New company will ship clothes right to your door that still won’t get you laid

Chicago, IL-A new men’s fashion company, which will undoubtedly haunt any inch of available ad space during leisurely browsing sessions, has promised men everywhere that if they sign up for their hourly, curated clothing delivery service, they will for sure get laid…by CHICKS. That’s right, anyone who signs up for a five year subscription with Secret Man Club is guaranteed to either get laid OR beat off alone during the five year span.

“Being a member of the Secret Man Club gives you all the confidence of someone who owns a timeshare in Myrtle Beach,” said owner Chaz Tipton selecting a batch of idiotic looking pocket squares to send out to clients.

The five year span of hourly deliveries equates to approximately 43,800 pieces of useless garbage that someone less fortunate suffered to create, the perfect gift for that person in your life that loves being caught in the crippling spiral of consumerism and the prescription of clothing comparable to a parent dressing an incompetent child.

“We get feedback all the time from the hordes of desperate gremlins wearing suit coats, deep V-necks, jeans, and those brilliant square toed loafers, lurking in the shadows of bars before going home alone and tugging one out into one of our bespoke tissues,” continued Tipton sipping a freshly poured Redbull and vodka.

Secret Man Club only costs $100 a day, so neglect your well-being and loved ones and sign up today.

Man’s dry spell firmly intact with new Trunk Club outfit

Wabash, Indiana-Nothing seemed amiss last Wednesday when a man came into the office wearing a straw fedora, paisley sport coat, high water selvedge denim jeans and wing tip shoes with no show socks. His former standard outfit comprised of a pair of soiled khaki pants, a thinning, slightly undersized Mossimo collared shirt and a pair of skin-toned Skechers. But the stylist at Trunk Club made a seamless transition to the desperately sought after “Asshole 8-year-old uncomfortably jammed into a hand me down suit for Easter Sunday” look. Totally natural. A perfect representation of personality. Not unnatural or forced in the least.

“Before Trunk Club, it didn’t look like I was trying at all, so it feels really good now to look like I’m trying way too hard,” said Phillip Biggins picking an excruciating wedgie from the ruthless selvedge tearing into his ring piece. The stylist assured him the break in period for the jeans would only be 5-6 years and totally worth it.

“Stylistically I wasn’t sure who I was…but Trunk Club made me realize that at my core, I’m really just a middle-aged man, channeling a twenty two year old stylist, channeling their perception of a person in their mid-30s who may or may not be stylish…It feels great to finally have an identity” continued Biggins, voice muffled under the Pashmina scarf his stylist advised him to wear in the middle of June.

Though the stylist insists that a $200 floral pocket square is the key to any successful Tinder date, Biggins sorrowful dry spell wages on, predictably impervious to the thousands spent on luxury clothing.

Brian Spaly is the CEO and founder of Trunk Club and was pictured in the companies headquarters in downtown Chicago on April 16, 2013.