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Cracker Barrel: Masks required, food must be consumed via suppository

Hammond, IN – The restaurant chain that ultimately dictates how the American public behaves and what ideals they adhere to has finally joined the science community in an effort to prevent the spread of COVID-19.

A statement released by the restaurant chain that serves gravy out of a garden hose, outlined new measures that they are taking to prolong the lives of their customers until they can succumb to other poor lifestyle choices years later instead of COVID-19. There’s still plenty more cinnamon buns to eat before that sparsely attended funeral!

“Masks will be required at all times and food must be consumed via suppository,” said Cracker Barrel marketing director Alphonso Knudson, filling a condom full of eggs benedict.

Employees will take orders, blend the orders in an immersion blender, fill a lambskin condom with the contents, and serve it back to the customer for their own preferred suppository insertion method.

“Some like it slow, some like it fast, we leave that up to the customer! But you bet your ass that parfait is getting in there one way or another! Our customers told us that they couldn’t believe it took COVID-19 for us to roll out this new revolutionary method for consuming breakfast!” continued Knudson.

So stop by Cracker Barrel today and experience the new normal!