Hollywood, CA-Gone are the days in which humankind had a healthy fear of some vengeful omnipotent being hell bent on revenge for even the most minor infraction. Those were the glory days. An undoubted sentencing of eternal torture in the confines of Satan’s boiling hot ring piece for using a condom or missing a Sunday service.

But unfortunately, God isn’t God anymore. God is the bastard child of Big Bang Theory reruns on CBS Sundays. Divinity is John Travolta navigating his angel wings to take a malnourished dump in small town Iowa.

The Catholic Church believes that in these dire days, grave measures are necessary to lead humankind back to salvation. These measures have lead the greatest minds the Church can muster to one hallowed conclusion. The only way to make God whole again is a Minions adaptation of Mel Gibson’s movie Passion of the Christ.

The idea of watching these tiny, Disney-born creatures as they experience betrayal, nude floggings and an extremely graphic crucifixion for several hours is the best the Church can come up with to win back its lost constituency. So go and pay homage to your new born king, a spinoff character from the Despicable Me movies. Wash down that uninspired yellow pill with a glass of warm skim milk and be saved.