One Tie All Tie

Gravity 3D

Movie: Gravity
Rating: 4.5/5.0

My skepticism couldn’t have been any greater when I heard there was a movie set in space, and I didn’t see Aerosmith anywhere on the soundtrack. Only Steven Tyler can capture what it’s like to blow a meteor to smithereens, killing yourself but simultaneously saving the one person you love most. He’s been there. Anyone who wept during Armageddon (which was everyone)…it was because of Steven Tyler.

The absence of Steve Buscemi and Billy Bob Thornton only increased the crippling uncertainty. How could this film not  follow this simple recipe for a successful space movie? It surely then must have a scene where Sandra Bullock screams “UP YOURS!” while strategically piloting her aircraft into the one weak point in an invading alien spacecraft. Or at the very least joined in a solid pod race or two.  It had none of these.

After several cocktails I finally worked up enough courage to attend Gravity 3D, at the very least I could sleep off the booze behind the cover of inane looking 3D glasses.

I couldn’t have been more wrong. They should have used Xanax butter on the popcorn and distributed syringes filled to the brim with camomile it would have been more suiting than stale snow caps, in one of the stressful movies I’ve seen in the past decade. I mean that in the best way. Disorienting, cold and absolutely terrifying at moments. They could have cast absolutely anyone and it would have still been gorgeously engaging, In fact the entire movie could be digested as a silent film. I literally kept forgetting I was in a movie theater. (though was pleasantly reminded by the copious amounts of gum bombs and a feeling like I had been rubbing a Big Mac on my face after leaving.)

I felt like the movie seat was a vice grip crushing my perpetually bouncing knee and my fingernails looked like binding on a ripped out piece of notebook paper. At one point Sandra Bullock’s tear floats over the crowd and you can all but taste its saltiness. In fact I think I recall seeing a pervert in sweatpants actually opening his mouth trying to catch that magic  elixir.

A hypnotizing ring piece clenching journey, especially in 3D.