Chicago, IL-A Chicago resident bravely announced her New Year’s resolution to be more present, to her uninterested social media following through a flurry of dull Instagram posts. Though most people wouldn’t have the courage to commit to something which requires absolutely no accountability to a group of people who could care less, Sarah Kibby persisted.
“I make about 20 posts related to New Year’s, most of them are just variations of me wearing an adorbz festive tiara at a sparsely attended bar that you totally wish you were at, but at the end of the relentless onslaught of posts, I’ll announce my resolution,” said Kibby furiously scrutinizing her best nine generated Instagram pictures.
Her resolution this year is simple, be more present. To live more in the moment instead of obsessively creating mundane content for her social media outlets. In order to achieve this, she’ll be live broadcasting her entire journey, 24 hours a day.
Aloof followers will be treated to a live stream of her day with her narrating and analyzing every single action, as content reigns down on them like demon hell fire, they can at least find solace in the notion that Kibby is 100% more present.
Hammond, Indiana-Several Instagram followers were filled with an overwhelming sense of pride when a friend posted a picture of an object they just purchased on Instagram last week. “Just knowing that she is still capable of purchasing is a huge relief,” said one follower staring at lifeless object, somehow hypnotized by the boastful effigy of unbridled consumerism. Without this documentation of spending, it would be otherwise impossible to verify someone’s happiness.
Though the determination to purchase the item and the subsequent actual purchasing took under three minutes and contributed to a never ending cycle of acquisition, it is still unquestionably a feat worthy of celebration. And nothing is more jubilant than a picture of a stationery object. Pictures like these are what social media applications were built for, sterile receipts containing no humanity.
Even incorporating a person actually enjoying the purchase would compromise the otherwise tasteful and engaging picture of an object sitting in space. Simply stoic. Garnish with a self-satisfied caption, a shout out to the company that made it and several orgasmic hashtags describing how it’s the happiest day of your life and you’ll be poised to get four likes in no time.
Hobart, IN-A boomerang video of a child being born has compiled 19 views from horrified followers. In what is being called the official deathblow to the wonders of childbirth, the video loop of the child’s head rapidly popping in and out with a backdrop of Shape of You by Ed Sheeran, functioned as the official birth announcement for one social media savvy couple in Hobart Indiana.
“We’re always pushing the limits on social media, last week we did a duckface selfie from inside of the toilet of a porta-potty at a construction site! It was hilarious!” said Cameron Holloway while reviewing the additional SnapChat footage of the birth, which featured various his filtered facial reactions instead of the birth itself.
Other ingenious social media efforts by the couple include: a time lapse video of a 45 minute poop, placing the SnapChat flower crown filter on a deceased person at a funeral with the tagline TFW Skrillex drops the beat way too hard and an engagement proposal while riding the roller coaster, Top Thrill Dragster, at Cedar Point during a vacation to Sandusky Ohio.
As social media continues to evolve, the suffocating frequency and objective stupidity will drown the few simple joys left in life and leave us questioning the sanity of friends and family alike.
Deer Creek, IN-Concert footage taken from an Eddie Money cover band at a matinee show at Deer Creek has been deemed sadder than Manchester by the Sea. The footage was taken, and posted gleefully on social media, by someone you went to high school with that remains firmly planted in your home town like an old oak tree draped in Pacific Sun and slathered in Hooters buffalo sauce.
The grainy video, taken from a Samsung Galaxy S3, surfaced on Instagram and functioned as a beacon of contempt to anyone who questioned the state of that person’s life. Taken from 600 level seating, zoomed in enough to see hints of the Eddie Money cover band on one of the video screens, and ripe with boastful hashtags (#bestlife #blessed #somuchfun #livinthedream), the video purposed for envy, instead instilled sadness.
The pinnacle of the last decade for this person, distilled into a 12 second Instagram clip, was arguably more depressing than a back to back feature of Faces of Death and Manchester by the Sea.
Fort Wayne, IN-In an effort to, once and for all, prove to aloof digital aquintances that she in fact enjoys the start of the weekend, one Fort Wayne resident posted a zoomed in picture of herself smugly drinking a beer on her couch with a timeless TGIF caption and respective hashtag.
“I love Fridays and people need to know that, to embrace that, I know that not everyone agrees but I’m putting myself out there!” Said Nicole Hall who after the picture was taken dumped the beer down the sink and entered into a 48 hour Netflix wormhole. Completely squandering said Friday and ensuing weekend. “Fridays are a big part of my personality.” she continued, seamlessly breezing over the absurdity in using a measurement of time passage as a personality trait.
Followers have found that Hall loves just about anything that even remotely resembles an opportunity to post on her favorite platform. With recent selfies celebrating flag day, reptile memorial day, jet pack day, sick day, drone surveillance appreciation day and Eugene Levy’s birthday among others.
