Chicago, IL-The newest way to spend money that you don’t have in order to generate Instagram content and spare yourself from any type of self-reflection or original thought is officially here! Escape Hole is the newest player, in the luxury, leisure self-confinement industry. But unlike other escape rooms in which guests are forced to solve ill-conceived riddles with coworkers and family members they find tolerable, Escape Hole is the first ever solo escape room.
Guests are locked in a tiny room, containing only a baby pool filled to the brim with a combination of Heinz Mayonnaise, 2% milk and your choice of scented or unscented Vaseline. The room itself has a variety of burlap lined holes and crevices, each unnaturally small, for the person to strip down and try and birth through.
Unlike other escape rooms, you’ll feel the crushing paranoia of having to probe and prod the different crevices to find out which one you can desperately cram your flesh into to ooze out the other side.
But there is light at the end of the tunnel! If you escape successfully, your greased and scratched body will be spewed into the adjoining Fuddruckers where you can enjoy a heaving burger with other lonely, pathetic participants.
Glencoe, IL-In a desperate attempt to salvage another floundering Tinder date, one man tempted fate with a gutsy albeit savvy move. Something that according to Drone Enthusiast Quarterly, everyone woman craves. In some obscure circles it has even been considered the greatest peacock to ever exist…slyly dropping a certified drone piloting license while picking up half of the bill.
“The date wasn’t going great, I had to find an in, something universally relatable to any woman, then it hit me…recreational and semi-professional drone usage,” said Terry Adkins, scrolling through some unremarkable aerial footage from a singular vantage point in Rockford Illinois. The city appearing as all cities do when filmed directly overhead.
“It was really tasteful, very classy, I suggested splitting the bill like I always do, but as I was pulling out my cash, my drone piloting license accidentally fell on the table…looked totally natural,” continued Adkins, recounting the incident fondly.
Though the incident could have sympathetically ended there, as most dates do. Adkins insisted on a choreographed drone demonstration right outside the bar, something that would capture her heart and an aerial view of the top of her head. But before the majestic mating ritual could commence, the drone flew directly into Adkins genitals.
As he lay screaming in agony his drone ascended into the clouds above and his date stared up with a sense of longing.
Hammond, IN-Realizing America’s obsession with subscription services and willingness to consume whatever filler is crammed into their sagging skin, one company has come up with an game-changing idea that could revolutionize the way we consume and produce waste.
In order to satisfy the need to buy absolute fucking garbage from swarming Facebook ads, Widget Inc. has created a subscription service that will deliver a heaving box of trash directly to a rarely used closet in your house, and then will pick that box up a month later and dump the contents directly into the Pacific Ocean. The box contains all sorts of items that exist for the sole purpose of giving incompetent marketing teams something to do.
The only thing more powerful than the will to needlessly consume, is the will to promote, to create as much noise as possible until a fever pitch is reached and someone with a broken will and a dull enough life makes the purchase.
The subscription is only $29.99 a month and even comes with a premium subscription to a streaming service where users can watch their waste fester, destroy wildlife and even become part of the Pacific Northwest trash vortex! So buy more shit now!
Mundelein, IL-An area woman who has been spewing her uninteresting consciousness onto Instagram for unfortunate followers to lap up and occasionally give an obligatory “like” to in an effort to maintain a dwindling friendship, has come under fire after followers realized there was virtually no difference in her daily “vibes” posts.
In order to fill the momentary gap in which there is absolutely nothing else to announce, share, react to, or offer an ill-informed opinion on, one woman has resorted to posting a flurry of heavily filtered selfies with indeterminable, albeit emotionless expressions accompanied by thoughtless captions like “Friday Vibes.”
Followers became suspicious after every single day of the week’s vibe appeared identical, raising concern whether or not the person is a computer program attempting to convince the world it was human.
“People deserve to know what I’m feeling! Even if it’s literally nothing at all!” said the woman passively scrolling through an endless world of meaningless content.
