Lifetime channel presents: Married at First Glory Hole

Hobart, Indiana-Lifetime channel has been answering the questions that absolutely no one is asking about for the last decade. Questions like: Will someone desperate enough for marginal reality television fame go through with an inconsequential wedding with someone they’ve never seen before? and Where is the brink of human loneliness? Everyone assumed that Married at First Sight answered these, but apparently the human condition is far more depraved than originally anticipated.

Married at First Glory Hole is a new Lifetime original series which documents two complete strangers whose only interactions occur through a glory hole carved into a bathroom at a Long John Silvers in Northern Indiana. Over 14 weeks the two will navigate the complicated and death defying dance that people experience when flirting with the idea of putting their junk through a crudely fashioned glory hole.

Lifetime will provide glory hole experts to help the perspective couple along the way, with counseling sessions and advice to boot. In the final episode, if true love exists, there is the option to stick your finger through the hole and receive an engagement ring from the other party and a bathroom attendant will marry them on the spot.

Will it be a finger through the hole in the end or something else? Could a bathroom in Northern Indiana be the perfect place to meet and date someone? Find out on Married at First Glory Hole, premiering next week after reruns of Did I Shard Myself?


Discovery Channel new special “Captured Alive” involving Pokemon

Discovery Channel has issued an official apology statement involving “Eaten Alive”, admitting that the previews and build up were misleading given that after two hours of watching all we saw was a mildly aroused man, heavily breathing and rubbing against a snake. No one was ever actually eaten alive. But the network promises they have something new in the works, something very…very real.

Captured Alive will feature Paul Rosolie being captured by a Poké Ball, a device that trainers use to trap rare creatures called Pokemon. “We admit that Eaten Alive was impossible, it was a ratings trap, the possibilities are endless with this new one though. It will be very real…he will be captured.” said Discovery Channel representative Bill Biscane. “Can you imagine scientifically what this might mean for humanity? Discovering…the trials and tribulations of what it’s like to be a Pokemon existing in one of these balls?” he added with a gleam in his eye.

Discovery Channel has hired a 12 year old boy who claims to be a professional Pokemon “trainer” to perform the capture. “I couldn’t imagine being captured by someone more prestigious, he beat Pokemon Red in 12 hours, and he took gorgeous pictures of Snorlax in Pokemon Snap…so we know he’s damn good.” said Paul Rosolie.

The show’s duration is expected to be right at 4 hours.