Rockford, IL-When the crew from America’s Got Talent came to Rockford, they expected very little from the city known best for its Tilted Kilt franchise. It’s also referred to adoringly by locals as the Gary of Illinois. But as auditions commenced, Heidi, Simon, Howie and Mel B were impressed by most of the acts that functioned as a perfect representation of Middle America: A guy attempting to and failing to wipe his ass for 45 seconds, a woman doing a whole can of duster and eating a 12 oz. Yankee Candle, a masturbating ostrich…all received standing ovations.
But one act stood out in particular…and in the end got the golden buzzer from Howie sending him directly to the live finale. The tear jerking act that united a country involved a man of undetermined age in clown makeup shuffling onto stage silently wearing a diaper made of burlap. He stood as the judges made terrible clown puns as the audience laughed hysterically.
No sooner had the laughter stopped, the clown began to sing an acapella version of Taylor Swift’s smash hit “Shake it Off.” During the song several fits of noticeable and violent diarrhea rendered the clown a crumpled mess on the stage, but he persevered. During the final note the clown stuffed a pigeon into a beer bottle and swallowed it whole before breaking into tears along with audience members.
“This is what makes this show…unlike…anything on T.V.!” proclaimed Howie aghast.
“I didn’t like it…..I LOVED it!” shouted Simon while Mel B and Heidi wept openly next to him.
Just as the clown was going to get the approval necessary for the next round, Howie stood up and to the joy of the crowd pushed the Golden Buzzer, sending the clown to the live finale and ending his life.
Cambridge, Massachusetts-Over the last few months several fantastical stories have surfaced about Ivy League schools accepting students who wrote admission essays on Papa John’s, Taco Bell and one that even came in the form of a rap song. In the latest clickbait attempt to justify how quirky millennials can be while also filling social feeds with content comparable to flavorless, reheated, 60/40 ground chuck, we examine Grayson Horton-Miller who got into Harvard with a 700,000 word ode to the popular streaming site, PornHub.
“We get thousands of essays every year, but young Grayson’s essay was something to be cherished…a true work of art! A composer in a symphony of bleached assholes!” said Dean of Admission, Phillip Biggins. “The 20,000 word section on POV was superb! Not to mention the 50,000 lines of poetry on gonzo! His theories involving the origin of human evolution being sparked by cuckholding are quite profound! A millenial visionary by every definition of the word!” continued Biggins, head spinning at the porn category algorithms Grayson could someday develop.
Though the essay contains no punctuation and though it appears Grayson has only a loose grasp on how to read and write, the sheer fervor in which the essay was written has gained him admission to Harvard with a full academic scholarship. Millenials do the darndest things!
And though Grayson appears to be struggling with a crippling pornography addiction that is consuming his every thought and rendering him incapable of experiencing actual human emotion, his parents couldn’t be any prouder of their snowflake.
Chicago, IL-On Monday, a generally incompetent coworker who had blown several deadlines prior and grossly mismanaged an entire project, smoothed things over by asking the candidate of their eventual wrath how their weekend was. Before the first sip of coffee of the morning was taken, the awkward interaction that would undoubtedly ruin the entire month was set into motion with an empty cordiality.
The sense of dread was already palpable as the contour of the coworker sidled into sight, casually adjacent to the end of the cubicle wall, its presence always suggested an unreasonable need or demand.
Neither had ever hinted at an even remote interest in the happenings of each other’s respective weekends which rendered the question even more unsettling. Like most office relationships, they tolerated each other at best and loathed each other at worst. Nonetheless the inquiry was made in a feeble attempt to camouflage incompetence with politeness and pacify the situation.
“Hiya,” said the coworker sheepishly, arms crossed over the top of the cube wall. “How was the weekend?” The shrillness of the question infuriating anyone within earshot.
