Chicago, IL-An Uber driver with an unwilling audience trapped in the confines of his 2003 Chevy Malibu just dropped the “but” heard round the world. The passengers had been subject to several other uninteresting stories which passed with relative passivity, more or less exposing a somewhat sad life that paired perfectly with the scent of wet dog and cigarettes plaguing the soiled cloth interior of the car.
Though just as the riders settled into what they believed to be a 15 minute penance of mundanity, the Uber driver figured that because they had entered into a contract in which he drove them to a certain location in exchange for payment, it was the perfect time to unveil some deep seated racism.
“You know, I’m not a racist,” the Uber driver muttered, glancing in the rearview mirror seeking some type of conciliatory eye contact, the passengers braced themselves for the atrocity that was surely coming, the horrific amending qualifier that would cause one passenger to swallow his entire fist and the other to recite the entire script to the movie Last Vegas in ancient Hebrew.
“But,” said the cab driver before launching into a lunatic story in which race should have been completely irrelevant. The statement prior to the qualifier obviously making him exempt from any kind of judgement, as, if someone audibly states they are not racist, it gives them free reign to spew hatred at will.
The ride mercifully ended at some point or another, the driver fell asleep, like every other night, alone to the laugh track of Last Man Standing with a 5th of Vodka and a tear soaked pillow.
Hammond, Indiana-A hangover that seemed like a manageable affair on initial onset has, within the confines of a twenty minute Uber ride, transformed into a terrifying examination of mortality and panic. The waves of nausea were angry that day, but nothing stirs the rotting excess in the belly of the beast like a 2005 Honda Civic with the heat blasting.
That and a driver who is hard-pitching a low-risk investment in his 3D printing company, are everything needed to consider the prospect of quietly passing away in the stained cloth seats without having made the slightest impact on the world.
The hangover swells to maximum strength as the driver asks about voting preferences right before admitting that a wall between the United States and Mexico may not be the worst thing in the world. Completely oblivious to the jaundiced insect, squirming helplessly for a position that will make it all go away. Its face suggests retching its misguided hopes and dreams with bile and gin, yet it suffers through one word replies, unable to seem impolite. But this hangover is beyond a simple vomit.
Night terrors. Unnatural tingling. A distinct faintness sets in and it becomes uncertain whether or not vital organs will remain intact or disintegrate into the floor with the uncanny amount of white dog hair. The 10 IPA’s drank last night may as well have been neglected Jacuzzi water out of a used condom. A steady sweat sits in and the gum being chewed transforms into vodka soaked aluminum foil.
Only 5-minutes have passed in a 20-minute ride and there’s no certainty of another solid bowel movement for the remainder of the year.
Uber has announced that the entity that controls surge pricing around the country is comprised solely of high school math teachers. “Surge pricing is triggered whenever one or more person in a city is on the Uber application. Given surge regularity, we decided to utilize a group of people that excel in distributing tedious math functions that are otherwise useless in everyday life.” Said snickering Uber representative Alec Dubois-Vachon as he raised his finger with a mustache tattooed on it over his upper lip.
The strategy is rooted in mental anguish and disorientation, creating confusion around whether or not an uberX with surge pricing is cheaper than a normal cab. The torment of such banal math ultimately exhausts the potential customer into settling for the marginally more expensive option. Take for example trying to get home on a temperate afternoon. First your confronted with the inexplicable surge pricing, it’s 1:00 p.m. on a Saturday and according to the map there is a hornets nest of uberX drivers waiting to swarm. While wrestling with this notion you’re bombarded with a 1.275X surge charge sending your brain into a complete tailspin.
“The attention span required to solve such a math equation is around 4 seconds, you add in the initial frustration of the mystifying surge pricing and you’re looking at 2 seconds tops before folding.” Furthered Dubois-Vachon, still hiding behind his mustache tattooed finger.
The strategy of disheartening users into a sale is yet another genius ploy by a company that can do no wrong.