This person just hired David Baldacci to write the 500 word Instagram caption for their friend’s birthday

Chicago, IL-A person with absolutely no more platitudes to offer about varying friend’s birthdays has hired New York Times best-selling author David Baldacci to pen a vaguely sentimental and undoubtedly lengthy caption to accompany a lifeless picture of a, now distant, acquaintance.

After several years of posts celebrating every national puppy day, national cry yourself to sleep day, national sibling day, national butthole day, take your goat to work day and every single birthday from a lifetime of formative friendships, Kristina Hodges finally had nothing left to say.

An entire deflating Instagram feed oozing oblivion like old Kikkoman bleeding from a rice heart at a Hibachi Grill in middle Indiana.

“Much like my novels, by rearranging a few words, you can make a one-of-a-kind birthday dedication for any friend. Forever my inspiration can be changed to My forever inspiration or Inspiration my forever, because ultimately no one cares, I employed a similar method to my novels Man Down Below and Below, Man Down!” said Baldacci taking a long pull from a Virginia Slim cigarette.

Employee makes deal with God in company bathroom

Chicago, IL-On Tuesday, an employee turned to the divine in an effort to sustain solitude whilst in the throes of a midafternoon ring piece onslaught after dabbling in a tray of Potbelly sandwiches, which were left out for an indeterminable amount of time.

“Once the door opens and the eager footsteps of a sniveling coworker become audible, there are certain desperate promises made to the Lord Almighty. Those promises are obviously exchanged for a moment of divine influence in which that coworker occupies anywhere in the bathroom except the stall adjacent to you,” said Bill Biscane, carefully turning his name badge over to maintain some level of perceived anonymity.

“My first born is not out of the question,” continued Biscane bracing himself for more carnage.

Like most people, Biscane is under the impression that, if there is a god, he/she/it would surely prove their existence by intervening in lifeless corporate bathroom scenarios. The perfect setting to prove their divine power and convert skeptics.

Unfortunately, the footsteps slowed and settled in the stall adjacent. Leaving Biscane sitting on the can pondering that he is in fact completely alone.

Declining toy industry causes Hasbro to launch Minions Fleshlight

New Carlisle, Indiana-The dying toy industry isn’t done fighting yet. It won’t be mercifully put down like a Paddington Bear overrun with rabies behind the woodshed after a couple of 40’s of King Cobra. Its brain matter won’t be found on the sidewalk like a Furby after being bludgeoned with a sock full of quarters due to paranoia after smoking a cigarette dipped in formaldehyde.

No. It will continue to evolve and cater to the depravity of humankind, as evident in the newly minted Minions Fleshlight launched by Hasbro.

Licensed Fleshlights are generally reserved for porn stars, and or beloved glory holes, but because virtually everything in existence is branded or licensed, and because our species has devolved to a point in which this particular licensing seems like a good idea, die hard Minions fans will be able to finally prove just how dedicated they actually are. A gruesome game of a chicken to see who blinks first, the customer or the crudely fashioned Minions fleshlight.

“We saw a lot of adults oddly wearing around those idiotic looking Minions beanie hats, and figured why not stick with the times and absolutely fucking ruin something,” said Hasbro CEO Grayson Horvath stubbing out a cigarette into a an Angry Birds shrimp deveiner.

Cincinnati zoo slaughters two giant pandas to make room for Walmart Yodel Kid exhibit

Cincinnati, Ohio-In an effort to preserve one of humanity’s most delicate and rare assets, the Cincinnati zoo has agreed to slaughter two giant pandas and replace them with the Walmart Yodel Kid, who will perform for zoo attendees if thrown the correct amount of petting zoo food.

“At a certain point we as humans have to shift to preserving what’s truly important, this was one of the easier decisions we’ve ever made” said head zookeeper Alphonso Knudson, blindfolding the pandas and preparing them for death by firing squad comprised of the zoo’s top donors.

An entire species can be forgotten if they can’t yodel in front of a bunch of drooling, phone wielding assholes at a goddamn rats nest in northern Indiana. The bastard child of Simon Cowell’s deadbeat second cousin. Someone born for a CBS reality show destined to fail.

