Chicago, IL-An overdetailed work from home request that would have otherwise been promptly ignored, drew attention from several employees after noticing the graphic recounting of what had transpired to make the work from home a necessity.
“I ate a bowl of clam chowder that a homeless man offered me while I was trying to score some biker speed from a mutant ostrich under the overpass, long story short, I was puking out of my butt for twenty four straight hours, it’s all detailed in my work from home request if you reference that,” said Todd Mitchell, bringing up the calendar invite he had sent which details the happening in gruesome detail for the rest of his coworkers.
The calendar invitation was over 300 words long and contained pictures and illustrations of the toilet, which looked like a crime scene. All in an effort to validate a work from home that really needed no validation.
“I ended up describing everything in as much detail as possible, because a lot of people probably don’t really know what I mean when I say “shitting myself like the world was coming to an end”, hopefully they understand now,” continued Mitchell, comfortably watching The Price is Right for the third time.
Chicago, IL-On Monday, an employee who had spent Sunday like his last day on earth, decided to forego taking PTO and just gut it out. Bottomless mimosas at brunch had evolved into a flurry of Old Crow Whiskey shots and finally culminated in a goat shaped nitrous balloon and the butt bonging of a 24oz 120 minute IPA. But instead of taking a suspicious sick day or using a coveted PTO, Bill Naquin did something that will live in tedious corporate infamy until roughly Q4 of 2019.
“I figured that if I dug deep enough, I could find the courage to sit in a stationary position and stare at the blinking cursor of a word document for seven and a half hours,” said Naquin, recognizing that the task at hand wasn’t too much different from his normal daily routine.
Naquin’s ability to endure severe hangovers and remain continually ineffective at his job have landed him firmly in the world of corporate anonymity, as managers have noted his admirable adherence to the mantra: 90% of the job is just showing up.
“People should be really happy I legged this one out today, was touch and go for a while there after I skidded up my boxers while eating Panda Express. That cleanup ate up nearly half of the day! People seemed genuinely happy I was there though,” continued Naquin looking satisfyingly at an inbox full of unanswered emails, his coworkers looking on in horror at the sagging heap of skin crammed into the ergonomically correct desk chair.
The thirty seconds spent in an elevator with the coworker that you’ve spent the last 3 years painstakingly growing to tolerate is the first ingredient toward any successful office panic attack. Because most days are spent in a ruthless game of calendar cat and mouse, as meetings are made and cancelled, double booked, or mysteriously vanish, all in an effort to drink in another moment of solitude, being held hostage in the confines of a steel gondola is less than ideal.
As you stand there hopelessly staring at your phone or the screen on the elevator wall displaying a TMZ story that broke a decade ago, you realize that the excruciating silence that accompanies trying to find a vague platitude to discuss is making your eyes bleed. However, in a moment of mundane clarity, you realize that a conversation about what day of the week it is may just be dull enough to satisfy the insatiable need for irrelevant noise.
….Tuesday huh? Heh
Oh yeah it is DEFINITELY Tuesday!
Yep…crazy that it’s Tuesday!
I know! Better than Monday though!
For sure…but I wish it was Friday!
Oh…Friday would be nice!
Working for the weekend!
The elevator doors mercifully open and both parties recede back into glorious silence.