Chicago, IL-In an effort to appease the perpetually deprived ego of men whose personalities can be distilled into the revving of a motorcycle engine, Harley Davidson has finally created a motorcycle those same men can have sex with.
“We realized that merely revving the motorcycle was no longer enough, sure it sounds really fucking cool and in theory it should get you laid a shit ton, but in reality most of these men were getting absolutely no pussy whatsoever,” said Frank Horvath, the designer of Harley’s new motorcycle, the Ham Beater V5000.
The name suggesting, inexplicably, that there were roughly 4,000 iterations of the bike before what is being called the Rolls Royce of masturbation forward motorcycles.
“The rider lays fully nude and flat on the cycle with toes pointed backwards, their assumed micro-penis can be inserted into a ribbed crevice roughly 2 inch deep. After a few pumps and a predictably quick finish the fluid is blown back into the face of the rider in an ultimate act of self-congratulations.” Continued Horvath adjusting his athletic shades and Affliction t-shirt.
The rest of us will continue to look on, unsurprised, with vague annoyance and confusion.
Chicago, IL-On Saturday, a girl was seen attempting to infiltrate various lively conversations at a local house party by waiting for a momentary pause in banter and asking “So…what does everyone do!?” The question was accompanied by an aggressive pointing motion toward one unfortunate soul in the circle, signifying that it was their respective turn to stammer through an explanation of a job they hate, to a group of indifferent onlookers.
The process unfolded in a predictably excruciating way, as each job description grew more ordinary than the next. A culmination of individuals wholly uninspired for at least forty hours a week. A complex web of personality and emotion distilled into a characterless corporate identity.
Several people suffered through their freshly poured drink as quickly as possible, desperate for a retreat to the kitchen where they could pound shots of vodka in solitude, others took this as the perfect opportunity to dust off their long forgotten smoking habit. Anything to escape the wrath at hand.
“I just try to engage everyone, I’m just a really engaging person…like when I’m at a party I can literally talk to anyone! I’m legit friends with like everyone that went to that party now…” said Sarah Kibby, meticulously adding party goers to her LinkedIn professional network, the only true testament of a real friendship.
The party ended uncannily early.
Chicago, IL-On Tuesday, an area man eased his way onto a crowded escalator like a dying old man into the last bath he’d ever take, though unlike lying motionless and in solitude in a pool of your own filth, the escalator during rush hour can sometimes beckon mild physical activity and vague awareness of surroundings.
“When I get on that escalator, it’s ME time. I require total stillness for personal reflection in the form of listening to the Chainsmokers and consuming fucking content. If you’ve got a problem with that you can take it up with my oversized JanSport,” said Terry McDonough, inching his way down the escalator as hordes of angry commuters miss yet another departing train.
The spiritual war McDonough wages transcends merely him, an escalator, and the furious mob behind him. By not allowing people to pass by McDonough serves as a beacon of indifference and a prophet of immobility. A revolutionary that is brave enough to admit that being stationary and refreshing uninteresting social media feeds is more important than being courteous.
Indianapolis, IN-An Indianapolis resident is still struggling with the perceived fame that accompanies almost attending the open casting call for American Idol back in 2003. Phillip Biggins, the only one aware of this non-existent happening, now desperately attempts to stay connected with the less famous people surrounding him. Tethered loosely to reality by the indifferent applause of strangers in karaoke bars in Indianapolis.
“I’ll tell you what, I was damn close to registering for the initial round of auditions, I woulda’ made that competition spicier than the cocktail sauce at St. Elmo! Wooo!” screamed a tearful Biggins, after his fourth mediocre version of Hallelujah at Wild Beaver Saloon, Indianapolis’ best dam karaoke bar.
“Pro-tip tell the crowd your dog just died before the song and watch the applause roll in, sympathy is the key to any memorable performance” continued Biggins with the knowing grin of a crafty veteran. The audience surrounding the stage, having heard the comment, appeared completely horrified.
With a repertoire of somber songs, a persistence that affords him at least ten songs a night and a propensity for trying way to hard Biggins is the perfect celebrity hype person for any karaoke bar.
“He’s up there a lot…and he doesn’t really ever buy any drinks…Though I guess his version of On Eagles Wings is fairly tolerable,” said owner of Wild Beaver Saloon, Boyd Hopkins. Biggins maintains that he resembles a beacon of hope for the plebian customers, a karaoke mentor of sorts, a reminder that karaoke doesn’t have to be fun.
Hobart, IN-A boomerang video of a child being born has compiled 19 views from horrified followers. In what is being called the official deathblow to the wonders of childbirth, the video loop of the child’s head rapidly popping in and out with a backdrop of Shape of You by Ed Sheeran, functioned as the official birth announcement for one social media savvy couple in Hobart Indiana.
“We’re always pushing the limits on social media, last week we did a duckface selfie from inside of the toilet of a porta-potty at a construction site! It was hilarious!” said Cameron Holloway while reviewing the additional SnapChat footage of the birth, which featured various his filtered facial reactions instead of the birth itself.
Other ingenious social media efforts by the couple include: a time lapse video of a 45 minute poop, placing the SnapChat flower crown filter on a deceased person at a funeral with the tagline TFW Skrillex drops the beat way too hard and an engagement proposal while riding the roller coaster, Top Thrill Dragster, at Cedar Point during a vacation to Sandusky Ohio.
As social media continues to evolve, the suffocating frequency and objective stupidity will drown the few simple joys left in life and leave us questioning the sanity of friends and family alike.