As the onslaught of platitudes continue, followers remain vaguely uninterested by the perservance of posts and the ability to transform nearly any day into a celebratory selfie followed by obsessively analyzing likes.
Elmhurst, IL-Expressing gratitude for a lifetime of personal sacrifice and unwavering love is often manifested in the form of a cotton candy scented Yankee Candle. But this year one man living in a piece of shit Chicago suburb had other plans for Mother’s Day. Something unique, timeless and able to garner over twenty valuable likes on a given social media platform.
“Posted a pic of her on Instagram WITH a black and white filter,” said Phillip Biggins, with a look of excruciating contentment on his placid face. “I also did 500 words on how she made me the man I am today and how fucking sweet my life is right now. The only thing she has ever wanted in life is validation on a curated social media account in the form of likes from friends that have never met her,” continued Biggins scrolling through a swarm of completely identical Mother’s Day tributes.
When asked, Biggin’s mom confirmed she hadn’t seen the post, didn’t know what a post was, didn’t have an Instagram account and wasn’t aware what Instagram was or why she was being interviewed by a largely unknown surrealist culture blog in the first place.
“Oh yeah…did I mention the hand lotion from Bath & Body Works and the $20 Talbots gift card? #bestsonever #winningatlife #dadsandgrads” concluded Biggins huffing on his finger nails and polishing them against his popped collar, extra medium, Hollister shirt.
Hammond, IN-A couple who posted their customary soulless selfie, allegedly on another exotic vacation, has come under scrutiny from several Instagram followers. Though pointblank pictures of two swarming faces battling for real estate has become a mainstay in the account, this particular picture had an uncharacteristic glimpse of actual scenery. Nestled behind another indistinguishable close up of two smug faces was a rare hint of intrigue.
“I assumed I unfollowed them months ago, I guess the boredom ethered my brain into thinking it was just some sort of unavoidable sponsored content from LL Bean” said one follower scrolling without purpose.
“Something was different about this picture, it appeared as though they were actually at a tangible location…perhaps at one point even doing an activity,” said another follower indifferently.
Though the geotag boasted an already snooze worthy Caribbean bound Disney Cruise line, complete with Sleeping Beauty Honeymoon suite, the billowing chemical cloud and sewage ridden snow seen behind them suggested something far more mundane. The unmistakable signature of Hammond Indiana.
When asked, the couple admitted they had made a grave mistake by leaving even a morsel of the picture unmolested by their floating heads and that they were in fact in Hammond, touring the Lion’s Den: Midwest’s Largest Adult Bookstore & Lounge.
Proving to people that you enjoy a universally adored beverage is almost impossible. A cumbersome task ripe with complexities and confusion. Telling someone that you enjoy coffee only elevates the suspicion. The consuming distrust and paranoia can be seen in the prying eyes of the skeptic. Actually drinking a cup only furthers the wariness. No…to defuse the deeply rooted belief held by the rest of humanity that you hate coffee, drastic measures must be taken.
The only way to pacify the situation and convince the world of the impossible is to post a flurry of dull Instagram pictures. With a mere weekly aerial style post you too can begin the crusade to convince the world that you love coffee. Posting a shot from above of a completely ordinary cup of coffee with the Reyes filter applied is the perfect way to courageously reinforce that you partake in a popular beverage. It also provides a unique and insightful view that is rarely experienced in our short time here on earth. A rare glimpse into the black soul of a beverage that we know very little about.
Most people never even get to experience seeing coffee from above as it is customarily syphoned from the bottom of the mug as a suppository. The valiant effort of providing inimitable photographs while simultaneously proving undying coziness and alignment with the general population should be applauded. #cozy #donttalktomebeforemycoffeelol #wineandcoffee #coffeesnuggles #lifeisgood
Artist: Far East Movement
Download: I refuse to willingly spread this mixtape, thus will not provide the URL it can be found on datpiff.com if you want to be severely annoyed.
You know those pictures on Facebook and Instagram that are brimming with a false sense of pride? The ones that are meant to be a testament to how undeniably awesome the person’s recent happenings are. The pictures that often use #winning or #perfection but when looked deeper into you gain this odd sense of wretchedness and melancholy. You notice the 1 or 2 likes when the person was clearly anticipating at least 15-20. You see a guilt induced comment left by someone tagged in the photo. You notice that their dream vacation as they labeled #perfection is in fact a scum ridden Disney Cruise, or #perfection as a 5 for under 500 calories meal at Applebees. No filter can make that meal look good. That is what this new album reminds me of. It tries incredibly hard, but is just bad.
Far East Movement does its best Baauer impression on the first song, longing for that catchiness for that x factor that made the song viral but coming up miles short. The rest of the album is a busy blundering mess that gives me anxiety to listen to. If you like having anxiety I would certainly recommend downloading this.