Top 5 things I saw at Lollapalooza after drinking a 5th of Malibu rum out of a sausage casing

Chance the rapper eating avocado toast-Chance the Rapper proved once again that he can do no wrong as thousands of rabid fans witnessed a 4 hour performance which involved him eating a piece of avocado toast, digesting it, and shitting it out, with impeccable accuracy, into a can of Pamplemousse La Croix. All the while his band ripped through an EDM version of Despacito an unprecedented 150 times. Crowd members who had mistaken urinal cakes for giant Molly pills collapsed and openly wept. Those in attendance called it a modern day miracle and noted that no other performance could so accurately represent an entire generation.

PornHub sponsored Porta Potties-In an effort to increase wait times at porta potties, Lollapalooza and Pornhub partnered to birth the Porna Potty. Every porta potty was crudely retrofitted with a VR headset and a communal ball of Vaseline. Guests could SEAMLESSLY upgrade to a Brazzers premium account by tapping their officially licensed Lollapalooza fidget spinner credit card against one of the sweaty walls of the sickening sex dens. Lollapalooza is considering converting the entirety of the festival to a more porn and toilet forward format next year. A pink eye epidemic has since consumed the city.

Drone petting zoo-Anyone looking to take a quick break from the music could enter a majestic drone habitat in which thousands of drones were available to pet or feed tiny grain pellets to. Guests stared in awe at the blinking red lights of the drones as they suspiciously recorded footage for whatever sick fuck was flying them. The tiny zoo was conveniently located next to the lollapalooza lost and found where guests could root around in a giant box of fingers in an attempt to find one of similar length and girth to the one they just had severed by one of the drone propellers.

Vape charging station-Catering to those in attendance, all cell phone charging stations were replaced with vape charging stations. Because nothing else matters in this world if you can’t blow a huge fucking plume at a festival.

DJ Khalid cover band played the entire Emoji Movie soundtrack-The DJ Khalid cover band took their iPod shuffles on a WALK Sunday at 3:30 a.m. Twelve overweight dudes wearing velour track suits and wielding synched up iPod shuffles…blasted out banger after banger! No one could have anticipated them pressing play at the same time and letting the entirety of the Emoji Movie soundtrack playout. A true treat for any real EDM fans!

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