Los Angeles, California – After detailing the plight of a fairly generic, seemingly boring white dude in their last edition, Esquire is in even more hot water after they just released a 600 page discovery piece on an alpaca that looks vaguely like supermodel Gigi Hadid. The piece is being heralded as the death of journalism and the downfall of humankind by hordes of lunatics inexplicably still subscribing to a men’s lifestyle magazine.
Sandwiched between a Johnny Depp cologne ad and a testimonial on the effectiveness of natural male enhancement energy drinks in a dying brand of media consumption, the manifesto argues the hardships of being a beautiful alpaca. Burdened with the same shit life that ultra-successful, extremely attractive models have, this alpaca bears it’s perfectly proportioned face like Jesus on the cross.
Critics of the article argue that there has been enough exposure on this particular scenario and that the hardships experienced by a relatively carefree farm animal with perfect eyebrows are few and far between. Esquire maintains that the article sheds light on an unimaginable affliction sighting jealousy from other farm animals and the risk of being decapitated and subject to taxidermy.