“Prepare yourself you bastards!” yelled Knudson as the bullets rained down on the pandas and they fell to their anticlimactic death to the cheers of blood thirsty onlookers.

Heartbreaking: High importance email promptly ignored

Chicago, IL-A high importance email sent Monday at 4:45 p.m. was promptly ignored by everyone sent, cc’d and bcc’d on the communication. Like most high importance emails, which generally emphasize someone’s incompetence, lack of preparedness and inability to wipe their own ass, this one contained an extensive who’s who of indistinguishable business jargon and impossible deadlines.

The sender of the email beamed with the overwhelming pride of someone who has spent an eternity meddling in lower-middle management as they baptized the email with a high importance designation before casting the divine order it into oblivion.

The the red exclamation point accompanying the email would surely instill a sense of hope and ownership in the recipients who would soon be burdened with salvaging the rotting flesh dripping from the Times New Roman serif. Wouldn’t it? No.

In a cruel albeit oddly predictable twist of fate, the email was promptly disregarded. The exclamation point functioned like a rusted anchor, dragging it to the bottom of the bloated inbox, submerging it in the depths of purposeful neglect.

Never send a high importance email.

Man nonchalantly drops drone piloting license on first date

Glencoe, IL-In a desperate attempt to salvage another floundering Tinder date, one man tempted fate with a gutsy albeit savvy move. Something that according to Drone Enthusiast Quarterly, everyone woman craves. In some obscure circles it has even been considered the greatest peacock to ever exist…slyly dropping a certified drone piloting license while picking up half of the bill.

“The date wasn’t going great, I had to find an in, something universally relatable to any woman, then it hit me…recreational and semi-professional drone usage,” said Terry Adkins, scrolling through some unremarkable aerial footage from a singular vantage point in Rockford Illinois. The city appearing as all cities do when filmed directly overhead.

“It was really tasteful, very classy, I suggested splitting the bill like I always do, but as I was pulling out my cash, my drone piloting license accidentally fell on the table…looked totally natural,” continued Adkins, recounting the incident fondly.

Though the incident could have sympathetically ended there, as most dates do. Adkins insisted on a choreographed drone demonstration right outside the bar, something that would capture her heart and an aerial view of the top of her head. But before the majestic mating ritual could commence, the drone flew directly into Adkins genitals.

As he lay screaming in agony his drone ascended into the clouds above and his date stared up with a sense of longing.

Rick Bayless hatches Mexican fusion restaurant based off of ancient culture observed at Senor Frogs Myrtle Beach

Myrtle Beach, South Carolina-After decades of painstakingly seeking the cradle of Mexican inspired American-tourist forward cuisine, Celebrity Chef Rick Bayless has finally unearthed the mossy keystone from which everything was born. Following several days of grueling travel to reach a remote fishing village known as “Myrtle Beach,” Bayless set forth to uncover the mysteries that had lay dormant in the city’s underbelly since the beginning of time.

In particular, a quaint beachside bungalow known by locals as Señor Frog’s became an object of fascination for Bayless. Señor Frog was originally a name given to a beloved goat who regularly graced the bar that kind of looked like a frog if you were drunk enough, he was immortalized in the bar name after being decapitated in a gruesome Jet Ski accident.

Bayless spent countless nights there, submerging himself to the point of madness, as wet t-shirt contests were held, lava lamps were butt chugged and free beer koozies were given to people who agreed to be kicked in the nuts by Dog the Bounty Hunter impersonator. This was culture. This was heaven.

“Farm to table nitrous balloons, hand crafted Red Bull Vodkas rimmed with organic Stacker 2 energy pills, 60/40 ground chuck blend shaped into a fist, and a VR gravity bong experience, will all be available at my new restaurant Donkey Dick’s Bar & Grill,” said Bayless furiously scribing pre-emptive Trip Advisor reviews.

The bar will cater to people who want to appear interesting and adventurous but are actually quite dull. Wading through a cultureless abyss of Michelob Ultra buckets and acid fueled three legged races.

