Uber driver who just started sentence with “I’m not racist…but,” almost certainly racist

Chicago, IL-An Uber driver with an unwilling audience trapped in the confines of his 2003 Chevy Malibu just dropped the “but” heard round the world. The passengers had been subject to several other uninteresting stories which passed with relative passivity, more or less exposing a somewhat sad life that paired perfectly with the scent of wet dog and cigarettes plaguing the soiled cloth interior of the car.

Though just as the riders settled into what they believed to be a 15 minute penance of mundanity, the Uber driver figured that because they had entered into a contract in which he drove them to a certain location in exchange for payment, it was the perfect time to unveil some deep seated racism.

“You know, I’m not a racist,” the Uber driver muttered, glancing in the rearview mirror seeking some type of conciliatory eye contact, the passengers braced themselves for the atrocity that was surely coming, the horrific amending qualifier that would cause one passenger to swallow his entire fist and the other to recite the entire script to the movie Last Vegas in ancient Hebrew.

“But,” said the cab driver before launching into a lunatic story in which race should have been completely irrelevant. The statement prior to the qualifier obviously making him exempt from any kind of judgement, as, if someone audibly states they are not racist, it gives them free reign to spew hatred at will.

The ride mercifully ended at some point or another, the driver fell asleep, like every other night, alone to the laugh track of Last Man Standing with a 5th of Vodka and a tear soaked pillow.

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Racists scramble to construct new statue of Tim Allen in highway median to protect white heritage

Rockford, IL-In a panicked effort to uphold some perverse interpretation of something being called white heritage, which its existence in itself is baffling, inbred families and mutant friends alike gathered to erect a statue of Tim Allen within the confines of a highway median on the outskirts of Rockford.

The monument will be constructed from expired deli meat, bandages, Bluetooth headsets, unpaid credit card bills and DVDs. Vaseline and goat semen will be used as adhesive to hold the sagging structure in place. It will be surrounded by an above ground pool, which reverant bigots are encouraged to take a malnourished dump in for good luck before wading through the filth of their ancestors in order to kiss the discarded toenails that make the feet of the structure.

The monument is said to serve as a beacon for racists everywhere, a guardian of inequality, a visual manifestation of the sadness they stand for and the fundamental ability to crawl around in the hateful poops laid in above ground pool by like-minded idiots.