Hollywood, CA-The swimsuit portion of the Miss America competition has been euthanized, but the rest of the jaundiced, dying mess unfortunately remains on life support in a piss soaked hospital bed. It’s withered skeleton only able to haunt us with arbitrary programming and a title more meaningless than a degree from University of Phoenix. Queen of rot. Savior of disposable content. Crown of goddamn leaking Tide Pods.
The swimsuit portion of the show has been replaced by a lively debate section in which contestants exchange taking ten second pulls from a canister of keyboard duster and then debate whether or not a giant computer is screaming the words laurel or yanny. The new addition is said to be an enormous leap for humanity.
“We’re not fucking animals here, sure we’ll still be casting out rash judgements of women based on looks and a couple of idiotic questions, but at least now with the duster portion, we’ll be far more accurate and civilized,” said a waiter from Cracker Barrel who once served Randy Jackson and is now considered an infallible voice in the judgement of women.
As the event draws ever nearer, millions of Americans in soiled skid marked sweatpants will gather around their TVs to huff duster with their favorite contestants. Still objectifying people, but just in a different way.
Cincinnati, Ohio-In an effort to preserve one of humanity’s most delicate and rare assets, the Cincinnati zoo has agreed to slaughter two giant pandas and replace them with the Walmart Yodel Kid, who will perform for zoo attendees if thrown the correct amount of petting zoo food.
“At a certain point we as humans have to shift to preserving what’s truly important, this was one of the easier decisions we’ve ever made” said head zookeeper Alphonso Knudson, blindfolding the pandas and preparing them for death by firing squad comprised of the zoo’s top donors.
An entire species can be forgotten if they can’t yodel in front of a bunch of drooling, phone wielding assholes at a goddamn rats nest in northern Indiana. The bastard child of Simon Cowell’s deadbeat second cousin. Someone born for a CBS reality show destined to fail.
“Prepare yourself you bastards!” yelled Knudson as the bullets rained down on the pandas and they fell to their anticlimactic death to the cheers of blood thirsty onlookers.
Rockford, IL-When the crew from America’s Got Talent came to Rockford, they expected very little from the city known best for its Tilted Kilt franchise. It’s also referred to adoringly by locals as the Gary of Illinois. But as auditions commenced, Heidi, Simon, Howie and Mel B were impressed by most of the acts that functioned as a perfect representation of Middle America: A guy attempting to and failing to wipe his ass for 45 seconds, a woman doing a whole can of duster and eating a 12 oz. Yankee Candle, a masturbating ostrich…all received standing ovations.
But one act stood out in particular…and in the end got the golden buzzer from Howie sending him directly to the live finale. The tear jerking act that united a country involved a man of undetermined age in clown makeup shuffling onto stage silently wearing a diaper made of burlap. He stood as the judges made terrible clown puns as the audience laughed hysterically.
No sooner had the laughter stopped, the clown began to sing an acapella version of Taylor Swift’s smash hit “Shake it Off.” During the song several fits of noticeable and violent diarrhea rendered the clown a crumpled mess on the stage, but he persevered. During the final note the clown stuffed a pigeon into a beer bottle and swallowed it whole before breaking into tears along with audience members.
“This is what makes this show…unlike…anything on T.V.!” proclaimed Howie aghast.
“I didn’t like it…..I LOVED it!” shouted Simon while Mel B and Heidi wept openly next to him.
Just as the clown was going to get the approval necessary for the next round, Howie stood up and to the joy of the crowd pushed the Golden Buzzer, sending the clown to the live finale and ending his life.