Chicago, IL-On Tuesday, a man was seen standing obediently in the exit aisle of a CTA car like a stupid fucking hound waiting for an owner that would never return home. Outgoing passengers wrestled with the heaving mound of flesh before being birthed to freedom and glancing back in anger at the person gazing lifelessly into their iPhone, but the inconvenience of other passengers was of no concern to this very good boy who waited patiently by the door…stop after stop.
“Nothing will make you feel more alive than the stale air of a train platform hitting your face as the doors open, nor the feel of someone struggling against you to get off the train before the doors close, and most importantly, the happiness of your owner as you greet him at the door after a long day,” said Terry Naquin, visibly a human but somehow inheriting the intelligence and demeanor of a goddamn inbred dog.
With nothing better to do in life than perpetually riding a train, waiting to deliver a pair of slippers and a newspaper to a fictitious owner, this loyal old mutt will ruin train rides daily until he’s finally shipped off to “live happily ever after on a farm” somewhere.
Chicago, IL-A guy riding the CTA on Monday morning was spotted proudly wearing his big boy backpack. Originally thought to be an enormous goiter, because of his inability or refusal to place the object on the ground where it belonged, turned out to be a Jansport backpack filled to the brim with an outdated Encyclopedia Britannica edition.
“My mom wakes me up, wipes the dribble from my chin, then uses the same tissue to wipe my butt first thing in the morning, then she fireman carries me down the stairs and feeds me coco puffs, then she packs my backpack up nice and tight and lets me ride the train all day long!” said Colin Cummings, an object of hatred for everyone riding the train.
Cummings, a 35 year old strip club DJ intern of 10 years, says that wearing his enormous backpack on the train has given him the confidence he needs to DJ matinee sets at Industrial Strip in Hammond Indiana every other Tuesday. “When I wear my backpack I’m the center of attention, just like at the strip club! I see the ladies staring!” continued Cummings swaying obliviously.
Cummings existence remains an inconvenience for humanity as a whole, who can only find solace knowing that he’ll likely die alone and have a sparsely attended funeral.