Sick bastard at office only taking elevator down one floor

Chicago, IL-On Tuesday, a faceless and wholly beige employee with a productive cough was scene proudly riding the elevator down a single floor. The prospect of ten or so stairs proved too daunting for the person who spends the entirety of their day resting like cloth goiter from an outdated desk chair.

The rest of the elevator suffered in silence, a quiet rage settled in as the additional several seconds spent dropping the insect on his floor becomes an excruciating undertaking. Audible sighs were exchanged coupled with a ceremonial passive aggressive jamming of the close button in a futile attempt to humiliate the person enough into reconsidering their decision next time.

The employee remained predictably unaware, apparently having a me week, a me month, a me year. Gazing purposefully into a rousing game of bubble shooter. After the doors opened on their floor, the sick fuck looked almost surprised, as though they expected the elevator to somehow take longer, or drop him off in an unknown land. Uncertainty takes hold and more precious seconds dissolve as they grow inexplicably more confused.

Finally satisfied with the floor choice, the employee exited the elevator, to promptly become someone else’s burden.

Inspiring triumphs like slowly gating down a dozen concrete stairs certainly lie ahead for this person, just not today.

Amazon launches Alex to appease alt-right customers untrusting of female AI

Seattle, WA-Amazon is at it again. After realizing that nobody else in the voice-computing home assistant industry was creating a product voiced by an alt right skewing male, they jumped on the opportunity. Alex is Amazon’s bastard stepchild to the product Alexa, and is made specifically for the American public that has grown weary of completely impartial, female voiced artificial intelligence.

“Alex is a huge proponent of the All Lives Matter movement, he believes that the shape shifting reptilian elite have found the Arc of the Covenant and have begun merging with the machines, and he makes snide remarks about the global warming myth when it’s snowing outside, but he can also order a case of pamplemousse LaCroix!” said head of product development Alfonso Knutson.

Alex is voiced by Rick from the show Pawn Stars, who may or may not be alt-right, but is certainly on board with diversifying the voices contained in computer assistants and promoting his new show Pawn Stars XL, “The bigger they pawn, the harder they fall.” He’ll also be awarded $20 from Chumlee, who bet him he would never be immortalized in an Amazon product.

This product represents the current state of our country, paranoid, depraved, fucked up and still very much so into reality television shows about pawning.

The Rock’s new movie is called Diesel Fist

Hollywood, CA-Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson has one of the most diverse film portfolios of any actor in history. From being fully oiled up and trying to murder a giant ape in the upcoming film Rampage to having his heaving muscles lubed up and playing a half scorpion demigod in the movie The Scorpion King, The Rock has truly delved into the most twisted depths of method acting.

It’s actually been rumored that he turned down the lead in There Will Be Blood, claiming the role lacked depth, complexity and shirtless scenes, noting that being shirtless, wielding a mini-gun and being covered in oil would have looked objectively badass. And as all greats do, The Rock is pivoting yet again, his new endeavor is called Diesel Fist and is set to launch the day after Rampage and Skyscraper.

The plot to Diesel Fist is simple, a massive, prehistoric flaming asteroid is careening towards earth, spelling an almost certain demise for humankind. But as global leaders meet, they realize something else is taking place on the asteroid, two fully nude men, smothered in arm butter, wage a battle of life or death of their own.

The Rock starring as, retired NYC police officer, Snake Dasher and Vin Diesel starring as, Columbian drug lord, Titus Rains are settling an age old vendetta that is never quite accurately explained throughout the silent film’s duration. But what the fuck does that matter? DIESEL FIST.

The entire world watches as the two nude men wage war with a variety of weapons that are inexplicably and conveniently located on the asteroid. As blood spills and uncomfortable grunting reaches a frenzy, the world realizes that the outcome of the battle has no bearing on the fact that they are all going to die. But as they say, die doing what you love, which for humanity is watching two oiled up dudes exchanging haymakers on a flaming asteroid.

The movie’s tagline is predictably “Get Diesel Fisted,” so buy a ticket today.