Outraged protesters maintain Brendan Fraser is the one and only Rick O’Connell

Los Angeles, CA-A sea of protesters enveloping the entirety of Los Angeles has officially turned violent according to sources. What was originally thought to be a protest involving either the corrupt nature of our current government administration, extensive gender inequality, institutional racism, or the systematic destruction of our plant, actually turned out to be a demonstration advocating the return of Brenden Frazer to the Mummy franchise.

In what is being called the largest protest ever recorded, nearly a third of the entire country migrated to Los Angeles to advocate the fair treatment of Brendan Fraser. According to protesters, the previously listed issues are trivial at best and generally have no impact on the human race as a whole. Whereas tainting a staple in American history like The Mummy franchise could have lasting emotional and physical effects on the country.

“Just put him back in the damn movie,” said one protester wearing a prosthetic that made his lower half appear like a scorpion. “The other stuff don’t matter, you think we have time to deal with that shit while the glorious name of The Mummy gets tarnished! I voted for Trump to prevent this shit!” he continued adjusting his Bluetooth headset.

As the protests wage on, solace can be found in America’s ability to create a united front against oppressive and imperative issues threatening to derail humanity.

A burning bush that Mike Pence has been telling his secrets to gets hacked

Washington, D.C.-The hits keep coming for Vice President Mike Pence, who was discovered to have been using a private email server that was hacked during his time as the Indiana Governor. This morning it was reported that the burning bush he routinely seeks counsel from and tells secrets to has also been compromised.

Pence’s Secret Service agents confirmed that Pence has been despondent and in seclusion after discovering the bush they have been covering in gasoline and setting ablaze behind the Whitehouse had somehow been hacked. “I didn’t think it was possible, not to my fortune-telling burning bush, you think Moses had to deal with this shit!” screamed Pence in visible agony knowing that allowing his coveted bush to get hacked would certainly result in eternal damnation.

No one is quite certain what the Vice President is referring to when he says the bush has been hacked, as it is an inanimate object, and the gasoline fumes from the bush have been causing some erratic behavior, but none the less Pence seems convinced that his top advisor has turned on him.

“We are all at risk, the immense power this bush wields could be in the wrong hands, it knows all of my secrets and it will not hesitate to use them against me,” continued Pence, fully nude and crouched in a corner in his office.

Government officials continue to begrudgingly investigate the occurrence.

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