina Hodges finally had nothing left to say.
An entire deflating Instagram feed oozing oblivion like old Kikkoman bleeding from a rice heart at a Hibachi Grill in middle Indiana.
“Much like my novels, by rearranging a few words, you can make a one-of-a-kind birthday dedication for any friend. Forever my inspiration can be changed to My forever inspiration or Inspiration my forever, because ultimately no one cares, I employed a similar method to my novels Man Down Below and Below, Man Down!” said Baldacci taking a long pull from a Virginia Slim cigarette.
Fuddruckers, Hammond-A picture of several uninteresting clouds accompanied by the caption “dreaming,” offered absolutely nothing to the unfortunate community of people too cowardly to unfollow an Instagram user whose posts had driven many to the point of app deletion in recent weeks.
Tops of coffee mugs, heaven, pictures of menus, eating, squirrel, animal, close-up selfie of their forehead, living…all an uncanny airline snack mix of ordinary yet somehow oddly unfamiliar.
The swarm of content all fueling the only measurable happiness in life, dying with the most likes. As the yodeling Walmart kid once said, “Whoever dies with the most likes wins,” You momentarily look at the idiotic picture and consider the prospect of ending the cycle of obligatory likes.
But they liked the picture of the piece of shit art you made last week and the throwback you posted of yourself huffing duster with someone who looks like Tim Allen, so you begrudgingly continue the cycle.
A dutiful social media follower who takes their responsibility of exchanging meaningless likes very seriously.
Mundelein, IL-An area woman who has been spewing her uninteresting consciousness onto Instagram for unfortunate followers to lap up and occasionally give an obligatory “like” to in an effort to maintain a dwindling friendship, has come under fire after followers realized there was virtually no difference in her daily “vibes” posts.
In order to fill the momentary gap in which there is absolutely nothing else to announce, share, react to, or offer an ill-informed opinion on, one woman has resorted to posting a flurry of heavily filtered selfies with indeterminable, albeit emotionless expressions accompanied by thoughtless captions like “Friday Vibes.”
Followers became suspicious after every single day of the week’s vibe appeared identical, raising concern whether or not the person is a computer program attempting to convince the world it was human.
“People deserve to know what I’m feeling! Even if it’s literally nothing at all!” said the woman passively scrolling through an endless world of meaningless content.
(This in no way reflects the person below who vehemently opposes vibez pics, tho the picture was just too perfect not to use)
Chicago, IL-A Chicago resident bravely announced her New Year’s resolution to be more present, to her uninterested social media following through a flurry of dull Instagram posts. Though most people wouldn’t have the courage to commit to something which requires absolutely no accountability to a group of people who could care less, Sarah Kibby persisted.
“I make about 20 posts related to New Year’s, most of them are just variations of me wearing an adorbz festive tiara at a sparsely attended bar that you totally wish you were at, but at the end of the relentless onslaught of posts, I’ll announce my resolution,” said Kibby furiously scrutinizing her best nine generated Instagram pictures.
Her resolution this year is simple, be more present. To live more in the moment instead of obsessively creating mundane content for her social media outlets. In order to achieve this, she’ll be live broadcasting her entire journey, 24 hours a day.
Aloof followers will be treated to a live stream of her day with her narrating and analyzing every single action, as content reigns down on them like demon hell fire, they can at least find solace in the notion that Kibby is 100% more present.
Hammond, Indiana-Several Instagram followers were filled with an overwhelming sense of pride when a friend posted a picture of an object they just purchased on Instagram last week. “Just knowing that she is still capable of purchasing is a huge relief,” said one follower staring at lifeless object, somehow hypnotized by the boastful effigy of unbridled consumerism. Without this documentation of spending, it would be otherwise impossible to verify someone’s happiness.
Though the determination to purchase the item and the subsequent actual purchasing took under three minutes and contributed to a never ending cycle of acquisition, it is still unquestionably a feat worthy of celebration. And nothing is more jubilant than a picture of a stationery object. Pictures like these are what social media applications were built for, sterile receipts containing no humanity.
Even incorporating a person actually enjoying the purchase would compromise the otherwise tasteful and engaging picture of an object sitting in space. Simply stoic. Garnish with a self-satisfied caption, a shout out to the company that made it and several orgasmic hashtags describing how it’s the happiest day of your life and you’ll be poised to get four likes in no time.
Hobart, IN-A boomerang video of a child being born has compiled 19 views from horrified followers. In what is being called the official deathblow to the wonders of childbirth, the video loop of the child’s head rapidly popping in and out with a backdrop of Shape of You by Ed Sheeran, functioned as the official birth announcement for one social media savvy couple in Hobart Indiana.
“We’re always pushing the limits on social media, last week we did a duckface selfie from inside of the toilet of a porta-potty at a construction site! It was hilarious!” said Cameron Holloway while reviewing the additional SnapChat footage of the birth, which featured various his filtered facial reactions instead of the birth itself.