Before a response could be mustered, a barrage of unclear, irresolvable and time sensitive demands rained down with reckless abandon. Like a swarm body blows in a prized fight chopping down the reigning champ and reducing him to a mound of bloody, whimpering flesh.
Fortunately because the soul crushing tasks were delivered after a vacant nicety, the coworker can retreat to her desk void of any remorse. In fact, encouraged by the start of a blossoming relationship.
Chicago, IL-In an effort to eliminate the possibility of being perceived as unfunny, one Chicago resident is resurrecting the reliable method of wearing a shirt promoting the internet equivalent of a soiled Maxim magazine: The Chive. “They took the British saying of “Keep Calm and Carry On” but replaced Calm with Chive…the name of the website,” said Phillip Biggins, cracking into Corona Light while enjoying a fresh episode of the Big Bang Theory.
The cleverness of the shirt is rivaled only by the allure of being someone that enjoys content, but not enough to actually read anything, appreciative of tired puns, and is a connoisseur of cleavage shots and thong pics.
“Anyone sees me out in this thing they know I’m all about staring at content! Hilarious! Who wants to hear some Wedding Crashers quotes? Anyone see the new GIF of that guy tranquilizing himself and cramming his junk into a microwaved watermelon full of Cabo Wabo? I’ll bring it up now!” continued Biggins whose personality consists of romantic comedy movie quotes and horrifying viral videos.
Biggins remains firmly single, romantically or otherwise, his elevated comedic sense has afforded him that much. And though he has no discernible individuality, at least the world knows he shares the same proclivities of hundreds of thousands of like-minded goons.
Brown Line to Kimball, Chicago-A Chicago man warmed hearts on Monday after offering a polite smile and nod to an elderly woman, who could barely stand, on a Kimball bound Brown Line train. The act of kindness happened during rush hour and was described by many as endearing and a much needed return to the golden days of chivalry. “You don’t see it a lot in this day and age. It was really sweet…he looked up with these big brown eyes and just smiled at her and nodded…and then promptly returned to reading Chive articles,” said one passenger. “It was insane he knew exactly what she needed, I’ve never seen anything like it!” said another fighting back tears.
The train rumbled forward in traditional erratic fashion, causing the woman to lose her footing several times, everyone looked on helplessly at the disheartening moment, some even had the courtesy to tweet about it. But no one had the courage to do what he did.
A gift to public transit or maybe humanity as a whole. A moment that no one on that train will soon forget. When asked about the occurrence, the humble hero maintained that he was just in the right place at the right time. He even alluded that if it were to happen again there’s a decent chance he’d do it all over again. Noting that the split second of looking up rendered him unable to finish the top 10 butts of the week article he was reading.
Elderly women need nothing more than a smug grin from a stranger in a fedora, on a stinking public transit car to cure what ails them.
Proving to people that you enjoy a universally adored beverage is almost impossible. A cumbersome task ripe with complexities and confusion. Telling someone that you enjoy coffee only elevates the suspicion. The consuming distrust and paranoia can be seen in the prying eyes of the skeptic. Actually drinking a cup only furthers the wariness. No…to defuse the deeply rooted belief held by the rest of humanity that you hate coffee, drastic measures must be taken.
The only way to pacify the situation and convince the world of the impossible is to post a flurry of dull Instagram pictures. With a mere weekly aerial style post you too can begin the crusade to convince the world that you love coffee. Posting a shot from above of a completely ordinary cup of coffee with the Reyes filter applied is the perfect way to courageously reinforce that you partake in a popular beverage. It also provides a unique and insightful view that is rarely experienced in our short time here on earth. A rare glimpse into the black soul of a beverage that we know very little about.
Most people never even get to experience seeing coffee from above as it is customarily syphoned from the bottom of the mug as a suppository. The valiant effort of providing inimitable photographs while simultaneously proving undying coziness and alignment with the general population should be applauded. #cozy #donttalktomebeforemycoffeelol #wineandcoffee #coffeesnuggles #lifeisgood