Chicago, IL-As the annual nest of flies prepares to hatch with its larva descending on Grant Park, seeking rotten flesh, keyboard duster and mediocre EDM, Lollapalooza organizers scramble furiously to appease the hordes of retching insects. This year, the festival is offering something that will lure even the most entitled suburban millennial from their ivory palace.
“We’ve installed a series of changing stations around the park where deluxe VIPs can have the malnourished loaf in their designer diapers removed by one of the performing artists,” said Lollapalooza organizer Chet Thompson, proudly showing off a crudely fashioned cardboard box and single ply toilet paper.
Festival goers are encouraged to indulge in as much food and drugs as humanely possible with the full understanding that Sam Smith, Mumford and Sons cover band, Skrillex or one of the other reheated acts will be there promptly to clean up the mess in their pants and prepare them for another few hours of wandering aimlessly in a field.
“Their encouraged to Instagram the whole thing, so there’s def. a social media aspect which millennials love! And who doesn’t love being pampered by a complete stranger wiping their ass! Plus it brings them so much closer to the music!” continued Thompson taking down a goat shaped nitrous balloon in one foul swoop.