Guy in office kitchen staring into microwave wondering if his head would take the same amount of time to cook as his low fat Lean Cuisine

Rockford, IL-On Tuesday, a man staring longingly into the microwave during his allotted 25 minute lunchbreak, which was taken dutifully at his desk, began wondering whether or not he could fit his head into the microwave and if it would take more or less time to cook than his low-fat glazed turkey tenderloin Lean Cuisine.

Two minutes and thirty seconds was sufficient to reanimate the glacier like fragments of abused turkey meat, flanked by a first harvest vegetable medley, which was comparable in virility to the sagging face and balding head of the employee, but the presence of bones could provide difficulty for the decade old office microwave.

Just as the prospect began to seem feasible and, alarmingly enough, more pleasant than a return to his desk, the microwave rang…signifying that, the cardboard nutrition that would fuel him through another day of baseless meetings and vague incompetencies, was ready for consumption.

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Man, who sends emails marked high importance at work, does everything in life ASAP

5-12-2015 12-11-29 PM

A man who admitted to sending emails marked with the “High Importance” exclamation point has now confirmed that he does everything in life ASAP, and all of it is more important than whatever you’re doing. Confusion around the existence of the “High Importance” outlook functionality has been on the rise, given that most people with jobs can determine the importance of an email without an orange exclamation point designation. This and the fact that if something actually was critical, it would likely warrant more than a passive aggressive email.

Nonetheless some people continue to flag every email they send with this exclamation, maintaining that every convoluted demand certainly belongs at the top of your inbox. This type of relentless urgency often bleeds into home life, as is the case with Peter Wicklow, Cloud Targeting Advanced Brand Automation salesman based in San Francisco.

“My entire life is ASAP,” says Wicklow furiously and inefficiently pecking away at his keyboard. “Everything can be done ASAP, if not ASAP than certainly EOB, and if not EOB than certainly EOD!” he continues with a nervous giggle. All other aspects in his life strictly adhere to this mantra of haste. Rarely spending more than 5 minutes on anything, giving him a perceived feeling of productivity though nothing is actually being accomplished.

The brevity of his rare sexual interactions with his wife are unprecedented.

“I learn most of my behavior from Celebrity Apprentice reruns,” he whines “Those are true luminaries, you think Omarosa got to where she is sending normal emails?! My initiatives shall prevail, or be prepared for a follow up FIRST thing in the morning.”

Meanwhile Wicklow’s marriage is failing and his emails continue to be promptly ignored.

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