(This in no way reflects the person below who vehemently opposes vibez pics, tho the picture was just too perfect not to use)
Hammond, IN-The Mighty Bits junior soccer team, currently ranked dead last in the 6-8 year old division, disappointed their loyal following yet again on Saturday after being left for dead by the Mini Cobras on a neglected soccer field in rural Indiana. Parents with hopes of someday seeing their kid get cut from a JV soccer team senior year in high school and never play soccer again, wept openly on the sidelines as the oranges they provided as sustenance at halftime somehow made the team even more sluggish.
The flood of sugar and acid on an empty stomach combined with the mouthful of ever thickening, unswallowable spit that an orange provides should have theoretically been enough to overcome the 10 goal halftime deficit, but most of the Mighty Bits team was left washing their sticky hands and faces with the tears of defeat after the opposition scored another 10 goals after half.
Several disinterested children received warnings from concerned parents after the match reached a it’s merciful conclusion. The parents informed players that the college scout at the game, which turned out to be merely a feral dog consumed with rabies, saw their terrible performance and would probably never give them an imaginary scholarship offer to play soccer at University of Phoenix online.
Some parents speculate that had Mrs. Connors splurged on the organic oranges, the results may have been vastly different. Several guests in attendance were taken to the hospital after being bitten by the apparent college scout.
When it comes to being a brooding, wildly misunderstood “sensitive hardass,” Vin Diesel is unrivaled. There may not be another in existence actually. Sure, at times it seems like it’s a robot struggling to learn human emotion and maybe some of his lines are delivered with the vigor and pronunciation of Sylvester Stallone after a swift blow from a sock full of quarters. But it’s that type of uncompromising nonchalance has earned him the right to have a kind of gasoline as his last name. How does one become a ruthless badass while still abiding by a complex moral compass? How can you be the most extreme man on the planet while also basing every single decision on family loyalty? How can you invoke both terror and tears?
Having a shaved head and being the physical manifestation of NOS is a start. Using melted down Stacker 2s as arm butter, wearing a white wife beater to your wedding and living your life a quarter mile at a time are more steps in the right direction. There’s something else though, perhaps more attainable and less questionable that may be the foundation of the bad boy persona. Something that won’t warrant an instant dismissal from your current place of employment or cause you immense sadness looking back on what was otherwise a beautiful wedding. The illusive genesis of being perceived as a threat to everyone around you is none other than…how you drink your beer. Scientists have worked painstakingly to extract this essence, and if you follow the steps below you too can drink beer like Vin Diesel.
- Drink exclusively Corona and belittle anyone drinking anything else
- Place thumb behind top of bottle with the rest of the fingers wrapped around the top of the beer, it should feel completely unnatural
- Hold bottle inches off of the table, and retreat completely inside of yourself
- Make small loose swirling motions with the bottle, moving the stale beer around in unison with the thoughts in your head
- Contemplate and cherish the concepts of family, loyalty and lifting for several seconds
- Glance up slowly from bottle with eyes fixated on nothing in particular, thousands of miles away
- Recite thoughtful but clever line leaving the person you’re currently talking with dumbfounded
- Smirk and lift the bottle to your lips, leaving your head completely stationary, your head should not move at all, the bottle can at times be tilted up to 90 degrees to deliver the last few morsels of beer
- Enjoy the incredibly mediocre beer as the person stands there, in awe of how completely badass and unstable you look
Indianapolis, IN-An Indianapolis resident is still struggling with the perceived fame that accompanies almost attending the open casting call for American Idol back in 2003. Phillip Biggins, the only one aware of this non-existent happening, now desperately attempts to stay connected with the less famous people surrounding him. Tethered loosely to reality by the indifferent applause of strangers in karaoke bars in Indianapolis.
“I’ll tell you what, I was damn close to registering for the initial round of auditions, I woulda’ made that competition spicier than the cocktail sauce at St. Elmo! Wooo!” screamed a tearful Biggins, after his fourth mediocre version of Hallelujah at Wild Beaver Saloon, Indianapolis’ best dam karaoke bar.
“Pro-tip tell the crowd your dog just died before the song and watch the applause roll in, sympathy is the key to any memorable performance” continued Biggins with the knowing grin of a crafty veteran. The audience surrounding the stage, having heard the comment, appeared completely horrified.
