Basic human necessities have expanded in recent years from food, water and shelter to include things like ether soaked weighted blankets for sleeping, reusable micro-dosing CBD straws, a protein bar made of goat nipples and perhaps most importantly merino wool shoes that double as a pocket pussy.

The thrill of spotting the item, considering the purchase, making the purchase, waiting for the purchase, consuming and promptly discarding is infinitely better than anything you’ll do that day, week or year. With the understanding that with the simple addition of a pillow that constantly smells like you or a loved ones farts will be the thing that turns around the piece of shit life you have worked tirelessly constructing for yourself.

Which is why I will 100% be buying Jacob & John’s small batch toilet paper. Each roll is handcrafted and bespoke for the exact measurements of your hole. How do they know your hole you may ask? Just take a quick 200-question quiz, rich with graphic imagery from an array of holes, and you are all set for their monthly premium subscription.

The price breaks down to about $4 a square which is a steal when you know that some sniveling fuck wearing a pair of Birddogs is in his basement sewing these one-of-a-kind toilet paper rolls that are sure to make you the influencer you’ve always wanted to be!