Guy in office kitchen staring into microwave wondering if his head would take the same amount of time to cook as his low fat Lean Cuisine

Rockford, IL-On Tuesday, a man staring longingly into the microwave during his allotted 25 minute lunchbreak, which was taken dutifully at his desk, began wondering whether or not he could fit his head into the microwave and if it would take more or less time to cook than his low-fat glazed turkey tenderloin Lean Cuisine.

Two minutes and thirty seconds was sufficient to reanimate the glacier like fragments of abused turkey meat, flanked by a first harvest vegetable medley, which was comparable in virility to the sagging face and balding head of the employee, but the presence of bones could provide difficulty for the decade old office microwave.

Just as the prospect began to seem feasible and, alarmingly enough, more pleasant than a return to his desk, the microwave rang…signifying that, the cardboard nutrition that would fuel him through another day of baseless meetings and vague incompetencies, was ready for consumption.


Man blurts out meaning of life, promptly realizes phone is on mute

During the routine, four hour daily status meeting in which most of the items are inapplicable to the majority of aloof attendees something profound happened. Or rather it is speculated that something profound may or may not have happened. As the endless list of irresolvable tasks was reaching its climax, one remote employee blurted out the universal meaning of life when asked about an upcoming imaginary deadline. Unfortunately following several seconds of silence and an annoyed voice asking if his phone was on mute, he realized the inevitable.

“The insufferable monotony triggered something from deep within me, for one moment I experienced absolute clarity…and just like that it was gone. I’ll never remember what I said that day.” said Greg Campbell whose phone was on mute because he was fielding the call from the confines of his bathroom. The group was undoubtedly happy to bypass the meaning of life if it meant they didn’t have to hear whatever else was taking place in that bathroom.

“I did the only thing I could at that point, unmuted my phone and absently agreed that the new deadlines were acceptable even though they weren’t.” continued Campbell, firing off confused emails demanding an explanation for the change in deadline. The clumsy agreement passed, disregarded like everything else discussed in the meeting.

It remains uncertain whether Campbell was supposed to be in that particular meeting or if he works at the office at all.