With a repertoire of somber songs, a persistence that affords him at least ten songs a night and a propensity for trying way to hard Biggins is the perfect celebrity hype person for any karaoke bar.
“He’s up there a lot…and he doesn’t really ever buy any drinks…Though I guess his version of On Eagles Wings is fairly tolerable,” said owner of Wild Beaver Saloon, Boyd Hopkins. Biggins maintains that he resembles a beacon of hope for the plebian customers, a karaoke mentor of sorts, a reminder that karaoke doesn’t have to be fun.
Hammond, Indiana-A hangover that seemed like a manageable affair on initial onset has, within the confines of a twenty minute Uber ride, transformed into a terrifying examination of mortality and panic. The waves of nausea were angry that day, but nothing stirs the rotting excess in the belly of the beast like a 2005 Honda Civic with the heat blasting.
That and a driver who is hard-pitching a low-risk investment in his 3D printing company, are everything needed to consider the prospect of quietly passing away in the stained cloth seats without having made the slightest impact on the world.
The hangover swells to maximum strength as the driver asks about voting preferences right before admitting that a wall between the United States and Mexico may not be the worst thing in the world. Completely oblivious to the jaundiced insect, squirming helplessly for a position that will make it all go away. Its face suggests retching its misguided hopes and dreams with bile and gin, yet it suffers through one word replies, unable to seem impolite. But this hangover is beyond a simple vomit.
Night terrors. Unnatural tingling. A distinct faintness sets in and it becomes uncertain whether or not vital organs will remain intact or disintegrate into the floor with the uncanny amount of white dog hair. The 10 IPA’s drank last night may as well have been neglected Jacuzzi water out of a used condom. A steady sweat sits in and the gum being chewed transforms into vodka soaked aluminum foil.
Only 5-minutes have passed in a 20-minute ride and there’s no certainty of another solid bowel movement for the remainder of the year.
Hobart, IN-A boomerang video of a child being born has compiled 19 views from horrified followers. In what is being called the official deathblow to the wonders of childbirth, the video loop of the child’s head rapidly popping in and out with a backdrop of Shape of You by Ed Sheeran, functioned as the official birth announcement for one social media savvy couple in Hobart Indiana.
“We’re always pushing the limits on social media, last week we did a duckface selfie from inside of the toilet of a porta-potty at a construction site! It was hilarious!” said Cameron Holloway while reviewing the additional SnapChat footage of the birth, which featured various his filtered facial reactions instead of the birth itself.
Other ingenious social media efforts by the couple include: a time lapse video of a 45 minute poop, placing the SnapChat flower crown filter on a deceased person at a funeral with the tagline TFW Skrillex drops the beat way too hard and an engagement proposal while riding the roller coaster, Top Thrill Dragster, at Cedar Point during a vacation to Sandusky Ohio.
As social media continues to evolve, the suffocating frequency and objective stupidity will drown the few simple joys left in life and leave us questioning the sanity of friends and family alike.
Hammond, Indiana-On Thursday something special happened in Hammond Indiana. A family decided to break their tradition of Applebee’s Neighborhood Bar & Grill, in favor of the newly opened and somewhat controversial Ruby Tuesday. The shift in casual dining option was initially met with the same unrelenting skepticism as anything else threatening to disrupt the minutiae of the family wading through an uneventful life.
But as the meal progressed, the cynicism eroded, the family exchanged knowing glances and grins as they each unbuttoned their jeans to allow room for the Chocolate Goblet Sunday which they sheepishly ordered from the waiter. By the time the bill came, the family was baptized in a quiet contentment only found at fast casual establishments.
“Very reasonable,” said Roy Taylor patting his belly on the way back to the car. “I’d go back, I would definitely eat there again,” he continued in an exhilarating state of relief.
“Service was great, never had curly fries like that! Can’t believe they serve Blue Moon with an orange! I’d go back!” chimed in Nancy Taylor looking back at her kids who nodded in silent agreement.