Las Angeles, CA-A steaming hot new DJ known only as “FidgetSpivva” has erupted all over the festival circuit after being recognized as a completely passable Skrillex cover band. Unlike other DJs FidgetSpivva’s relevancy is as timeless as the children’s toy he named himself after.
“I had my team rig up a big ass fidget spinner covered in strobe lights and blow torches that is mounted on my face, when I’m about to hit one of my signature covers on a Skrillex drop, I spin the SHIT out that thing,” said a muffled FidgetSpivva through the enormous prop, which due to a horrific blow torch accident at last year’s Lollapalooza has permanently fused to his otherwise maimed face. The accident rendered him blind and deaf, while also leaving only a penny sized hole from which he both consumes food from and vapes from.
The spelling of the name has been a point of contention amongst some fans, who although confused by the presence of v’s instead of n’s, admit that, like everything else in life, the product is better because of it.
“I’m not like other DJs. I’m not some pussy who takes his helmet off, it’s about taking helmet based EDM to the next level. I’m talking to a shaman about getting my hands replaced too. Fidget spinners are forever,” continued FidgetSpivva who looks at the surgery as a calculated risk given his inability to play any instruments or even DJ on a very rudimentary level.
FidgetSpivva can be seen next, this month, at the bi-yearly Furry convention held at Wiseacre’s Wizarding Equipment at the Wizarding World of Harry Potter in Universal Studios Orlando.
Chicago, IL-A relaxing barbeque amongst friends transformed into a knock-down-drag-out drinking extravaganza in record time over the weekend. Like all Chicago barbeques, food was meticulously curated and friends and spouses alike agreed it would be the perfect opportunity to enjoy some good food, good company and perhaps even a beer or glass of wine before retreating home to watch a movie and get an adequate amount of rest before the impending work week.
As the day progressed, and one beer turned into a handle of Rumplemintz with a carton of American Spirits to boot, it became apparent that food had lost relevancy. The early start of the BBQ, originally functioning as an early curfew safeguard, ended up merely piling on additional hours of frenzied drinking.
Prospective burdens of the week melted with the ice in the cooler, and a feeling of regal invincibility settled in as wine glasses swelled like the livers they poured on. Monday would never come, or if it did it would surely be someone else’s problem. The impending hangover would serve as a lesson to employers, a reminder that wrestling with Monday hangovers are as much a part of the weekend as Sunday drinking.
As the barbeque concluded, the guest’s divinity receded with each glass of water, each minute of restless sleep, and they became fully aware that Wednesday would be the next time they felt human.
Hammond, Indiana-On Thursday something special happened in Hammond Indiana. A family decided to break their tradition of Applebee’s Neighborhood Bar & Grill, in favor of the newly opened and somewhat controversial Ruby Tuesday. The shift in casual dining option was initially met with the same unrelenting skepticism as anything else threatening to disrupt the minutiae of the family wading through an uneventful life.
But as the meal progressed, the cynicism eroded, the family exchanged knowing glances and grins as they each unbuttoned their jeans to allow room for the Chocolate Goblet Sunday which they sheepishly ordered from the waiter. By the time the bill came, the family was baptized in a quiet contentment only found at fast casual establishments.
“Very reasonable,” said Roy Taylor patting his belly on the way back to the car. “I’d go back, I would definitely eat there again,” he continued in an exhilarating state of relief.
“Service was great, never had curly fries like that! Can’t believe they serve Blue Moon with an orange! I’d go back!” chimed in Nancy Taylor looking back at her kids who nodded in silent agreement.
Chicago, IL-A new fitness center located in River North of Chicago is causing quite the stir amongst the several wealthy people that can afford classes there. “It’s a community and a family, with absolutely no judgement, no pretense and a love for all walks of life,” said one member dabbing his forehead with a freshly caught lobster.
The boutique studio is known only as Theory X and is described as a tibata and barre hybrid with a splash of hot yoga and a garnish of spin with a colonic finish.
Each class is a wholesome, one of a kind experience, which occurs four times a day at hundreds of identical locations across the country. Tailored specifically to instill a sense of purpose, community and undying hubris that absolutely anyone able to pay $300 a class is more than welcome to enjoy.
“All members are required to wear brand new Lululemon to every class, with tags being heavily scrutinized, so the workout ends up being about $450 per,” said another member daintily sipping a slightly chilled acai infused Figi water, positioning herself for yet another post-workout selfie, the slight glisten on her forehead serving as a beacon of hope for anyone stupid enough to simply run outside.
“You can’t put a price on fitness though! Or instagram content for that matter!” Continued the member forgetting that fitness is objectively free. The promotion to buy 10 classes then also pay for the 11th, and then be locked into a 5-year-long blood contract has almost expired, so ask yourself…are you ready to #Theory?
Deer Creek, IN-Concert footage taken from an Eddie Money cover band at a matinee show at Deer Creek has been deemed sadder than Manchester by the Sea. The footage was taken, and posted gleefully on social media, by someone you went to high school with that remains firmly planted in your home town like an old oak tree draped in Pacific Sun and slathered in Hooters buffalo sauce.
The grainy video, taken from a Samsung Galaxy S3, surfaced on Instagram and functioned as a beacon of contempt to anyone who questioned the state of that person’s life. Taken from 600 level seating, zoomed in enough to see hints of the Eddie Money cover band on one of the video screens, and ripe with boastful hashtags (#bestlife #blessed #somuchfun #livinthedream), the video purposed for envy, instead instilled sadness.
The pinnacle of the last decade for this person, distilled into a 12 second Instagram clip, was arguably more depressing than a back to back feature of Faces of Death and Manchester by the Sea.