How to be a sensitive hardass w/ Vin Diesel

When it comes to being a brooding, wildly misunderstood “sensitive hardass,” Vin Diesel is unrivaled. There may not be another in existence actually. Sure, at times it seems like it’s a robot struggling to learn human emotion and maybe some of his lines are delivered with the vigor and pronunciation of Sylvester Stallone after a swift blow from a sock full of quarters. But it’s that type of uncompromising nonchalance has earned him the right to have a kind of gasoline as his last name. How does one become a ruthless badass while still abiding by a complex moral compass? How can you be the most extreme man on the planet while also basing every single decision on family loyalty? How can you invoke both terror and tears?

Having a shaved head and being the physical manifestation of NOS is a start. Using melted down Stacker 2s as arm butter, wearing a white wife beater to your wedding and living your life a quarter mile at a time are more steps in the right direction. There’s something else though, perhaps more attainable and less questionable that may be the foundation of the bad boy persona. Something that won’t warrant an instant dismissal from your current place of employment or cause you immense sadness looking back on what was otherwise a beautiful wedding. The illusive genesis of being perceived as a threat to everyone around you is none other than…how you drink your beer. Scientists have worked painstakingly to extract this essence, and if you follow the steps below you too can drink beer like Vin Diesel.

  • Drink exclusively Corona and belittle anyone drinking anything else
  • Place thumb behind top of bottle with the rest of the fingers wrapped around the top of the beer, it should feel completely unnatural
  • Hold bottle inches off of the table, and retreat completely inside of yourself
  • Make small loose swirling motions with the bottle, moving the stale beer around in unison with the thoughts in your head
  • Contemplate and cherish the concepts of family, loyalty and lifting for several seconds
  • Glance up slowly from bottle with eyes fixated on nothing in particular, thousands of miles away
  • Recite thoughtful but clever line leaving the person you’re currently talking with dumbfounded
  • Smirk and lift the bottle to your lips, leaving your head completely stationary, your head should not move at all, the bottle can at times be tilted up to 90 degrees to deliver the last few morsels of beer
  • Enjoy the incredibly mediocre beer as the person stands there, in awe of how completely badass and unstable you look

 

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Definitive Disney Channel Original Movie Ranking

http://youtu.be/yaaQYasOkuc 

5.) The Thirteenth Year- This movie taught everyone about mermaids and what to look for if you suspect someone in your class may be a mermaid. I know if some kid was decent at swimming at my high school, I would immediately be thinking mermaid…merman. The only thing this movie really brushes over is how heartbreaking it would be to leave all of your friends and family, how terrifying it would be to adapt as another species living exclusively underwater, and how perverse it was that Jess’s dad longed to be with that mermaid so bad. Other than that, perfectly executed film.  Tons of great 90’s hair, and a lot of great gender bending mermaid jokes and water puns. Who knew that Mermaids could conduct electricity!?

http://youtu.be/0epTFO83m1k

4.) Johnny Tsunami-It’s difficult to get better than a venerable tale of star crossed lovers torn apart by their love of different winter sports. A story, that when done correctly is one of the most thought provoking and endearing endeavors in existence. I wasn’t aware that there was that big of a class disparity between snow boarders and skiers so this movie was a real eye opener for me. Disney isn’t afraid to tackle issues that matter. Throw in a couple of pissed off family members that are strangely brought together by a couple of random kids racing and you’re looking at a true classic.  The mantra “Go big or go home,” surrounded by Hawaiian flowers isn’t tatted on my lower back, but it should be.  The only point of contention here is why Johnny’s grandpa seemed to always inexplicably call him “Porno” or something that sounded like that.

http://youtu.be/v0WyRlovCQU

3.) Luck of the Irish-Simply put, can’t go wrong with late 90’s, early 2000’s Ryan Merriman. An undisputed face on the Mount Rushmore of Disney channel original movies, and possible contender for G.O.A.T. The offensive Irish stereotypes, hilariously tiny mom, and the maudlin singing of This Land Is Your Land at the end which cleansed the city of any lingering bigotry, all contribute to the movie’s greatness. The true importance is found in learning about the trials and tribulations of being a leprechaun in junior high school. We all learned that the past should be revered but not dwelled upon, that sometimes the present is the only time that matters. Also there is no chill in challenging an evil leprechaun to “sports” for your grandpa’s soul and the coin that holds your family’s livelihood. Sometimes it takes more than luck to figure out who you are as a person, thanks for that Disney.

http://youtu.be/3F81sPk0u4o

2.) Brink!-Movies about roller blading are timeless. I’m pretty sure this movie single handedly pioneered the roller blade movement in the United States. We all wanted the X-Bladz gear with the Pup N’ Suds heart. I’m not sure who in their right mind was sponsoring high school students to roller blade but God bless them. Watching this, I realized how cut throat the roller blading underworld was, as Brink’s friends viewed him trying to earn money for his family by skating as an act of betrayal. This movie taught us the valuable lesson that you can’t get paid for doing something you love. Tons of shredding and plenty of Erik von Detten pouting.

http://youtu.be/ZktzLbnen8M

1.) Smart House-The scene above is reason enough to fall in love with this indie classic, but there’s so much more. No chance in hell Disney anticipated making the most provocative and challenging movies of the 20th century. This here is the Bible on artificial intelligence; Terminator doesn’t have shit on SmartHouse. I’m not sure enough gravity is placed on the fact that a house is impersonating an overbearing deceased family member. The thought of that disfigured, spinning Katey Sagal at the end of the movie is far more terrifying then a robot ruled dystopian future. Even though it would cause irreparable damage to your psyche, would 100% still live there for the smoothie machine, kick-butt video screens, and floor that melted stuff. You could also do a lot worse than getting raised by the voice of a borderline B-list star.

Honorable mentions: The Paper Brigade, Alleycat Strike, Zenon Girl of the 21st Century

 

Fast 8 poster leaves absolutely nothing up to mystery

Vin Diesel dropped the Fast 8 poster on his Instagram and I can only imagine the circumstance. This has Vin sitting on the can trying to shake a cement protein snake loose, likely knife hitting a line of NOXPLODE and casually tipping back a Corona written all over it. Furious 7 was by any definition a perfectly executed over the top action flick. A true ode to the absurdity we grew up on, with characters that are more cartoon than human. Needless to say the mundanity of the Fast 8 poster shook me to my core…until I looked closer. On further examination this is by far the most extreme poster to ever exist and it leaves nothing up to mystery.

Those water spots are clearly arm butter repositories where Dom and the crew can get appropriately greased up for slow motion walking scenes. The Furious series as a whole is built on proper arm butter application. You see that shading in the upper right of the poster that appears to be a cloud? If you look closer you can clearly distinguish that it’s thousands of cloned Dom Torettos (Vin Diesel), wearing jetpacks and armed with mini-guns, drag racing around the edge of the city. This shouldn’t be that surprising, as Dom was virtually indestructible last movie, being able to clone himself was a predictable character evolution.

And that glowing red tower? That’s actually the smoldering hot knife of Deckard Shaw (Jason Statham). Who during his escape from a maximum security prison crashed a souped up double decker bus into a vat of radioactive material, causing him to grow into a 100 meter tall monster. How the hell do you stop a knife wielding 100 meter tall monster with a background in special ops? Simple, first use the cloned Dom Torettos to distract it. All the while, having the original Dom convince the crew they need to come out of retirement for one…last…ride. Cue monster trucks with huge spoilers Tokyo drifting around the beast’s ankles until it falls.

Predictably badass.

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