Hollywood, CA-The swimsuit portion of the Miss America competition has been euthanized, but the rest of the jaundiced, dying mess unfortunately remains on life support in a piss soaked hospital bed. It’s withered skeleton only able to haunt us with arbitrary programming and a title more meaningless than a degree from University of Phoenix. Queen of rot. Savior of disposable content. Crown of goddamn leaking Tide Pods.

The swimsuit portion of the show has been replaced by a lively debate section in which contestants exchange taking ten second pulls from a canister of keyboard duster and then debate whether or not a giant computer is screaming the words laurel or yanny. The new addition is said to be an enormous leap for humanity.

“We’re not fucking animals here, sure we’ll still be casting out rash judgements of women based on looks and a couple of idiotic questions, but at least now with the duster portion, we’ll be far more accurate and civilized,” said a waiter from Cracker Barrel who once served Randy Jackson and is now considered an infallible voice in the judgement of women.

As the event draws ever nearer, millions of Americans in soiled skid marked sweatpants will gather around their TVs to huff duster with their favorite contestants. Still objectifying people, but just in a different way.