Other ingenious social media efforts by the couple include: a time lapse video of a 45 minute poop, placing the SnapChat flower crown filter on a deceased person at a funeral with the tagline TFW Skrillex drops the beat way too hard and an engagement proposal while riding the roller coaster, Top Thrill Dragster, at Cedar Point during a vacation to Sandusky Ohio.
As social media continues to evolve, the suffocating frequency and objective stupidity will drown the few simple joys left in life and leave us questioning the sanity of friends and family alike.
Deer Creek, IN-Concert footage taken from an Eddie Money cover band at a matinee show at Deer Creek has been deemed sadder than Manchester by the Sea. The footage was taken, and posted gleefully on social media, by someone you went to high school with that remains firmly planted in your home town like an old oak tree draped in Pacific Sun and slathered in Hooters buffalo sauce.
The grainy video, taken from a Samsung Galaxy S3, surfaced on Instagram and functioned as a beacon of contempt to anyone who questioned the state of that person’s life. Taken from 600 level seating, zoomed in enough to see hints of the Eddie Money cover band on one of the video screens, and ripe with boastful hashtags (#bestlife #blessed #somuchfun #livinthedream), the video purposed for envy, instead instilled sadness.
The pinnacle of the last decade for this person, distilled into a 12 second Instagram clip, was arguably more depressing than a back to back feature of Faces of Death and Manchester by the Sea.
Fort Wayne, IN-In an effort to, once and for all, prove to aloof digital aquintances that she in fact enjoys the start of the weekend, one Fort Wayne resident posted a zoomed in picture of herself smugly drinking a beer on her couch with a timeless TGIF caption and respective hashtag.
“I love Fridays and people need to know that, to embrace that, I know that not everyone agrees but I’m putting myself out there!” Said Nicole Hall who after the picture was taken dumped the beer down the sink and entered into a 48 hour Netflix wormhole. Completely squandering said Friday and ensuing weekend. “Fridays are a big part of my personality.” she continued, seamlessly breezing over the absurdity in using a measurement of time passage as a personality trait.
Followers have found that Hall loves just about anything that even remotely resembles an opportunity to post on her favorite platform. With recent selfies celebrating flag day, reptile memorial day, jet pack day, sick day, drone surveillance appreciation day and Eugene Levy’s birthday among others.
As the onslaught of platitudes continue, followers remain vaguely uninterested by the perservance of posts and the ability to transform nearly any day into a celebratory selfie followed by obsessively analyzing likes.
Elmhurst, IL-Expressing gratitude for a lifetime of personal sacrifice and unwavering love is often manifested in the form of a cotton candy scented Yankee Candle. But this year one man living in a piece of shit Chicago suburb had other plans for Mother’s Day. Something unique, timeless and able to garner over twenty valuable likes on a given social media platform.
“Posted a pic of her on Instagram WITH a black and white filter,” said Phillip Biggins, with a look of excruciating contentment on his placid face. “I also did 500 words on how she made me the man I am today and how fucking sweet my life is right now. The only thing she has ever wanted in life is validation on a curated social media account in the form of likes from friends that have never met her,” continued Biggins scrolling through a swarm of completely identical Mother’s Day tributes.
When asked, Biggin’s mom confirmed she hadn’t seen the post, didn’t know what a post was, didn’t have an Instagram account and wasn’t aware what Instagram was or why she was being interviewed by a largely unknown surrealist culture blog in the first place.
“Oh yeah…did I mention the hand lotion from Bath & Body Works and the $20 Talbots gift card? #bestsonever #winningatlife #dadsandgrads” concluded Biggins huffing on his finger nails and polishing them against his popped collar, extra medium, Hollister shirt.
Hammond, IN-A couple who posted their customary soulless selfie, allegedly on another exotic vacation, has come under scrutiny from several Instagram followers. Though pointblank pictures of two swarming faces battling for real estate has become a mainstay in the account, this particular picture had an uncharacteristic glimpse of actual scenery. Nestled behind another indistinguishable close up of two smug faces was a rare hint of intrigue.
“I assumed I unfollowed them months ago, I guess the boredom ethered my brain into thinking it was just some sort of unavoidable sponsored content from LL Bean” said one follower scrolling without purpose.
“Something was different about this picture, it appeared as though they were actually at a tangible location…perhaps at one point even doing an activity,” said another follower indifferently.
Though the geotag boasted an already snooze worthy Caribbean bound Disney Cruise line, complete with Sleeping Beauty Honeymoon suite, the billowing chemical cloud and sewage ridden snow seen behind them suggested something far more mundane. The unmistakable signature of Hammond Indiana.
When asked, the couple admitted they had made a grave mistake by leaving even a morsel of the picture unmolested by their floating heads and that they were in fact in Hammond, touring the Lion’s Den: Midwest’s Largest Adult Bookstore & Lounge.